Monday, August 31, 2015

Did You Say The "S" Word?

When I look back to all that has happened in the last 5 to 10 years, I try to give myself a break when I falter, mistrust and fall short of my goals. It's not an easy thing to do because sitting before me, clear as day, I see that there is a better way to live, to behave, to respond. Frequently, however, even after much consideration and contemplation, the old reactions spew forth their ugliness. covering up, like a bandage, the feelings of out of control, vulnerability, hurt and perhaps stupidity. It is, somehow, so much easier to be angry than to cry and say "that hurts" or "I can't trust you" or "I feel stupid".

Ohhhhh, I said it, didn't I? The dirty little "S" word. How many times in the past year did I ask, out-loud or to myself, "How stupid could I have been?"  I wouldn't even begin to try and count. Who else in the wide world  would not have known that the one person that was suppose to be closest to my heart was a meth addict and a chronic cheater. I know, of course, that I wasn't stupid (thank you Jamie Daniels), I was trusting, which was what every woman desires to feel with their partner.

The idea, that by being vulnerable and open, I may end up making similar or dissimilar, but every bit as big, mistakes looms quietly in the back of my brain.

So early in the process of learning to be whole and lovingly detached, the reactions still come all too often. I will continue to learn to lean on my Loving God, my Al-Anon tools and the desire to have some inner peace to make the needed changes. Failed today, tomorrow is a brand new day.

Today, I wish you inner peace and the ability to be kind to others, especially the difficult people in your life.

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