An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

The house continues to empty out into the garage. Belongings put into boxes...most going to storage for the next 4 or 5 weeks. I wonder.....do I really need these things if I can live without them for next month or so? Some yes, some no. I look forward to sorting these boxes out and doing a 2nd garage sale in less than 2 months. Lifting the weight of STUFF off of my shoulders. I watched a TED talk that talked about minimalism. I may try a modified version of it. Packing up your entire belongings and getting rid of everything you were not forced to unpack in the following 30 days. That's a bit extreme for me, as it doesn't account for the little treasures children bestowed upon their lucky recipients that jogs beautiful memories.  Or the last Christmas gift from Mom before she died...whether I liked it or not. Still too precious to give up....at least for now. I have a loved one that would be considered a hoarder by any account. Her "stuff" owns her. That's ...

It's been awhile.  That's good really.  It means not too low and not too high, just a steady making my way. I like it this way. I am diligently packing and attending my meetings. Making headway in my relationships with the people I love. Hopefully being more available and less judging. The house hunt continues and I work hard on trusting that God has a plan that he has yet to reveal. I have an offer in on a tiny little house in town. I love the idea of downsizing but know it will have its challenges. Meanwhile, I would like it if the house would pass inspection and life would move forward. I remind myself to live in the moment and enjoy the last few weeks in the home I love but that now belongs to someone else. Also important to enjoy the beach rental I will have for the next 4 weeks. Good price and allows my pets...YAY!!! My son, at school in Portland, will not get to see our house again and that makes us both a little sad. He put a lot of hard work in that once all dir...

When being grateful outweighs the pain, you know you will recover. You know you can love and laugh and live a life with purpose. The weight of anger and pain and, dare I say, hatred is considerable, so burdensome. At times, the need to feel justified, validated by onlookers, perhaps even pitied (guilty as charged) can keep you in that horrible place.  But life moves forward. If you are wise or if you have someone around that helps you open your eyes or if you can somehow see how much damage it does to your heart and to the ones that love you, you can try to drag yourself up. Some people forgive so easy. I am not that person. But I've got a God that wants so much more for me than anger and spite. He has begun the softening of my rough edges and pointed out those areas that need work. Some that I knew of but held onto like an treasured family heirloom and some I simply was not conscious of. Our families of origin helped form the people we are; good, bad or otherwise. I li...

It makes everyone more comfortable to think I'm ok, looking up to me for my strength, or being off the hook for having to be concerned. There are days I can handle it, my shoulders feel strong. And then there are the other days.....

Not much going on.  What a wonderful thing to be able to say. My house entered escrow and I spent an afternoon crying and knowing that it was necessary. That's done and now I have moved on with being grateful for so many things. Big things and little things; the "things" don't matter, it's being grateful that matters. I have a few people in my life that have NO family. One in particular has no one except a spouse. How does one get through in this world without family? I've always said that my siblings were the greatest gift my parents could have bestowed upon me. They have been a balm in the storm knowing I could count on them. Even our blacksheep, who I haven't seen since my mom died, would be there if I called him. It's something our Mom taught us without even saying a word. I realize now that I can get through just about anything, day by day. With or without help, when I stop fretting over what could possibly happen tomorrow, I do so much bett...

I am going to readdress an issue that I have already written about, but it is so important that I must revisit it just to cement it in my brain. There was a light bulb above my head that suddenly glowed bright in that very moment when I realized the genesis of the shame and embarrassment I felt when it came to my marriage during the last few years. As my Secret Keeper slowly disintegrated into his mental illness and drug abuse, the feelings that I experienced were all the emotions one would expect and read about. Anger, hurt, fear, betrayal etc. One very strong feeling was shame; I felt like an idiot.  But why? Because it went on so long? Because it happened under my nose? Because I trusted him to do the right thing even in his depression? Perhaps a little of each of those but there was a bigger issue and it was all MINE. It seems that a fragile, unexamined part of my ego took a tremendous beating by having my marriage fail. I recall at an early age deciding that I was going ...

Sometimes it's hard to find the beauty. It takes some digging, removing the layers of sadness, picking through the ugly strewn anger, raking up loose lying hurts and, finally, unlocking the shackles of fear. Underneath it all can be amazing blessings that astound! They're always there but they get covered, rendered invisible or maybe we just become blind. For me it was blindness. The weight of the world made me unable to see the real beauty lying just on the other side. The other side of self pity and shame. As I peel away the ugliness, I have also been blessed by a new view of others. I suddenly see others gifts and beauty instead of focusing on their flaws. And when I don't, I am more aware and start to question the motives of my poor focus. This is especially helpful when feelings are so raw. One can rush into analyzing the meanings of conversations or a statement, easily taking the low road and thinking the worst of the other person. What matters is to live in th...