An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

My silly dog and I walk at the beach nearly every morning. It's a unique group of people we see. It's 6:30 am and the hard-core surfers that range in age from 10 to 80, the young men, the unemployed, the businessmen catching a wave before going to work, the hippies; they are all here enjoying their passion. There's also the observers.  The remainders are the runners, the bikers, walkers, the lovers, the homeless and, lastly, the addicts. There's one gent that I've been watching for months. He's a nice-looking Hispanic guy, probably around 40, and looking way too healthy to be an addict. So I watch and I see what he's doing. He selling. He selling to kids, skaters, surfers, women an d men. It doesn't matter, he's an equal opportunity supplier. I don't know whether to hate him or pity him. Mostly I think it's pity but I can't help but wonder; does he carry a little of everything? Do you approach him like a supermarket? Or does he spe...

I am trying to learn peace and happiness in the quiet moments. Staying very busy has been the go to band aid for this broken heart. The quiet, empty house closes in on me, like a separate conscious whispering echos of those good memories that now cause pain and then blasting horrible moments that spike anger and resentment and, dare I say, guilt and shame. Last week, I hit 4 Al-Anon meetings and 2 Nar-Anon. Determined to find my place in the world, I tenaciously seek out my new comfort zone. It's easier than doing the work that I know, ultimately, I must do. Additionally, loneliness has its hold on me....so in those meetings that pain is soothed a day or an hour or until I walk out the door. It just depends. Sunday was hard and I was fighting it tooth and nail. I sat in another parking lot crying and then finally pulled out some those valuable learned lessons and remembered that I was choosing my focus. Slowly, I refocused on gratitude and getting through just this moment  with...

I'm trapped! I made the mistake of asking my husband what would be the best way to handle receiving the divorce papers. In other words, make arrangments to be with a trusted friend to be accountable and have a listening ear. Instead, he went into a manic phase and left his sober living house. Deciding he no longer has anything to live for, he drives a few hours north and checks into a hotel with the intent to harm himself. But before he does this, he stops by our home and leaves a "goodbye" note with mini peanut butter cups and says he'll call later. I call him and calmly talked to him and finally he comes back to town. He will be lucky if the sober living house lets him stay.  Then what?  My kids father on the streets? A mentally ill person who needs daily meds to live, let alone to stay sane, with no where to go.  I feel anxious and sad and maniputlated and trapped. I am working hard at giving this guy to my higher power but he holds on so damn tight tha...

Last few days have been a bit hard. Why does mental illness work against itself in almost all situations? I wish I knew. What I do know is that the people that care for someone with mental illness can see so clearly what needs to be done to help the situation. Meanwhile, the sick person continues on a road of self abuse, self destruction and craziness and, for some reason, tries to drag everyone they love down with them. My stomach is churning and I am trying so hard to practice gratitude right now. It's coming slowly but not easily. Worrying about the future is not something I should be doing. I'm grabbing tomorrow back from my Higher Power and saying, "I got this dude....step aside while I figure things out." Meanwhile, my person, who I love, is in a tremendous amount of pain but still manipulating. Trying for a delicate balance of: I care for you, how can I help or Stop texting me that shit or I will block your damn number Sometimes, or often, I feel l...

I realized today that I'm pretty happy. How easy it would have been to be the angriest person around. How simple it would have been to step back into that victim role that I wore for such a long time. Be that woman, set out to destroy the one who has hurt me and drag my poor children along the way. No wonder I had trouble making and keeping friends all these years. Completely unaware that I was a victim but there I was, feeling sorry for myself, focusing on problems in my path instead of the blessings.  When did that all start? I'm not exactly sure but I think it was very young. I remember being hyper sensitive and getting hurt by small things people said or did. Still now, little incidents from age 2 or 4 sting just a little. How odd that seems. Then, in my teens, when my life felt so out of control. That's when the real craziness started but once again I was clueless. In fact, I thought I was being strong. I got that chip on my shoulder, nobody was going t...

Another weekend has passed. Kept as busy as I possibly could. Had a nice conversation with my secret keeper and made me feel hopeful. Hopeful for him, for his health, for my kids and perhaps for a friendship that's bonded with memories of what once was and with our sweet kids that love us both. I've been slowly letting go of the old dreams and expectations. From the time I was quite young I envisioned myself in one of the long lasting marriages, with a strong friendship, where we celebrate holidays with our kids, their significant others and tons of grand kids. Joyously watching the next generation basking in the love of their doting grandparents. Over indulging on Christmas morning because we could actually afford it.  These dreams are to be replaced with living for the moment....what will come will come. I was able to choose happiness a bunch this weekend and I am proud that I can honestly say that God has softened my heart in a way I never thought this angry...

I was reading something about never being able to find peace as long as one harbors resentments. Sometimes I feel like I have that under control and then, suddenly, I'll feel consumed by them. Tonight I was dealing with text messages designed to manipulate and get a reaction. Well, he got that for sure. Resentment on steroids! The advice was to lift up your resented person in prayer. Makes sense, so here goes: Lord, heal his mind and give him peace. Heal his body and let him know that you are near. Allow him to realize his needs and give him comfort in his loss. Lead him Lord, because he is unable to do so himself. Surround him with people who love You and truly care for his recovery Amen and amen. 

Today I had to get a plumber. Things have been slowly falling apart in my house over the last 4 months. Its an old house with a lot of issues but it's mine and I love it. I had some electrical and plumbing problems, garage door stopped working and pestilence running amok in the garden. These were all things that I really didn't have to think about before, but now, fit squarely in my lap (often being ignored as I plunge my fingers in my ears saying, "NA NA NA NA"). Finally, I called a plumber and he came out and did his job. Afterwards, we talked and I looked him in the eyes and I thought: Are you an honest man? Do you keep secrets? Do you cheat on your wife and tell her you love her? Are you using something "extra" to get you through your day? I find myself doing this with many men I encounter. Looking into the windows of their souls, wondering; are you living a life full of secrets? I hope not for your sake and for the sake of all those who love yo...

Today is a grateful day. I know, I know!  Everyday should be grateful day but that is just not how it works. So, instead of feeling down on myself for the bad days, I will CELEBRATE the grateful days to the hilt. I woke with a prayer and contentment. I will attempt to hold this feeling throughout my Wednesday. Wednesdays are wonderful because my girls and I are taking the NAMI Family to Family course. The three of us eat dinner together beforehand and then head off to learn, to laugh, to cry with a group of people that you wish you never had to meet but there you are, grouped together with one commonality....a mentally ill loved one. The pain in that room is palpable at times, but there is hope too. I think of a few special people that have lived with this thing for a long time and still have joy. The joy they have is a choice they've made despite the obstacles life has thrown at them. I also consider a few of the group that are angry. Not that they don't have the right to be...

The first sign that the holidays are going to be harder than I thought came today. My sweet girl ruefully asked if we could get the fall boxes out of the attic. Already having missed Halloween, I agreed. Digging those boxes out had never my job, my "secret keeper" routinely did this task without even being asked. Except for the last few years, he always seemed to love the holidays more than me. Venturing into his garage, awkwardly pulling out his very tall ladder, I made my way up. Boxes arranged yearly by him, I had scarcely an idea where to look. Moving a few boxes here and there, noticing that each one bares his horrible penmanship, I lost heart and a deep ache started somewhere in my stomach and it grew, squeezing my breath. Truthfully, I feel so selfish. I want things to feel as normal as possible. Nothing is normal, dreams are gone, promises are broken and I'm a bit consumed with my loneliness. I miss the feeling of someone lovingly touching skin. I miss sharin...