Does it mean I want him back. NO. It means my life runs a little easier with less detours to crazytown. But I have gained new strategies and they seem to be working. Between NAMI and Al-Anon, I have set up healthier boundaries. Any talk of harming himself now and I stop the conversation. I hang up. I will not carry that burden for it is not my burden to carry. What I will do is lift that man up in prayer. I will encourage him with my words whenever applicable. I will pray for him a new connection to this world with friendships and fatherhood that he obviously lost a very long time ago. I will pray for him a deep connection to his God, who loves him far more than he can fathom.
My future has taken a big detour from where it was headed. I mentioned to my daughter yesterday that I am not sure that I cared for my kids enough as we made our way through this crises. I believe I was too self centered; angry, damaged and distraught. But then I realized that I actually did the very best I could at the time and that I did care for them by ensuring that I did not come out of this whole thing a crazy, angry bitch. Being vindictive and ugly would not have helped them one iota. The peace g
ained in this process has been immeasurable. It has allowed me connections with others in a deeper more meaningful way. It has taught me acceptance and tolerance and patience and unconditional love that I didn't know existed in this heart of mine. It has allowed my to love them for EXACTLY who they are. Mindboggling!
I am grateful and I am learning. And in the process I am trying to be kind.