Monday, November 24, 2014

An Adjustment of Focus - Prayer

I am trying to learn peace and happiness in the quiet moments.

Staying very busy has been the go to band aid for this broken heart. The quiet, empty house closes in on me, like a separate conscious whispering echos of those good memories that now cause pain and then blasting horrible moments that spike anger and resentment and, dare I say, guilt and shame.

Last week, I hit 4 Al-Anon meetings and 2 Nar-Anon. Determined to find my place in the world, I tenaciously seek out my new comfort zone. It's easier than doing the work that I know, ultimately, I must do. Additionally, loneliness has its hold on me....so in those meetings that pain is soothed a day or an hour or until I walk out the door. It just depends. Sunday was hard and I was fighting it tooth and nail. I sat in another parking lot crying and then finally pulled out some those valuable learned lessons and remembered that I was choosing my focus. Slowly, I refocused on gratitude and getting through just this moment  without thinking of next week or next year. I thanked God for my family who love me so unconditionally. I thanked God for a new awareness that is allowing me to grow and become a better person with more empathy and understanding and love to give. I pray for the words to pray, because when one is in pain the prayer becomes twisted and selfish. Afterwards, I went home and started making Christmas necklaces that my wonderful and dear auntie taught me to make. I thought how grateful I am that I still have my mom's sister to talk to. She's an amazing person who has walked through life a very happy person despite some personal tragedies. She has also set such a good example of someone who has healthly boundaries in her life. Healthly boundaries allow one to say no without getting angry. I need embrace healthy boundaries!

My sweet sister has promised me that I will get accustom to being alone and that, eventually, it will fit comfortably. I am holding onto that promise.

Meanwhile, spread kindness in the most unsuspecting places♥

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