An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

The other day, on the way to a meeting, the Boy Scout and I approached a very busy intersection. This particular intersection, in addition to its 4 normal lanes, has 2 left turn lanes as it feeds the 101 freeway a few blocks down. Looking over to my left, I noticed a homeless gal trying to pick up a friend who had fallen out of his wheelchair into the street near the corner. She was having no luck. The gent was an amputee and was not able to help her much. We came to a stop at the red light waiting to make our left turn and, without a word, the Boy Scout jumps out of the car and hurries over to the corner, ignoring the traffic. In this big intersection, where dozens of cars are stopped, and loads are speeding by, he was the only one that got out to help, not the 30ish construction guy on my left, not the two high school boys behind him. Finally, a gal that was pumping gasoline nearby came over. Between the two of them, they got the gent back in his chair and up on the curb. My man s...

Is it possible this man saw into the future or is he looking back in history. I'm not sure but these words have special meaning at this very point in time. “It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.” ~ Joseph Heller, Catch 22

We were young, with our whole lives ahead of us. In the process of planning our wedding, we had big dreams of the future. Santa Paula, the  little town we lived in, was having a holiday celebration. All the downtown shops displayed historical photos in addition to their Christmas decorations. The Secret Keeper and I were looking at a very old photo of the little red school house that sits just outside of town. In front were about 20 students, girls in pinafores and big bows, boys in knickers and caps. As we gazed, a tiny woman, elegantly dressed with pearls and stunning white hair, walked up with an equally small gent. Clearly, they had both welcomed their 90th decade. I looked over with a smile and she gave me a radiant smile back. Then, using her tremulous finger, she pointed to one of the smaller children in the photo and said, “That is me there and that is Henry”, glancing over to her fragile companion. She went on to explain to us how they had each gone their separate ways,...

It started out lovely, shiny and new. I jumped in and revelled in the feelings that I had not felt in decades. After 30 years with someone else, the last 10 of those years being difficult at best, how wonderous for me. Like most alliances, there was the phase of discovery and fascination, where those involved tended to be on their best behavior, hiding their darker sides. The unconscious darkness stayed in the background, laying dormant, waiting and watching. And then the shift, who did it first....I couldn't say. But being myself, I would blame him for hiding the parts of him that were too hard for me to tolerate. And the more he hid, the more I reacted. Not coming from a healthy foundation, I fought it, wondering why. Why stay here when you want to be someone I cannot handle? Why lie and say you will and then do the opposite. I cannot give his side except to say that possibly it was my need to control was what forced him underground. What I know, for sure, is that I went...

I had coffee with a new friend. It was interesting and enjoyable. My friend, Louise, has had a fascinating and difficult life. She is the daughter of a narcissist who still, at 92, bullies her and everyone else around her. If anyone has ever encountered a true narcissist, you know how difficult they are. Everything is someone else's fault, shaming those around them, little empathy for anyone but themselves, and a great need to be admired. We talked of Louise's education, with two advanced degrees in Mythological Studies and Depth Psychology, and her work as a college professor. I found she is trilingual. I realized this and reacted with the proper amount of admiration. She looked at me and shrugged, reminding me that it is very common in Europe for a person to be tri or quadrilingual. It occurred to me that our American education system fails us by not looking more outward. The Boy Scout reminded me that most middle schools offer foreign languages. That is my experienc...

People say, in terms of beauty, that the more symmetrical of faces, the more beautiful it actually is. And yet, faces that are not overburdened with symmetry can be remarkably beautiful too. Because, with the human face, an inner life is veiled and we live behind our faces. And really, it's the heart and soul that illuminate the face and make the face beautiful, because the face is a miniature landscape. And engraved in it are memory, story, dream, gift, need and possibility. And when the face illuminates, we see the beauty of the soul in which it dwells. ~John O'Donohue, Beauty: The Invisible Embrace Some faces cause me to feel something and, though not as western society ascribes, I can't help but find beautiful. \

Blah blah blah La dee daaa I can’t sleep I counted sheep Read the news Perused some shoes Played a game Its such a shame My eyes are tired But the brain is wired I bug the man Just because I can The next time I dine No iced tea, maybe wine

 I am sitting at the beach this morning and doing my meditation. It’s gorgeous out. People walking, people running, the water is glassy so only a few surfers are out this morning. The homeless and the strung out are here too. Honestly, if I were homeless I’d live here. We rarely get too hot and we rarely get too cold. I was thinking about a conversation with my daughter. She was struggling a bit and I wanted to give her advice but instead I tried to listen. This morning I again start thinking about things I could say to her that might help and then I realized that the biggest way I can help is just to give her the unconditional love that every person on this planet needs. It’s her job to learn to love herself and that will be her path to walk the rest of her life. While I’m around I will continue to try to be Mom in the truest sense of the word. It’s freeing, to let go of her problem, and just love. And it allows me to sit here and enjoy this beautiful morning. Life is goo...

