I was talking with the Boy Scout about an incident that happened before he came along. I'm not proud of it but it felt good to admit it to someone even if he didn't understand the weight of it.
After the Secret Keeper finished with rehab in Vegas, he flew home to Burbank airport. I drove the hour long drive to pick him up in anxiety and anger. Was I mad...what an understatement. My entire world had been turned upside down and it was all I could do to remember to eat on occasion. The craziness I had lived in before his rehab was a practice run to my life for the 8 weeks while he was gone. The phone calls, the constant feeling of disorientation, the shock at each new revelation and the bewilderment of the actions of an addict.
How could I have not seen the world from his point of view too? Why was I unable to realize that everything he knew had been smashed? How could I have been so selfish?
The idea makes me feel slightly ill now. And without my counselor and Al-Anon tools I might be on a track of self loathing but I know that living in fear was what drove me. At that point I was afraid of everything.....losing my home, losing health insurance, him harming himself or me or someone else, wishing he was dead, having my kids resent me, having me kids need help I couldn't give, having the people he had surrounded himself with come to our home, having him come home, feeling incredibly stupid, etc. etc. etc.
The ride back home from the airport was not a pretty one. At first I committed to not talking, knowing my temper would take over. That must have lasted a whole 5 minutes. Then, this poor sick man got it and got it good. I attacked and asked questions, he would answer and I'd attack again. I did my best to riddle him with guilt (as if he did not carry enough). Honestly, I did not know what to do with the horrific feelings that assaulted my brain and body. The betrayal, the manipulations, the lying...it all hurt so much and somebody had to be responsible, didn't they?I have learned so much since that time. If I could go back I don't know if I would do a whole lot better....I have so far to go. But I would like to think that I could look at him and realize his pain too, empathize with his loss. I suppose that recognizing this is, in itself, moving forward. Amends are made but how I wish I could just be a normal person.
Still trying, still learning, still wanting kindness to rule my life. Someday.