Friday, January 30, 2015

Know Theyself

I am going to readdress an issue that I have already written about, but it is so important that I must revisit it just to cement it in my brain.

There was a light bulb above my head that suddenly glowed bright in that very moment when I realized the genesis of the shame and embarrassment I felt when it came to my marriage during the last few years. As my Secret Keeper slowly disintegrated into his mental illness and drug abuse, the feelings that I experienced were all the emotions one would expect and read about. Anger, hurt, fear, betrayal etc.

One very strong feeling was shame; I felt like an idiot.  But why? Because it went on so long? Because it happened under my nose? Because I trusted him to do the right thing even in his depression? Perhaps a little of each of those but there was a bigger issue and it was all MINE.

It seems that a fragile, unexamined part of my ego took a tremendous beating by having my marriage fail. I recall at an early age deciding that I was going to be "smarter"than my mother and other women in my life who chose "badly". I would choose better....a better husband, a better father, a more upstanding individual with the morals I deemed were required to make suitable life partner. My Secret Keeper seemed to fit all the criteria and more!! How was I to know that he learned early on to put on masks? At any rate, the realization that my shame stemmed from a decision that I made as a 12 year old was astonishing and it gives me the basis for making the changes I need to make to move on positively.

The need to pull out all my long held convictions and reevaluate them now stands before me, challenging me to be more aware. Changing my default.

Meanwhile, I will remember that I did the best I could with what I had at the time, as did my poor Secret Keeper. Additionally, I will ALWAYS try remember that the 4 biggest blessings of my life are a result of the love my Secret Keeper and I once shared.
Hopefully, we can both be each other and to ourselves.

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