I have mentioned in previous blogs that I love the Santa Ana winds. They come, once or twice, every year and with them, the heat rises. As I left the house this morning, the wind is blowing and leaves are everywhere. Though strong, they have not been especially destructive here in town. I opened the door to leave for work. It’s still quite dark. Ole Santa Ana, she grabbed that door from my hand and whipped it with a warm gust. Leaves and twigs whirled around me as if I was Marilyn Monroe standing above grate in Manhattan. I shut the door and walked to the car, noticing a branch here and a palm frond there. I think it’s the wonderful warmth within the exhilarating force that pulls me in every year. Unfortunately, it is also these winds that helped fan the flames of the Thomas fire that started before Christmas of 2017 and burned until mid January 2018, and destroyed a good part of this county. And they had a hand in the Woolsey fire the happened just one year later, again devastati...

While sitting in La Super Rica  yesterday, I watched a young man walking on the sidewalk. There was something not quite right. He leaned to the side as he walked and it almost looked like his shoulder was dislocated. His left arm was very long and kind of dangled. Suddenly, he started loping forward, passing right by another walker going in the same direction. He was in a big hurry. As I scanned forward, I noticed an older gentleman, in a wheelchair, struggling to get out of the street and onto the sidewalk. The corner was wheelchair accessible but the gentleman was not strong enough to get his chair up the ramp. The young man reached the older gent, struggled to get the chair from the street to the sidewalk and went on his way. I could not see that a word passed between the two. Just a moment of caring and decency and, dare I say, being human. ps. La Super Rica is a tiny mexican food stand that it OUTSTANDING and was a favorite of Julia Childs in her later years. She r...

ACA wasn't my first walk with 12 Steps. After hitting my bottom, where I lost my marriage, my home, my security and my dreams, I made my way to an Al-Anon meeting. My hopes were that it would help me to get over my anger. My motivation was that I did not want my kids to lose the father that they knew to mental illness and addiction, only to lose their mom to bitterness and spite. I didn't really go for me. That program took me far enough to find forgiveness for the man but it didn't touch on the guilt and shame I carried for myself. A counselor had been suggesting ACA for a good long while and, finally, my heart opened enough to give it a try. I went once and quickly left. I judged and felt ill at ease and did not go back for a few months. I just wasn't ready. Eventually, my higher power, my conscience, the universe...something kept telling me to get back in there. How I feared it. Feared baring myself to strangers. I went and, after awhile, I was able to openly ...

I am reading a book called Motherless Daughters. So far, I find it is touching parts of me that I have tidily put away. I wasn't a child when I lost my mother but the child inside of me still needed her. That part that couldn't quite grow up, that piece that didn't trust the world or herself. I think of some of my friends who lost their mothers young or whose mothers were not able to be mothers for whatever reason and I ache for them even though, a few in particular, are incredibly strong women; far more well adapted for this world than I am. I remember my sister telling me that when a friend asked her about her family, she, without any forethought and with utter surprise, said, "I am an orphan". She was 55 and 57 when my parents died. I still miss my mom, 10 years on, but through counseling and ACA and healing, I don't sit in it and feel like I need her to come save me, hold me and comfort me in my pain. Now I miss her dear friendship and one of the few ...

WORD FOR THE DAY Imperfection and perfection go so hand in hand, and our dark and our light are so intertwined, that by trying to push the darkness or negative aspects of our life to the side...we are preventing ourselves from the fullness of life. JEFF BRIDGES The twisted idea of perfectionism has a been around for quite awhile. I'm no expert but I think the women's movement of the 70's had a little hand in that destructive practice by implying we could have it all. I was one of those who tried to have a satisfying career, a perfect house, well adapted children doing fantastic in school, a good marriage, being connected in my church, etc. It's a path of self delusion and disappointment. The new perfectionism is far more heinous and ugly. I see it in women of all ages but it especially afflicts the young. The creation of perfection on social media and the way the young chase it down through lifestyle and body alterations and then doing the exact same thin...