The Power to Influence or Direct People's Behavior or the Course of Events

I have tried to live life safely. Stemming from a childhood where I felt very unsafe, it has been near the top of my list in most situations. I remember making a decision, at 12 or 13, to not allow others to put me in unsafe situations. A childish fantasy of self determination. 

Living life safely easily eliminates the use of alcohol and drugs. Never even thought to give them a try. Truthfully, I got tipsy and stoned for the first time somewhere around my 52nd year....not at the same time. While it may have been fun, it's not a fit for me. 

There really is no such thing as safety, but it took me a long time to learn that. I still feel ill at ease in many situations where most people are quite comfortable. I would much rather drive the car than put my trust in someone else. That safe-keeping was blanketed over the kids too. More than likely they were a bit smothered by their scared mother, but it was all I knew.

The other day on family Zoom my youngest, who has admitted to taking liberal advantage of my hearing loss, recounted a party where one of the revelers pulled out a gun and was angrily swinging it about. There was lots of screaming and diving for cover. One of her buddies, who fancies himself a hero, "covered" her and her girlfriend as they followed his instructions to army crawl themselves out of the house. 

As I sat there listening, the rest of the kids are laughing uproariously. I laughed too but I felt that familiar knot in my stomach. OUT OF CONTROL! All my efforts to keep her safe and she repeatedly liquidated my efforts by.....by......well, being a normal teenager.

I am learning there is a better way to live, understanding there was never any real safety or control in the first place. Just a scared little girl trying to make herself feel secure.