An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Do you ever feel like the world just beat the shit out of ya? Took it pound of flesh, stomped it to the ground, did a jig and then peed on you to boot? I think a change is called for. I'm feeling battered and bruised but I've had worse and I survived to tell the tale.  We women of a certain age, we may look frail but don't let our looks deceive you. And if you are smart, don't turn your back on us. All is fair in love and war and in this game, I plan to end up the winner...one way or another.

WORD FOR THE DAY Darkness deserves gratitude. It is the alleluia point at which we learn to understand that all growth does not take place in the sunlight. JOAN CHITTISTER Trying hard to hold on to this today.   The Secret Keeper is in the hospital. You may think that now that we are divorced that it’s not a big deal…not my problem. In a way, perhaps…  But my girls are left dealing with an extremely ill father. All the years we try to protect our kids from the reality of a very harsh world. All the time spent building a life that is moving towards goals of college educations, decent jobs and lives of their own. Somehow, you don’t think that will include you daughter sending you a picture of a little plastic packet that looks like it contains grains of sugar. If only it was sugar. If only it was salt meant for the hardboiled egg that was packed for a mid-morning snack at a stable job that is, if not enjoyable, at least supplying a livable wage....

This is to hard divulge. I wish I could forget about it...I wish I could be normal...I wish.......     The Boy Scout and I went golfing with a good friend on Saturday. Had a great day; beautiful out, chilly but bearable. On nine, it seems that a lot of golf courses meet back up with the club house and it is there that people often quench their thirst. The Boy Scout got me a cider, our friend a beer and himself a big beer (bigger than normal). I suppose only an Al-Anon would even notice this. When the game was over I was really hungry as it was a couple of hours past lunch time. We went to a place called Harry's Plaza Cafe. I've been there before and was aware that he has a history with the place. When I say history, it often means that both the food and the drinks are good (something that he would emphasize).  When we arrived at the restaurant, I was disappointed because it looked really full and I was not too interested in waiting. Surprised, the waiter grabbed...

I follow way too many blogs to actually keep up with them all. I decided to do a purge and came across Deaf, Gray and Italian . How could I have missed this one for so long? Mary Grace's latest post,  Reflections On Being Deaf, Gray and Italian on the “eve” of my 70th birthday,   is amazing and lovely. As my world grows more and more quiet, and as I struggle more to seem "normal" in any given social situation, there is much to hold on to....much to be grateful for. My diagnosis of Meniere's Disease back when I was 32 took my breath away, but life moved forward and the demands of 4 kids, a full time job and everything else life requires of us were always met in one way or another. In my 40's, I got by with a little help from my friends (well, mostly my kids). Rarely alone, they, without direction from me, slowly stepped forward...listening for me. Little by little, they became my ears in noisy stores, restaurants or soccer fields. Now-a-days, my ever present si...

When I started this blog, I half believed I was a crazy person and just needed to put things on paper (or computer) to sort them all out. Now I do it so I can keep track of this incredible walk I am on called life. I popped into my office this morning before my run and the blog called out to me, begging to be addressed, impressed, acknowledged and inscribed. I've got no big thoughts on my mind. Just a heart that still searches for peace and a desire to connect with others on the same walk. On dictionary.com the 6th definition of PEACE is ~ freedom   of   the   mind   from   annoyance,   distraction,   anxiety,   obsession,   etc.;   tranquility;   serenity.  I'll take a number 6 please, heavy on the freedom.  Slowly, and I will repeat...SLOWLY, I have seen changes in me. Others may not notice, but the inner storm is quieter, the self-talk is not so nasty and negative, the anxiety not so persistent. I am doing better ...

The pastor at our church is just plain brilliant. This Sunday in church he talked about having  "expansive" faith. To him, expansive faith means that we: We see science as a tool helping us discover more about God's creation. We need not be afraid of what science has to tell us. We approach our skeptical friends as conversation partners and not as targets or people holding "dangerous" beliefs. We hold our convictions firmly but stay willing to reexamine them as we continue on our path of discovery. We Transform. Our spiritual formation as we live in faith keeps moving. We respond. Be a peacemaker in this world. Then he talked about the "peacemaker" and the values that a peacemaker would hold.  Peacemakers: Do not objectify others. Seek to reconcile Take the kingdom where it is not. The idea of objectifying hit me hard. Being a feminist, I loathe what our society does to women by turning them in to objects of gratification whether just...

