Being Real

The beauty of the Al-Anon program for the died-in-the-wool Al-Anon is the ability to relinquish the need for perfection. Little by little, it ebbs away, the nagging feelings of anxiety when something doesn't fit the mold.

I'm loving this process in my new relationship. I'm not sure where this will end up. I know how I would like it to go but that is not for me to decide (not for me to force it to fit my desires). This relationship will happen organically, without my pushing and prodding. Falling back into my old habits at times, quick corrections are made without feeling guilty or beating myself up (MAJOR VICTORY). A great gift of the program is the knowledge that actions are what matters, not words. People can talk till they are blue in the face but it's the actions that matter. I want my actions to reflect the knowledge I have gained in the program, so I try to stop myself from digging. Finding the balance between the excavation of the past and just getting to know each other at a deeper level can be confusing. Boundaries of what is and is not my right to know start to blur. I have noticed that here and there my character defect of fear has reared it's ugly head, making me question my response to certain issues.

Keeping up the work, reading daily for reminders of what sane looks like. Knowing who I am and what I am worth and worthy of is a direct result of that work too.

I love this new life, knowing that I'm ok no matter what. What a gift....what a blessing.


Comments

Post a Comment

What do you have to say about that?

Popular posts from this blog

A Journey To Home

Image
My tender hearted girl decided she wanted to foster an old lady. Selkie is 14, is nearly deaf and nearly blind, has a hard time walking and uses her bark to get her needs met.  She got her home, took her for a bath and then basically loved this old girl for three weeks until the property manager decided that it wasn’t a good match (barking too much AND because she is a pit bull).  My girl knew it was probably temporary but she gave that dog a comfortable loving home, away from the chaos of the shelter, for a short time.  Ideally, she would have walked her home but that’s not how it worked this time.  Last night she stood and ugly cried on a strangers shoulder after giving her back.  I love that girl and her sweet heart.  I wish Selkie a new final home full of love. 
Read more

Private Eye

Image
We pass by the house frequently since it sits on a busy thoroughfare. We know to look every time we pass and guess what will we see. Will it be the two Dalmatians, sitting on the couch that backs up to the giant panel window, waiting for their human to come home? Or will it be their human, sitting slightly to the right of middle (allowing for a better view of the giant mounted tv across the room) of the said couch. They are never there at the same time. It’s one or the other. One sleepless night, when my body was willing but my brain was not, I did a little sleuthing. It’s amazing what you can find out about a complete stranger.   His name is Gary and, from what I can tell, he’s never been married. He has worked his way up in a air duct company. He’s now the senior VP but it’s a small company and he still goes out on jobs, judging from  the reviews on Yelp. I know he has two siblings and that their father passed away in 2018. His memorial was held in a Buddhist temple and Gary...
Read more

Go!

Image
 Vai. E, se der medo, vai con medo mesmo. When one is raised in an angry family, it’s not enough to say I don’t want to be angry. You must learn how to do it differently. That’s no easy task. If judgment and self hatred became a way of life, a new way to live has to be taught. There are many ways to do it. Reading, writing, sharing, practicing all help the change. Counseling, psychoanalysis, religion, meditation, gratitude, have the ability to transform but I needed to see it in action, it needed to be more tangible, visual, accessible. I needed to understand the possibilities. There is a YouTube channel that I watch over and over again in order to absorb how to live more fully, more open and from the heart. One of the first episodes that I stumbled on is this…. The channel is Reflections of Life and through it we get to meet people who are doing life a little differently, often more soul based. People who are living life, healing wounds and finding what is truly important.  I...
Read more