Beyond Forgiveness

Office Christmas party tonight. 

 All I can say about that is that it is wonderful to be going and feeling normal. Last year the Boy Scout came with me but there was still a lot of pain from the previous couple of years and forgiveness remained a stumbling block. Forgiving the Secret Keeper, some of the people attending the party and, above all, myself.

 This year I do not have to worry about whether my partner will show up or how he will be acting when he does. I will not be sitting next to my spouse and wondering if anyone else in the room feels as confused and desperately lonely. Tonight I don't have to question if the rest of my life was going to remain exactly the same and if I could ever learn to be happy with the situation. 

 Now I know it was my job to be happy in spite of the situation. I had, with the help of a special friend, started on that journey even before the Secret Keeper left but I had quite a ways to go. Resentments took up too much space in my head. They rationalized and justified my bad behavior in the midst of the craziness. I still do that to some extent but I am getting better every day.

 So tonight when I go to the annual party full of people I love, I will feel pretty peaceful, happy and ready for hugs. In return my smiles will be authentic and heart full but I will be thinking of another man besides just my Boy Scout. I will, with empathy, give the Secret Keeper to my higher power.  I will reach out to him with compassion to remind him he is not nearly as alone as he thinks he is (or as his disease tells him he is). He deserves kindness and compassion and God has been faithful to remind me that I have the ability to give it.

 Blessed❤️️

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