This is to hard divulge. I wish I could forget about it...I wish I could be normal...I wish.......
The Boy Scout and I went golfing with a good friend on Saturday. Had a great day; beautiful out, chilly but bearable. On nine, it seems that a lot of golf courses meet back up with the club house and it is there that people often quench their thirst. The Boy Scout got me a cider, our friend a beer and himself a big beer (bigger than normal). I suppose only an Al-Anon would even notice this. When the game was over I was really hungry as it was a couple of hours past lunch time. We went to a place called Harry's Plaza Cafe. I've been there before and was aware that he has a history with the place. When I say history, it often means that both the food and the drinks are good (something that he would emphasize).
When we arrived at the restaurant, I was disappointed because it looked really full and I was not too interested in waiting. Surprised, the waiter grabbed menus and escorted us through a door I hadn't seen before. It was another dining room with a big bar. The tables were nearly empty...the bar, not so much. I noticed right off people being a little louder than necessary, laughing uproariously and a few kinda off balance. Ok...no biggie right?
We looked over the menu and the Boy Scout graciously asked me if I would mind if he ordered a cocktail. I know I stiffened...he knew it too. He then said never mind, that he respected my discomfort and ordered an ice tea. I sat and thought and then proceeded to tell him that I did not have a problem with the cocktail but I was uncomfortable if he drank today and tomorrow (a whole day of watching the NFL playoffs). Neurotic right? I know, I know. I hate it!!! He agreed and proceeded to order a gin and tonic. Not really sure but I am thinking since he had eaten nothing since breakfast except that big beer and that he started in on the cocktail before dinner, his behavior changed in a way I had not expected. About half way through dinner, his mouth got mushy, his mannerisms got very slow and deliberate and the ever present repeating of phrases that has become a hallmark of his when he is a bit buzzed made an appearance.
My ears started ringing louder than ever. I grew more and more uncomfortable as a older couple hobbled by, barely able to walk a straight line. I felt trapped and angry and AFRAID. Did it make sense? Probably not. Is is logical? Not really. It just brought back bad memories. It made me feel completely and utterly OUT OF CONTROL! I got up and walked out...the drive home did not go well. A melt down....a great big, I CANNOT DO THIS, kind of melt down emerged in an ugly way.
Lord, will it ever end? Will I ever recover from the walls and barricades of self preservation that I erected because of a fearfull childhood and a marriage with a sick man?
What I know is
- it was appalling and unnecessary
- it could have been a lot worse
- it ended sooner than it would have a year ago
- I made a mistake, I am not a mistake
- I hurt the man I love
- I am human and trying to do better
Today, just for today, I will do better. I will ask my Higher Power to;