An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Sometimes the tools I have acquired are just inadequate for the job at hand. Take it God....I'm at a loss. 

Today is my 1st Al-Anon Birthday. I am so happy about this day.  This is way more of a reason to celebrate than my 52nd birthday coming up soon.  This day I am celebrating a brand new me, a more loving, more positive, happier, more content and much more grateful person than the lady I once was. My higher power showed me a new way to live life and, God willing, I will live a grateful life for the rest of my days. Yesterday I did a 1st step workshop with a small group of loving ladies. A reminder that no matter what, my God is in control and that each time I despair, I am attempting to take control back from Him. We laughed and cried and talked about the things in our personalities that get in the way of joy. FEAR is a biggie. When breaking down a negative reaction to many situations, more often than not, fear is the biggest factor for the response. Fear of being disliked or not accepted. fear of not being loved enough, fear of failure or looking stupid....you name it.....th...

The year anniversary came and went and I didn't even think to blog about it. That fact alone is a testament to God's grace and benevolence. I had a few teary moments and some sorrow but overall the day was just like every other day. Any tears shed were for what my kids had to go through and how much I wish that the father they used to have still existed. He was an amazing dad and I remember feeling so blessed by his devoted attention to his job as a loving father. Being in the dental industry, whenever he was home in time for bedtime, he would lay each of them on the living-room floor and gently and thoroughly brush their little baby teeth. Even a little older than that....they seem to enjoy the time and would lay willingly and patiently. I remember the warm summer weekends where my Secret Keeper would shove branches in his hat, put mud on his face and play war with our kids and any other neighborhood kids who would like to join in. Him against the neighborhood. Fortunately...

Don't Take Anything Personally is one the the Four Agreements, a book I have grown to love. So important to do, especially for us Al-Anons who often think that if our alcoholic or addict loved us enough they would stop their destructive behavior. I love the idea that the actions of the people we care about have nothing to do with us.  It frees us up from the crazy emotions and allows us to step back and decide where we will place our boundaries. Is that behavior in line with the way I want to live life? Are changes necessary in order to be peaceful and content? Detaching from the behavior is a gift from the program. Knowing that we will be OK no matter what we decide is also an incredible gift. Talking the Al-Anon talk is so much easier than walking it. Daily struggles send us back to the old way of doing things. Keep working your way back.

Seeing a person I've known for decades for the first time in years was interesting. We caught up with kids and jobs and it was light and easy, until it wasn't. She, of course, eventually asked if that husband of mine was behaving. I sat silent for an awkward moment and then said with a forced half smile, "We are no longer together". Another awkward moment of silence and her looking dumbstruck. Poor thing....I felt sorry that I didn't handle that better. Of course she was shocked. We were that couple that people were envious of. We were friends and partners, etc. All that they saw was the outside, with masks in place whether conscious or subconscious. Back into my car......this stupid old car must be so tired of hearing my sobs.  I can live without the Secret Keeper in my life, I know that now. But there is still that feeling of failure the lingers. I still feel I failed and it pisses me off. The beauty of it is that this has not ruined my day.  11:00 w...

The beauty of the Al-Anon program for the died-in-the-wool Al-Anon is the ability to relinquish the need for perfection. Little by little, it ebbs away, the nagging feelings of anxiety when something doesn't fit the mold. I'm loving this process in my new relationship. I'm not sure where this will end up. I know how I would like it to go but that is not for me to decide (not for me to force it to fit my desires). This relationship will happen organically, without my pushing and prodding. Falling back into my old habits at times, quick corrections are made without feeling guilty or beating myself up (MAJOR VICTORY). A great gift of the program is the knowledge that actions are what matters, not words. People can talk till they are blue in the face but it's the actions that matter. I want my actions to reflect the knowledge I have gained in the program, so I try to stop myself from digging. Finding the balance between the excavation of the past and just getting to know ...

My friend is hurting today. She is keeping me at bay right now, which I understand because that is exactly how I handle difficult situations. First fret, then do a lot of thinking, then in desperation call in the troops to help with love and comfort or possible solutions. Inept is the feeling of the moment, at a loss for a way to help her so flowers will be sent and the waiting game played until she can open up. Lifting her up to my higher power right now...which should have done immediately but was neglected. Loving the fact that because of the past few difficult years I am a much better friend then I once was. Situations are thought through much more carefully, considering all sides. I have more empathy for all parties, realizing that sometimes a nasty person is doing the best with what they have been given. I ALMOST never say what I think someone wants to hear; occasionally falling back to my old ways but quickly correcting if at all possible. And finally, sharing tools like ...