An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

When I look back to all that has happened in the last 5 to 10 years, I try to give myself a break when I falter, mistrust and fall short of my goals. It's not an easy thing to do because sitting before me, clear as day, I see that there is a better way to live, to behave, to respond. Frequently, however, even after much consideration and contemplation, the old reactions spew forth their ugliness. covering up, like a bandage, the feelings of out of control, vulnerability, hurt and perhaps stupidity. It is, somehow, so much easier to be angry than to cry and say "that hurts" or "I can't trust you" or "I feel stupid". Ohhhhh, I said it, didn't I? The dirty little "S" word. How many times in the past year did I ask, out-loud or to myself, "How stupid could I have been?"  I wouldn't even begin to try and count. Who else in the wide world  would not have known that the one person that was suppose to be closest to my heart w...

If it's not working for you, if it's not serving a higher purpose, if it's getting in the way of your happiness then STOP dammit.  Just stop. (note to self)

The anger and fear (or joy and happiness for that matter) I feel at any given moment are not me, they are a reaction to something happening in my life. My goal is to allow the anger and fear to flow over and then to let them go, almost like watching a scene on TV.  The scene happens and then it is gone...I do not become a part of that scene. Since fear has been the largest stumbling block on my journey to serenity, it is the one I must cope with most frequently. The idea is that the feeling, FEAR , starts to rise in my chest. I recognize it, perhaps analyze why it's there if it is not obvious, allow it for a moment and breath deep and let it go. Way easier said then done but I'm giving it my best shot. Permitting the fear to rule my life didn't work very well in the past (understatement of the century) and caused me to do many crazy things that will not be mentioned in this post since I have put enough of my crazy into past entries. I suppose everyone does this in th...

How to be assertive with your needs and desires? Uhmmmm, no idea. You tell me.

When struggling with an issue, big or small, it is so much easier to do so having the "Just for Today" attitude. I often struggle with control....needing everything to be alright. It mainly plays out with the people I am closest to. I don't need to rearrange someones flowers or flip a friends roll of toilet paper. But if I am willing to admit it, deep down, I want the behaviors of my people to be such that, when all is said and done, I am happy and content. How presumptuous of me to think that my comfort should be placed above someone else's right to make good or bad choices for themselves. When did this need to control start? I don't really know for sure but what I do know is that it is destructive. Aside from messing up any chance of serenity I may hope to possess, it also damages my relationships. When the bar is set too high, people will avoid, rebel or just plain hide behaviors that might come under the scrutiny of a hard to please person. So, I try th...

I've been neglecting my blog for awhile, but for interesting reason. The past couple of weeks the old ruler, King Fear, was large and in charge. Insidiously, he crept back in through cracks in my armor. Starting out small with doubts and questions, slowly taking over when bigger issues came to surface. I was busy in my program and working and loving but with an edginess.  I woke yesterday morning realizing I was not walking in faith and I was worrying about the future I have no control over and I was taking things personally.  A very bad combination. I had my morning talk with God that usually consists of being a whole lot of grateful and then I went to work. While there, I pulled out some great resources that help me to reconnect to the new me and started to put God back in charge. Worries of the future disappear and my higher power reminds me that when the people around me let me down or disappoint, it is not because I'm not enough.  It's not about me.  ...

I love to listen to AA speakers on YouTube.  It helps keep me on the straight line of working my Al-Anon program. Many a speaker lulls me to sleep at night but NEVER Chris R. who is clever and articulate but a bit of a screamer. Unfortunately, it is all so new that when something big comes up my first reaction is often that of the old me. Exploding, sarcasm, attacking and thinking in Black & White.....all old tools. Luckily, now-a-days, when the old tools are pulled out they are quickly replaced by new ones.  Love the feeling when I realize I don't need to win. That diplomacy means everyone is heard and nobody really "Wins" because winning implies that there must be a loser. I love the idea of allowing our loved ones dignity. Dignity to make their own choices in life without me trying to fix, soothe, cojole or simply boss the shit out of them (Guilty as charged!). Stepping back, making my own choices of what I can tolerate or what I no longer want to deal with in...

On the days that life is too much to handle, I remember that I have a great big God. So grateful to know on days like today.

I love this!!! It's time to be, not time to do. A worthy and lofty goal. Dear Stranger, You don’t know me but I hear you are going through a tough time, and I would like to help you. I want to be open and honest with you, and let you know that happiness isn’t something just afforded to a special few. It can be yours, if you take the time to let it grow. It’s OK to be stressed, scared and sad, I certainly have been throughout my 65 years. I’ve confronted my biggest fears time and time again. I’ve cheated death on many adventures, seen loved ones pass away, failed in business, minced my words in front of tough audiences, and had my heart broken. I know I’m fortunate to live an extraordinary life, and that most people would assume my business success, and the wealth that comes with it, have brought me happiness. But they haven’t; in fact it’s the reverse. I am successful, wealthy and connected because I am happy.  So many people get caught up in doing what they th...