An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Life had been crazy for awhile but when it happens slowly, you don't realize how much crazier it is than the average crazy. Our family started down the out of control crazy path many years ago. Who knew? We were the frog in the proverbial frying pan, slowly heating up. Guess what? I jumped out. It took a lot, but I did it. Can I go back? Back to when we were wonderful life partners. I read an excerpt from a lovely letter written by Richard Feynman to his dead wife. He wrote, "but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together — or learn Chinese — or getting a movie projector. Can’t I do something now? No. I am alone without you."   I can so relate to these thoughts. My Secret Keeper and I had much in common. Now there is nobody ...

Well, it's done. My first Christmas without my Secret Keeper. I did pretty good and continue to find my gratefulness. I am so very thankful.  Any sadness I felt was minor compared to the gratitude and, overall, very bearable. The kids and I made breakfast Christmas morning and planned a picnic lunch. We took the dog and played a game at the park while eating yummy food. Together, we compiled bags for the homeless that we can carry in our car and restock as we pass them out. Afterwards, we sat in the living room and first went around and told the group what we liked about ourselves. Then we proceeded to tell each person what we admired about them. It was uplifting and so very positive. Each of my young adults put a lot of thought into their words and they honored me with their input on my character. I am so proud of my 4 kids for how they have handled the situation with their father. Each managed it in a way that was right for them and honorable to the world. Each has found a wa...

This morning, all I can say is "Thank you." I am so grateful to be done with the oppressive funk of the last 3 days. That voice constantly reminding me of my solitary walk.  Frustration when the car broke down and I was stuck for hours in this horrible little, freezing cold, garage waiting room. My brain kept saying, "Sucks you're alone." Truth be told, there were a few people I could have called, but not without inconveniencing someone else. And being in the middle of a Pity Party often precludes the capacity to reach out. The ability to be able to just say to a partner, "I'll take your car and drop you back off at work so I can continue with my day," cannot be undervalued.  All those little favors that I could ask my Secret Keeper without feeling like I was messing up someones plans. Additionally, I hate dealing with mechanics because I know they could say ABSOLUTELY anything and I would be at their mercy. I truly don't give a rats ass abou...

One of the many things that was instrumental in starting the change in the way I think of myself as a victim of circumstance was to watch a TedxBoston video called Sharer of Joy: Nataly Kogan. She was the one who made me realize that despite whatever was going on around me, I could still make a choice to be happy. After watching the video, I quickly downloaded the Happier App that she and her Happier people created. I began to experience a new kind of social media. Slowly building on-line relationships with people from every walk of life and all over the world, who were consciously choosing happiness despite problems with love, health, children, etc. It's a world where I spend 10 minutes each day catching up, encouraging and getting encouragement. The shift in my thinking has been gradual and started before my Secret Keeper had his mental and physical meltdown. I believe that this shift made a sad transition in my life much more bearable. It helped me realize that my world had no...

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ―  M. Scott Peck W hy did I not know this before turning 50? How could I have missed such an important lesson? It seems that I might have lived my life completely different if I had been more aware. I certainly would have given my children different advice during those hard times when life seemed to knock them down. I would not have tried to soften the blow so much, knowing that each event would grow them to another level. Now, I will try hard to be their example. I will attempt to go into each uncomfortable situation with the idea that I have something to learn from it. I wonder if this is the reason why we have such a large percentage of our population on depression medication...

I have great hope for the future. My secret keeper is working to hold onto his mental health. That is helpful to me. Does it mean I want him back. NO. It means my life runs a little easier with less detours to crazytown. But I have gained new strategies and they seem to be working. Between NAMI and Al-Anon, I have set up healthier boundaries. Any talk of harming himself now and I stop the conversation. I hang up. I will not carry that burden for it is not my burden to carry. What I will do is lift that man up in prayer. I will encourage him with my words whenever applicable. I will pray for him a new connection to this world with friendships and fatherhood that he obviously lost a very long time ago. I will pray for him a deep connection to his God, who loves him far more than he can fathom. My future has taken a big detour from where it was headed. I mentioned to my daughter yesterday that I am not sure that I cared for my kids enough as we made our way through this crises. I b...

A few days have passed since I last blogged.  I would love to think that's because I am busy living life and healing and being positive.  I was busy trying. Bringing out Xmas boxes, while necessary, was hard. As was attempting to string hundreds of light strands in the yard alone.  Well not completely alone. I had a little help but her lack of opposable thumbs was much less a hindrance than the unexpected and much needed rain that lightly misted me for awhile. Eventually the rain decided it was serious; at which time, all of us (moist boxes, two cats, one dog and a frizzy haired woman) made a mad dash for cover. Escaping from the turmoil in my head, the car and I headed over to a "Meetup" that was suppose to be a movie and dinner with 14 strangers. My car and I sat in the parking lot and waffled back and forth. Finally the car won and drove away with me in it. NO movie and NO dinner. That's OK. It's not a failure....it's just life right now and it ...