I was talking with the Boy Scout about an incident that happened before he came along. I'm not proud of it but it felt good to admit it to someone even if he didn't understand the weight of it. After the Secret Keeper finished with rehab in Vegas, he flew home to Burbank airport.  I drove the hour long drive to pick him up in anxiety and anger. Was I mad...what an understatement. My entire world had been turned upside down and it was all I could do to remember to eat on occasion. The craziness I had lived in before his rehab was a practice run to my life for the 8 weeks while he was gone. The phone calls, the constant feeling of disorientation, the shock at each new revelation and the bewilderment of the actions of an addict.    How could I have not seen the world from his point of view too? Why was I unable to realize that everything he knew had been smashed? How could I have been so selfish? The idea makes me feel slightly ill now. And without my counselor...

There are a number of people in my life that bring such joy or laughter, feelings of pride or safeguarding. Each holds a special place in my heart. Mikee has been around for about 15 years. Hard to believe it's been that long but it has. Mikee is about 7 years younger than me and, honestly, I was a bit taken back when he first walked through the doors. Picture a very handsome and taller Vin Diesel. He has tattoos everywhere from the neck down and, at 6'4" he can present himself as pretty badass. I suppose he is badass but he also has a tender, sweet side. When he first starting working with us he told me he was best described himself as a 'MOM". His former wife had walked out on him and his two tiny daughters leaving to raise them on his own. He did just that for a long time. He's an amazing dad. Our mutual friend and co-worker Tim Garrety brought Mikee here to take care of the music venue portion of our indoor skate board park. Kids from all around ...

I am banking of this to be true. Today I am grateful for the fact that I am not a good sleeper. I woke up to a strange noise and since am nearly deaf, that is a miracle in itself. At first I thought the Boy Scout was snoring and, as his snoring takes on a multitude of manifestations, I dismissed the noise and went back to the effort of falling asleep. The noise persisted and seemed to come from the wrong direction. When I sat up, I realized the noise coming from Sophie and it was not a familiar one. Anyone with a Frenchie knows that they make a ton of strange noises but this was a sort of rasp. When I got to her, I found her choking on the sweater that I had put on her earlier in the day. It had made its way down her back somehow but I had looped it through her collar and the result was her laying there gasping for air. Quickly, I removed her collar and stroked her head and body. After a moment or two, she sat up, looked at me seriously, blinked her watery eyes a few times, took...

My youngest was involved in a fender bender on the last day of the year. She tried to call me but I wasn't near my phone. Later I got a text from her sister asking if I had talked to her and quickly realized there was a problem.  Previously, when I felt anxiety or fear, I would lash out in a bad way. I would look for blame and place it squarely so that I could get rid of the feelings. There was an accident and I was able to be supportive and relaxed; basically not make the situation worse for everyone. The little gal that hit my daughter was there and I did not engage in any way. There was no need. That's what insurance companies are for :) I can deal with uncomfortable feelings better than ever. So cool.

Got invited to go to my daughters counseling appointment yesterday. She is working so hard and I am so proud of her. My girl is an amazing thoughtful person who is so purposeful and diligent in her endeavors at being an excellent girlfriend, daughter, sister and friend. It was lovely to go and to recognize how much she loves me despite all of my failures and faults. I am blessed beyond measure to be loved that way and to be able to, finally, know how to return it fully.  One of the greatest gifts Al-Anon has given me is the ability to detach my personal value from just about everyone around me and allow me to love without conditions. My mothering skills, or lack of them, does not make me unlovable, it makes me human. Still my fear of many things get in the way of peace. But given some time, I am working those things out. Learning to recognize the difference between reactions and responses is my next goal. It's a sneaky one....one moment I feel so assured that I am in the ...

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real I'm across the road from hope I'm under a bridge in a rip tide That's taken everything I call my own One step closer to knowing One step closer to knowing I'm on an island at a busy intersection I can't go forward, I can't turn back Can't see the future It's getting away from me I just watch the tail lights glowing One step closer to knowing One step closer to knowing One step closer to knowing Knowing, knowing I'm hanging out to dry With my old clothes Finger still red with the prick of an old rose Well the heart that hurts Is a heart that beats Can you hear the drummer slowing? One step closer to knowing One step closer to knowing One step closer to knowing To knowing, to knowing, to knowing U2 One of my very favorites.  It's how I feel so much of the time. That, unfortunately, does not seem to change no matter how hard I work my program or stay in the moment or focus on my gratef...