No Prayers Today-Maybe Tomorrow

I'm trapped!

I made the mistake of asking my husband what would be the best way to handle receiving the divorce papers. In other words, make arrangments to be with a trusted friend to be accountable and have a listening ear. Instead, he went into a manic phase and left his sober living house. Deciding he no longer has anything to live for, he drives a few hours north and checks into a hotel with the intent to harm himself. But before he does this, he stops by our home and leaves a "goodbye" note with mini peanut butter cups and says he'll call later.

I call him and calmly talked to him and finally he comes back to town. He will be lucky if the sober living house lets him stay.  Then what?  My kids father on the streets? A mentally ill person who needs daily meds to live, let alone to stay sane, with no where to go. 

I feel anxious and sad and maniputlated and trapped. I am working hard at giving this guy to my higher power but he holds on so damn tight that I think I will go nuts. Backing me into a corner where I hold his life in my hands.

After 15 years of cheating, drug abuse, lying and manipulation. What do I want?  OUT!

Trying to pull out my Al-Anon tools right now but, honestly, they allude me for the moment.

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, 
 and not tackle my whole life problem 
 at once. I can do something for twelve hours 

 that would appall me if I felt that I had to 

 keep it up for a lifetime. 



I'll keep trying, just for today. 

Comments

  1. Grace-WorkinProgressNovember 23, 2014 at 7:44 AM

    Thanks for your comments on my blog. I remember the chaos when my husband was drinking and cheating and lying even after we split. I was drawn in to the mess over and over my need to rescue and help him because that is what felt natural. It was who I was the calm in the storm. I got a lot of playing that part. Separating myself from his emotions was hard when you have lived with someone so long you feed off of each other. This is why the program says the people closest to you or them cannot help. We need objective help our thoughts are clouded. Take heart it does easier as you better.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ToniAugust 3, 2017 at 10:32 AM

    As hard as it is, you have only your children and you to take care of. Suicide notes and mini peanut butter cups sounds like has a PhD in Master Manipulation.

    He is a big boy, let him make his own choices and his own consequences. Why do we women feel so much guilt for setting up healthy boundaries and then holding to them?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dAugust 3, 2017 at 10:41 AM

      I've learned much since that day. Life has improved tremendously but it's good to go back and see where you once were.

      Delete

Post a Comment

What do you have to say about that?

Popular posts from this blog

A Journey To Home

Image
My tender hearted girl decided she wanted to foster an old lady. Selkie is 14, is nearly deaf and nearly blind, has a hard time walking and uses her bark to get her needs met.  She got her home, took her for a bath and then basically loved this old girl for three weeks until the property manager decided that it wasn’t a good match (barking too much AND because she is a pit bull).  My girl knew it was probably temporary but she gave that dog a comfortable loving home, away from the chaos of the shelter, for a short time.  Ideally, she would have walked her home but that’s not how it worked this time.  Last night she stood and ugly cried on a strangers shoulder after giving her back.  I love that girl and her sweet heart.  I wish Selkie a new final home full of love. 
Read more

Private Eye

Image
We pass by the house frequently since it sits on a busy thoroughfare. We know to look every time we pass and guess what will we see. Will it be the two Dalmatians, sitting on the couch that backs up to the giant panel window, waiting for their human to come home? Or will it be their human, sitting slightly to the right of middle (allowing for a better view of the giant mounted tv across the room) of the said couch. They are never there at the same time. It’s one or the other. One sleepless night, when my body was willing but my brain was not, I did a little sleuthing. It’s amazing what you can find out about a complete stranger.   His name is Gary and, from what I can tell, he’s never been married. He has worked his way up in a air duct company. He’s now the senior VP but it’s a small company and he still goes out on jobs, judging from  the reviews on Yelp. I know he has two siblings and that their father passed away in 2018. His memorial was held in a Buddhist temple and Gary...
Read more

Go!

Image
 Vai. E, se der medo, vai con medo mesmo. When one is raised in an angry family, it’s not enough to say I don’t want to be angry. You must learn how to do it differently. That’s no easy task. If judgment and self hatred became a way of life, a new way to live has to be taught. There are many ways to do it. Reading, writing, sharing, practicing all help the change. Counseling, psychoanalysis, religion, meditation, gratitude, have the ability to transform but I needed to see it in action, it needed to be more tangible, visual, accessible. I needed to understand the possibilities. There is a YouTube channel that I watch over and over again in order to absorb how to live more fully, more open and from the heart. One of the first episodes that I stumbled on is this…. The channel is Reflections of Life and through it we get to meet people who are doing life a little differently, often more soul based. People who are living life, healing wounds and finding what is truly important.  I...
Read more