Friday, November 21, 2014

No Prayers Today-Maybe Tomorrow

I'm trapped!

I made the mistake of asking my husband what would be the best way to handle receiving the divorce papers. In other words, make arrangments to be with a trusted friend to be accountable and have a listening ear. Instead, he went into a manic phase and left his sober living house. Deciding he no longer has anything to live for, he drives a few hours north and checks into a hotel with the intent to harm himself. But before he does this, he stops by our home and leaves a "goodbye" note with mini peanut butter cups and says he'll call later.

I call him and calmly talked to him and finally he comes back to town. He will be lucky if the sober living house lets him stay.  Then what?  My kids father on the streets? A mentally ill person who needs daily meds to live, let alone to stay sane, with no where to go. 

I feel anxious and sad and maniputlated and trapped. I am working hard at giving this guy to my higher power but he holds on so damn tight that I think I will go nuts. Backing me into a corner where I hold his life in my hands.

After 15 years of cheating, drug abuse, lying and manipulation. What do I want?  OUT!

Trying to pull out my Al-Anon tools right now but, honestly, they allude me for the moment.

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, 
 and not tackle my whole life problem 


 at once. I can do something for twelve hours 

 that would appall me if I felt that I had to 

 keep it up for a lifetime. 



I'll keep trying, just for today. 

3 comments:

  1. Thanks for your comments on my blog. I remember the chaos when my husband was drinking and cheating and lying even after we split. I was drawn in to the mess over and over my need to rescue and help him because that is what felt natural. It was who I was the calm in the storm. I got a lot of playing that part. Separating myself from his emotions was hard when you have lived with someone so long you feed off of each other. This is why the program says the people closest to you or them cannot help. We need objective help our thoughts are clouded. Take heart it does easier as you better.

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  2. As hard as it is, you have only your children and you to take care of. Suicide notes and mini peanut butter cups sounds like has a PhD in Master Manipulation.

    He is a big boy, let him make his own choices and his own consequences. Why do we women feel so much guilt for setting up healthy boundaries and then holding to them?

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    Replies
    1. I've learned much since that day. Life has improved tremendously but it's good to go back and see where you once were.

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