An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Day 3 - Stand in from of a door that gets decent traffic. Open the door for people and smile. Smile until they smile back. Do this at least two minutes. So, weirdly standing at a door is not my thing but I do love to connect with people so a little trip to our local Target fits the bill without acting like a complete odd ball. Making eye contact and smiling is a simple way to start a short conversation, empathize with a young, worn out mom or just a way to let someone know you see them.  Honestly, I am not sure why this is considered a exercise in self-love but, ah well, as I am a rule follower I did this one consciously and open-heartedly. It was nice.

Day 2 of 30 Acts of Self Love for 30 Days of Happiness. Day 2 - Find an old picture of you and a family member. Write a comment about how this person has helped you without expecting anything back and give thanks. It can be on Facebook or anywhere else. Easy!!! This picture is of a dear old family friend and my sisters. Although there may be conflict on occasion, these three ladies have been my dearest friends and confidants through thick and thin. Over the last two or three years, each of them has held my hand, listened to my broken heart and fed my broken body. What do people do without sisters? I don't even want to consider it.  In the early days of the  craziness  that had become my life, Pam would text me every day with a hug and a kind word.  She would get off of work and drive an hour to bring food and sit to make sure I was eating. As my weight had dropped to under 100 lbs...she would not take no for an answer. I’d get a daily remi...

30 Acts of Self Love for 30 Days of Happiness Day 1- Write down 5 things that you love about yourself. Ok, so..... I am a kind person (most of the time) I am an excellent listener (unless I am really mad) I take care of my health. I am very loyal. I keep learning. It seems to me that the more I accept and love myself, the more I can love and accept others. Over the next 30 days I will attempt to change my default of negative self thought. Join me?  I'd would love to hear the five things that you love about yourself.

Alrighty, so it has happened. I am officially considered an empty-nester (unless you take into account three dogs). I said goodbye to my boy on Saturday morning. The old familiar ache tightened and twisted until breathing felt a little hard. The little rain cloud that has followed me since then has not been storming but drizzling. We still had a nice rest of the day, a bump in the road Saturday evening, a great game of golf with some wonderful people on Sunday and then dinner at a little Mexican stand the serves the best food ever. Going into the garage that no longer contains young person debris makes me a little sad too but there is a bright side. It was time....time for him to start a new life that doesn't have a mom watching over his shoulder. It was time for me to take a deep breath and say, "He can do this without your help and, for sure, without your input". My desire is for him to be happy and flourish but that is HIS job, not mine.  I will be grateful ...

On my calendar is the recurring post, "This is the day my life started over". Today is it. Two years ago today I began a journey of a lifetime. I would deny it to no one or, at least, no one with their eyes as tightly closed as mine.  When I mentioned the calendar post to my oldest she was silent. I knew.....the entry brings on conflicting emotions for both of us. My life did start over, with a struggle, anger, heartache, fear and so much hard-assed work....more work than I've ever done before. But as hard as I've worked to get to this point in my journey, it seems paltry compared to the work the Secret Keeper has to put in daily just to keep walking on this planet. I cannot change that but feel it's necessary to mention it as I cannot be grateful for where I am without recognizing the cost and it's implications on those around me. There is still far to go to real healing and serenity but I went through some fire and have come out on the other-side bette...

I'm taking my oldest to the airport today. She's off on a little adventure to PA to visit friends in her online community. I am so proud of this girl. I didn't teach my kids self-care. I didn't emulate it...didn't even really know what it implied but when our family unit fell apart, each of the us started a journey of trying to figure out what the words "self-care" meant. My oldest started life out not quite fitting in but found a few good friends that were solid and true. Unfortunately for her, my need for everything to be perfect didn't allow for the girl that considers herself a bit of a weirdo to feel free to be herself. I never got that but I do now and I fully embrace who she is. She is kind, loyal, thoughtful, loving, uptight, beautiful, artistic, quirky, anxious, inside her own head and just plain wonderful. She takes her role as a partner, daughter, sister and oldest sibling seriously and with great thought. I wish her the tools to let g...

Two years ago today, at 2:00 am, I made a nighttime journey to the bathroom. As I took care of business my husband’s charging phone lights up. Small bathroom, I could see what it was plain as day. He was sent a text. It was a picture of a lovely red head. The carpet didn't match the drapes as there was no "carpet". What happened after that was a pretty decent argument. Him downplaying that and all the other pictures that were being generously supplied by a gentlemen (I use that term loosely) in recovery. He said it was nothing. I said they were younger than our daughters. I asked who the hell he was because he was no longer anyone I knew. He showed a sadness and desperation but I did not understand YET. It got uglier. At 5 am, as I sat there on the bed perusing his phone for more answers to this crazy life we had,  he got a text a from "Joe the plumber" asking where he was and if he was coming. Who was Joe??? A good friend he's be meeting regularly fr...

If I had had the tools as a young person I would be two steps ahead in this game of living a vulnerable life. If I had things to do over again, it would be one of my main focuses in living day to day, weathering the setbacks in life and not building up walls to prevent feeling hurt and sorrow. By the time I reached 50, the brick wall I had built around me reached well past the top of my head.  I remember the day when my dad walked out the door, with me crying and begging him to stay. I'm pretty sure I had already got a good start on my mini fortress but that event raised the wall to a new level. There were many other events that added layers; normal everyday life events that I did not have the tools to deal with. The cruelness of teenage boys, the sudden life of poverty that was to be ours for a number of years after my father left and just the fact that I was just over sensitive.  I learned to endure by trying to control my universe. Little did I know that I was...

The ups and downs are a natural part of life but when a person is trying so hard to change directions, to tame the demons and stop the fear from ruling the day, the downs can sometimes seem insurmountable. Today is tougher than some and my heart aches a bit. My plan of attack is to do some 12 Step work, hand things over to my God, play some positive meditations on the computer as I work, focus on that which I am grateful for and breathe. That's it. How about you? What's your plan today?

What? Stop worrying and fretting about all the things going on around me?  I'll keep trying to have the faith in a great big God that has got matters in hand.

FORE!!! Today I am going to talk golf. I just passed the year mark from my first lesson but I have learned far more than just how to play golf.  Last week the Boy Scout and I went to one of our favorite courses and I found out that I simply had forgotten how to use the sticks packed in my bag. My trusty gap wedge and 8 iron had minds of their own and they were not interested in meeting the Titleist #4. Not much was working. Despite that fact and since we had had a bit of a problem the week before that required a PEP talk from the BS, I kept up pretty well. I stopped myself from being too negative and felt proud when we finished up.    Afterwards we stopped and had a nice dinner and beer (hahahaha, don't mind telling you that sounds so weird coming from me, but I'm still keeping an open mind) and a review of the day. He remembers each and every shot and always points out my good ones. My man loves this game. He shared it with his father first, then with special...

Who will I be when the last one walks out the door? Who am I now? How will I act when I am no longer responsible for anybody, when no one looks up to me for guidance or support? I love being a mom. I loved being a mom of young children and of teenagers and of young adults.  But as the last one packs, will I change? I think I will. I've never got a chance to live footloose and fancy free. I started working full time when I was 16, met my husband when I was 17 got married at 22 and started a family. At first, that was challenging yet so rewarding. When we got a grasp on things there was a lovely rhythm. And despite the fact that I failed in some ways, I was good, quite good, in others. I tried hard to be a good mom. Financially I was and am rock solid. I don't believe in debt and am not into taking risks. For the most part I'm conservative in my personal values but believe that the freedoms that many men and women died to protect mean that others should NOT have to l...