An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Yesterday’s blog about emotional sobriety was timely.  Immediately after the posting, the Boy Scout texts me, telling me his car has been stolen. I call him and he assures me he is not joking, the car is gone. My mind starts racing with the “what if’s and now whats.” I remember to breathe and calm myself down and stay present.  I head home to a understandably sober Boy Scout. He gets on the phone with the police using his in charge business tone, he calls the insurance company and is cranky and big in personality. He calls the claims hotline and is down right rude to the interactive voice response and then, finally, makes his claim. Then another call and I hear him laughing uproariously, doing that smokers hack that begs for oxygen. It goes on for quite awhile, laughing, joking, completely light hearted. Surprised, I go out to realize he is talking to who else, but his ex. They are having a good ole time. Fabulous! He barely spoke to me. Why is she getting his best?  Then...

You may have heard that 12 Step programs are based on attraction rather than promotion. I take that as meaning when you need them you will find them. They are not for everyone but, for some, it is a lifeline to a better life. In ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics (or Dysfunction), there is a "Laundry List" of ACA traits that often apply to the adult child. One of them is  #8. We became addicted to excitement . I personally don't think that is an apt description but OK, I'll go with it. For me, it meant that I would choose to get involved, butthurt when something is said, angry at a look that was given or crushed when something was forgotten and I held on to past hurts. I did those things and more. To counter the Laundry List, we have The ACA Promises. 1 . We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves.      2 . Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis.      3 . Fear of authority figures and the...

This was my very first blog post 6 years ago today. I started it because I couldn't figure out how to move forward. I hadn't learned to breathe. *********    To Start I've decided that weekends are too long. How does one adjust from being a wife of 29 years to being alone? Slowly and compassionately I guess. Slowly, because it is hard to fill so many hours that once belonged to a married couple. Waking, planning and falling asleep alone. Movies, shopping, travel and beach clean-ups were once done with my partner.....now I'm looking for others to fill that spot or go alone or maybe try to go but then just sit in my car feeling anxious, eating a meal alone and then returning home.  Work is a balm....time spent not thinking, just doing. Compassionately, because these feelings are okay, right?  I'm allowed to take this time to mourn what I have lost, grieve the hole my heart, adjust my dreams and try to move forward. Having a good cry when Carly Simon sings Coming Aroun...

Today is my birthday and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. It's not because things are perfect, they are not. If I had control, I would change a few things to better suit me. I would certainly interfere in my kids lifes and make some changes, "fix" their problems. I've all but given that up, except when I slip. I don't have any control, magic power or godlike vision, so I have stopped trying. Increasing happiness is the result. Another reason? I stopped listening to my own damn thoughts as if they were truths. My thoughts....they didn't like me much. In fact, at times, they were down right abusive. They are still there, whispering my lack of worthiness, reminding me where I've failed, but I just don't listen to them much anymore. It's great! If you aren't doing it, give it a try. Finally....the big one....gratitude. I can look at all the bad or I can look at all the good. It's a choice. While not perfectly, I generally choose g...

Gossip is a bad habit, yet many do it on a daily basis. I've been know to seek out the false intimacy of a juicy bit to share. I never like myself afterwards but would keep it going with the best of them. Learning to build real intimacy with people I trust has helped quell that need. I feel proud when it's going on and don't take part. Lunch with a dear friend the other day reminded me how much I have changed. A mutual friend came up in discussion, then a suggestive comment was thrown out, then an outright worm loaded hook waiting for me to take the bait. I smiled, redirected, then had to redirect two more times. I'm getting pretty competent at zigging and zagging through the landmines. Team Linda 10 points. I may eventually prove to be a boring lunchmate for some. That's ok, I can handle that. It is never too late to teach an old dog new tricks!

This is Ross Sr. (my father-in-law) better known by Boogie, the nickname his mama gave him as an infant. In going through my storage unit the other day, I found the piece of shrapnel that wounded him while serving as a gunner in Okinawa, the folded flag that we received at his funeral a few years back and the 4D belt buckle he wore for the last 30 years of his life. He was neither a loser nor a sucker, just in case you were wondering.  A big ole Fuck You, you Tangerine Tyrant. You are the biggest loser of all. PS....inspired or challenged by Colette at  The Aging Female Baby Boomer  to share loved ones who served.

Did you ever read The Education of Little Tree?  Originally written by Asa Earl Carter in 1976, it’s been around for a long time. I’ve talked about the book before so I won’t go into it much but to say that I loved it and was, sadly, disappointed to find it was written by a man who had some Cherokee background but was also a KKK member and leader   All that being said, it was a lovely little book. The reason I am writing about it again is a simple little sentence keeps calling me.  Little Tree recalled that when, late at night, he heard his grandpa tell his grandma, “I kin ye, Bonnie Bee,” he knew that he was saying, “I love ye” – because of the feeling in the words. “And when they would be talking,” Little Tree recollected, “and Grandma would say ‘Do ye kin me, Wales?’ and he would answer, ‘I kin ye,’ it meant, ‘I understand ye.’ To them, love and understanding was the same thing. Granma said you couldn’t love something you didn’t understand….Granpa and Granma had an und...

I’ve been doing some cleaning up and out, coming across things I haven’t looked at in years. Emotions seesawed as I finally got rid of all the wedding cards (yep, I’ve schlepped those around for 35 years), the magazines I used to plan our wedding and toys I cherished as a girl.  It came from the Emerald City, a place I’ve never visited. I quiet reminder of my childhood. Simple and shiny, with 6 charms, 4 of them original and two that I added when I was going through my cowgirl phase.  I was a little too old to get a charm bracelet as they were no longer fashionable. I have no real memory of wearing it but I’ve kept it. In treasure boxes here and there, it has followed me from home to home. This Bracelet is the only gift that my father ever gave me (if you don’t count a gorgeous head of hair, which I alone received). I remember having mixed emotions when I opened the bracelet box. He had abandoned us and his support was sketchy at best. We were hurt, angry and resentful, yet we...

I have tried to live life safely. Stemming from a childhood where I felt very unsafe, it has been near the top of my list in most situations. I remember making a decision, at 12 or 13, to not allow others to put me in unsafe situations. A childish fantasy of self determination.  Living life safely easily eliminates the use of alcohol and drugs. Never even thought to give them a try. Truthfully, I got tipsy and stoned for the first time somewhere around my 52nd year....not at the same time. While it may have been fun, it's not a fit for me.  There really is no such thing as safety, but it took me a long time to learn that. I still feel ill at ease in many situations where most people are quite comfortable. I would much rather drive the car than put my trust in someone else. That safe-keeping was blanketed over the kids too. More than likely they were a bit smothered by their scared mother, but it was all I knew. The other day on family Zoom my youngest, who has admitted to taki...