An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Back in the saddle. Still with a nasty head cold but the rest of it has settled. What will be will be.   If they offer, I will take. If they don't, I will adjust my tiara. On to the next. Have a great Saturday.

Today is not a great day.  Interview went fine, despite a nasty head cold, but I walked out feeling empty and repelled. I am sure they are perfectly nice, that group of oddballs, but the hearses and the chimneys…I don’t know it just feels like, well, the shits.  So now if they offer the job I have to decide do I take it and deal with outdated methods like keeping the books on paper journals, and the granite lobby compared to the absolute chaotic back rooms and offices. If I don’t take it then I’m still without a job and, truthfully, I’m burning through the savings mighty fast. This electrician here, this plumber here….etc.   My plans have not turned out as expected.  Yesterday I had peace abut it’s gone. It’ll come back. It always does but damn.  I’m lonely and life back home has just gone on as usual for my friends and family. I feel like I am trying to scrape gratitude out of the crevices right now. I’m doing a bad job of it.  

Off to a 3rd interview at funeral home/cemetery. Pay is ok. Benefits are good.  The pièce de résistance......they offer an employee discount! I'm not even sure how to take that one.

The Boy Scout and I still have things we are finding out about each other. One reason for that is that in the past neither of us were very “safe” receivers of each others hearts. I had a way of weaponizing information and, truthfully, so did he. The other reason is that we are just getting to know ourselves in ways we never dreamed was possible. I am unable to share what I am not aware of. Today, he shared a sweet part of his heart. We were talking about neighbors and how much gratitude we have for the people on our street. Yesterday the two kids from next door came over with two “Valentimes” cupcakes. "Happy Valetimes", they say with glee as he opens the door. They brought two but they only have eyes for him. It’s the Boy Scout they absolutely love and he loves them back. He could not stop smiling   Later, he says to me, “One thing that makes me feel the presence of God is with children. It’s like He said, “I know you wanted kids and didn’t get them but I’ve made sure that k...

I was sitting on the horrible kitchen linoleum, scraping up the paint that I dripped while painting the green walls, when in walks Winnie. She says with a big smile, “Want to take a walk to paradise?” I hesitated. I was tired. I’d been awake since 2:30am, after awakening from a bad dream. But then I remember we are only here once so…..live in the moment….be more like Winnie.  “Let me get some shoes on”, I say and off we go.  We walk to Kellogg Creek which is within hearing distance but only accessible about a mile away. We sneak through fences while talking about life and love and faith.  She loves her church. It is her life BUT she sheepishly looks at me and divulges, “I am a feminist”.  No big surprise there. Someone as full of life as she is, how could she not be? She knows that it doesn’t go hand in hand with her faith but she makes allowances for it. Kellogg Creek is achingly beautiful and serene. I felt grateful that I could still hear the water making its way ...

I’m sitting in the car about to go into my next interview. The horrible anxiety I felt at the beginning of this process has eased and I am able to find a center before going in to find out if this particular group of people find me worthy. Such an abandoned child point of view. I wish I could go in with the feeling that they are lucky I am here and, if they act real smart, I might just accept them. That mindset is elusive.  Deep breathe.   The interview yesterday went well. I think I could do the job. Overall, it suited me well, with flexible hours, casual dress and very close to home, but then she asked how I would do on the phone with non-sober people (it was a recovery center). I faked my way thru that even as my anxiety amped up. I have empathy, I really do, but I didn’t realize that the bookkeeper would have to interact with addicts and drunks. “Not REAL often”, she says to me. Somehow, with the emphasis on REAL, I didn’t feel comforted. This body, with its trauma memory,...

This is Winnie. This woman is absolutely amazing. She is all of 4 ft 10 in. She is a staunch lifelong, very Irish, catholic with the most open and loving spirit. She has been married to Andrew for 64 years.......yup.....she and Andrew got married the year Boy Scout was born. Boy Scout found her walking her dog Francis in the street and as they are made from the same mold (meaning neither one of them has ever met a stranger) they became fast friends. This woman shares wisdom without even meaning to and she reminds me that the job of growing is never over. The other day when we were speed walking (I've finally met someone who walks like me) I asked her, "Do you love being small? I was the smallest person in my school of 900 kids in 7th grade. I loved being small. Do you?"  Her reply was that she had a gift. She is completely unaware that she is small and proceeded to tell me all the times where she stood tall and actually thought she was. Size is in your mind she says. She ...