Step 5 - Admitting I Was Wrong

I was talking with the Boy Scout about an incident that happened before he came along. I'm not proud of it but it felt good to admit it to someone even if he didn't understand the weight of it.

After the Secret Keeper finished with rehab in Vegas, he flew home to Burbank airport.  I drove the hour long drive to pick him up in anxiety and anger. Was I mad...what an understatement. My entire world had been turned upside down and it was all I could do to remember to eat on occasion. The craziness I had lived in before his rehab was a practice run to my life for the 8 weeks while he was gone. The phone calls, the constant feeling of disorientation, the shock at each new revelation and the bewilderment of the actions of an addict. 
 
How could I have not seen the world from his point of view too? Why was I unable to realize that everything he knew had been smashed? How could I have been so selfish?

The idea makes me feel slightly ill now. And without my counselor and Al-Anon tools I might be on a track of self loathing but I know that living in fear was what drove me. At that point I was afraid of everything.....losing my home, losing health insurance, him harming himself or me or someone else, wishing he was dead, having my kids resent me, having me kids need help I couldn't give, having the people he had surrounded himself with come to our home, having him come home, feeling incredibly stupid, etc. etc. etc.

The ride back home from the airport was not a pretty one. At first I committed to not talking, knowing my temper would take over. That must have lasted a whole 5 minutes. Then, this poor sick man got it and got it good. I attacked and asked questions, he would answer and I'd attack again. I did my best to riddle him with guilt (as if he did not carry enough). Honestly, I did not know what to do with the horrific feelings that assaulted my brain and body. The betrayal, the manipulations, the lying...it all hurt so much and somebody had to be responsible, didn't they?
I have learned so much since that time. If I could go back I don't know if I would do a whole lot better....I have so far to go. But I would like to think that I could look at him and realize his pain too, empathize with his loss. I suppose that recognizing this is, in itself, moving forward. Amends are made but how I wish I could just be a normal person.

Still trying, still learning, still wanting kindness to rule my life. Someday.




Comments

  1. BirdieJanuary 7, 2017 at 6:00 PM

    Life is so complicated and confusing. We mess up. We learn and grow. Then we mess up again. And then one day we do something right! And we build on it. And then we mess up and the cycle starts again. I know I *am* learning. And so are you. Be good enough to yourself to see it and embrace it.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

What do you have to say about that?

Popular posts from this blog

A Journey To Home

Image
My tender hearted girl decided she wanted to foster an old lady. Selkie is 14, is nearly deaf and nearly blind, has a hard time walking and uses her bark to get her needs met.  She got her home, took her for a bath and then basically loved this old girl for three weeks until the property manager decided that it wasn’t a good match (barking too much AND because she is a pit bull).  My girl knew it was probably temporary but she gave that dog a comfortable loving home, away from the chaos of the shelter, for a short time.  Ideally, she would have walked her home but that’s not how it worked this time.  Last night she stood and ugly cried on a strangers shoulder after giving her back.  I love that girl and her sweet heart.  I wish Selkie a new final home full of love. 
Read more

Private Eye

Image
We pass by the house frequently since it sits on a busy thoroughfare. We know to look every time we pass and guess what will we see. Will it be the two Dalmatians, sitting on the couch that backs up to the giant panel window, waiting for their human to come home? Or will it be their human, sitting slightly to the right of middle (allowing for a better view of the giant mounted tv across the room) of the said couch. They are never there at the same time. It’s one or the other. One sleepless night, when my body was willing but my brain was not, I did a little sleuthing. It’s amazing what you can find out about a complete stranger.   His name is Gary and, from what I can tell, he’s never been married. He has worked his way up in a air duct company. He’s now the senior VP but it’s a small company and he still goes out on jobs, judging from  the reviews on Yelp. I know he has two siblings and that their father passed away in 2018. His memorial was held in a Buddhist temple and Gary...
Read more

Go!

Image
 Vai. E, se der medo, vai con medo mesmo. When one is raised in an angry family, it’s not enough to say I don’t want to be angry. You must learn how to do it differently. That’s no easy task. If judgment and self hatred became a way of life, a new way to live has to be taught. There are many ways to do it. Reading, writing, sharing, practicing all help the change. Counseling, psychoanalysis, religion, meditation, gratitude, have the ability to transform but I needed to see it in action, it needed to be more tangible, visual, accessible. I needed to understand the possibilities. There is a YouTube channel that I watch over and over again in order to absorb how to live more fully, more open and from the heart. One of the first episodes that I stumbled on is this…. The channel is Reflections of Life and through it we get to meet people who are doing life a little differently, often more soul based. People who are living life, healing wounds and finding what is truly important.  I...
Read more