Life had been crazy for awhile but when it happens slowly, you don't realize how much crazier it is than the average crazy.
Our family started down the out of control crazy path many years ago. Who knew? We were the frog in the proverbial frying pan, slowly heating up. Guess what? I jumped out. It took a lot, but I did it.
Can I go back? Back to when we were wonderful life partners. I read an excerpt from a lovely letter written by Richard Feynman to his dead wife. He wrote, "but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together — or learn Chinese — or getting a movie projector. Can’t I do something now? No. I am alone without you." I can so relate to these thoughts. My Secret Keeper and I had much in common. Now there is nobody that wants to spend 5 hours in the garden with me in companionable quiet or drive around and look at Christmas lights or watch a foreign film, a last minute walk at the beach or talk about our daily struggles. That's not entirely true but there isn't the one special person. I must adapt and learn to share things with those who love me. That's a tough one but I am learning.
At times I feel so ridiculous. Many people live without a partner. Some happily or contentedly and some resentfully and lonely. It's my choice which one I pick. It's my choice how I choose to share my joys and sorrows with the ones I love and love me. I will still give myself time to grieve but I will keep a check on it to make sure that it is not developing into resentments that cut me off from JOY.
Doing my 4th step in Al-Anon. I'll let you know how it goes.
Meanwhile, kindness helps me reach out to others and keep the walls from building.