I made the mistake of asking my husband what would be the best way to handle receiving the divorce papers. In other words, make arrangments to be with a trusted friend to be accountable and have a listening ear. Instead, he went into a manic phase and left his sober living house. Deciding he no longer has anything to live for, he drives a few hours north and checks into a hotel with the intent to harm himself. But before he does this, he stops by our home and leaves a "goodbye" note with mini peanut butter cups and says he'll call later.
I call him and calmly talked to him and finally he comes back to town. He will be lucky if the sober living house lets him stay. Then what? My kids father on the streets? A mentally ill person who needs daily meds to live, let alone to stay sane, with no where to go.
I feel anxious and sad and maniputlated and trapped. I am working hard at giving this guy to my higher power but he holds on so damn tight that I think I will go nuts. Backing me into a corner where I hold his life in my hands.
After 15 years of cheating, drug abuse, lying and manipulation. What do I want? OUT!
Trying to pull out my Al-Anon tools right now but, honestly, they allude me for the moment.
Just for today, I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle my whole life problem
at once. I can do something for twelve hours
that would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.
I'll keep trying, just for today.