An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

A picture from yesterdays golf game..my favorite hole. New Years resolution...continue last years and say yes. Feelings today....interesting.  I just kinda realized that I am seeing my siblings less and less. L and S, who are both older than me (and with whom I was once so close) continue to do things together as couples whenever they get a chance and I, or we, are rarely invited. Probably because they are so used to me saying no but also because they have developed common interests that I don't share. Not necessarily because I don't want to but because when my life went on hold, when everything was crazy in my house, their lives went on. They go on cruises together, they have kayaks and took swing dance classes together. It's alright...I am happy they are busy and having a good time but I do wish I was a bit busier and that my world was a bigger. Perhaps a new resolution? Feeling anxiety today for no particular reason so I am trying self care. Allowing myself to...

The Christmas holiday came and went but was loaded with special moments. Christmas Eve found me, quite surprisingly , at church with three of my four kids (I missed that fourth greatly but she was taking care of what she needed to take care of). My boys both have fairly skeptical views of religion in general, which I respect, but I tremendously enjoyed getting to share my church community with them, even for just an hour. The kids spent the morning with their dad so the Boy Scout and I took it easy with a beautiful walk on the beach. The weather was amazing.  We talked about the year past, our hopes for the coming year, the idea of having a New Year's resolution and a variety of other subjects. Back at the house by noonish, the Boy Scout went full speed ahead with an amazing amount of energy putting together a dinner for 9. The dinner was incredible with: Rack of Pork with chutney sauce Potatoes and Squash au gratin Green Beans with Wine and Shallots Warm Beet ...

It’s Christmas Eve morning and I've been awake since 3:36 a.m. Lots of time to think about this past year; overall, a pretty good one. My kids are healthy and making their way on this planet. Each finding their own unique community with the life skills that they have acquired thus far. My wish for each of them is to focus on the growth process. Do not accept the status quo as good enough. There is so much to learn in this life and the moment you stop growing is the moment that you start wasting precious time. We are here for such a short period of time...don't squander a second of it. That doesn't mean don't relax. Do it!!! Take a long bath, read a book in one day, walk aimlessly without a destination but be present, love the person you are and love the people around you lavishly. I had a heart squeezing moment the other day when talking to one of the kids. He's visiting from school.  Our "home" was packed up and sold while he was out of stat...

Holy CRAP!!! Doesn't that just make the most sense? If we don't love and accept ourselves, if we don't find ourselves worthy, how the hell could we walk into a room and expect a complete stranger or a casual acquaintance to do so? How can we join a book club, the PTA or join a group of co-workers heading to have drinks and feel a part of? If the small girl in me rationalized that she was not sufficiently important for her father to bother to be a dad or the woman in me failed to be "enough" in her marriage, how can I expect the next person to love me thoroughly. Loads of work to do and not getting any younger. I'll keep on trying! Gotta love Brene

Your Children are not Your Children by  Kahlil Gibran Your Children are not Your Children They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.  I love this so much. I used to want my children to be like me and hold my beliefs. My community demonized the "worldly world" and I bought it hook, line and sinker. I worried about their salvation and being exposed to too much too soon. I felt guilty for my complete horror at the thought of home schooling while so many of my friends did that or enrolled the...

I am a feminist. As a feminist, I get to decide exactly what that word means to me and how it affects my life and my choices. Feminism, to me, simply means that I desire for gender equality in the workplace, home, in our county and in this world. It does not mean, in any way, shape, or form, that I dislike men. I love men. That being said, our society has, starting at a very young age, worked hard to make women and girls feel inadequate.  How else would the beauty industry reach sales of $426 BILLION in 2013? I buy into it as much as many.  I spend a butt load of money on anti-aging moisturizers, a couple of grand per year on keeping my hair "up", got out of buying mascara by having eyelash extensions done every 10 days, and I've threatened to have Botox on my number 11's.  I will do what I feel comfortable doing while, hopefully, bouncing my choices off of what society expects of me and whether that is reasonable or not. Many men have also learned to dance ...

Patterns in our lives can be destructive and so very hard to recognize. I'm reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and have seen myself in the book over and over again. The Karpman drama triangle in Chapter 8 is standing out at the moment. This chapter deals with rescue and care-taking. We rescue because we don't feel good about ourselves.  We rescue because it is easier to do so than to deal with the feelings we are feeling when someone we care about is suffering or in need. We rescue because it makes us feel better about ourselves or feel more in control of an uncomfortable situation. We rescue whether we are asked or not....whether the rescued are completely able to care for themselves. Rescuing or "care-taking" breeds anger when the rescued let us down or rejects us or our advice. We get angry at the rejection and attack. Afterwards, we become the victim, pointing out all that we have done for them. Seeing the pattern is the only way to mo...

Office Christmas party tonight.  All I can say about that is that it is wonderful to be going and feeling normal. Last year the Boy Scout came with me but there was still a lot of pain from the previous couple of years and forgiveness remained a stumbling block. Forgiving the Secret Keeper, some of the people attending the party and, above all, myself. This year I do not have to worry about whether my partner will show up or how he will be acting when he does. I will not be sitting next to my spouse and wondering if anyone else in the room feels as confused and desperately lonely. Tonight I don't have to question if the rest of my life was going to remain exactly the same and if I could ever learn to be happy with the situation.  Now I know it was my job to be happy in spite of the situation. I had, with the help of a special friend, started on that journey even before the Secret Keeper left but I had quite a ways to go. Resentments took up too much space in my head. Th...