An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I now understand that the confluence of emotions I have been feeling the last 10 weeks are completely normal. What a relief. Feeling pity and anger, hopeful and devastated from moment to moment left me bewildered. Having my children look at me quizzically when I repeatedly contradict myself. Knowing the right thing one moment and being ruled by emotion the next. The following paragraphs were very helpful to me. Betrayal is an interpersonal trauma which shatters assumptions about how we view life and the people close to us. Shattered assumptions leave us feeling as though our reality has been blown apart. When we are betrayed our feelings alternate between a sense of numbness and feelings of disbelief. We feel victimized and our lives seem to be out of control. As you try to unscramble what has happened to you, both your thoughts and actions may spin out of control. You’re likely to become more obsessive, dwelling on your partner’s lies, the details of the betrayal and the even...

Today I just want to say, "Fuck it all."  I'm feeling thinned skinned and lonely and angry. The thing is, I can say it and that's OK.  Tomorrow will be a better day, but I will embrace these feelings now, let them sink in and sit for awhile.  Afterwards, I'll dig deep for my Grateful. I will reach for encouragement and read for distraction. But today, mental illness is the shits, cheating spouses suck, old friends who think you should be doing better than you are can go soak their heads, family that .......  oh whatever.  I'm going to bed. Tomorrow will be better.

I have a tremendous sense of survival and self protection. I'm that person that plays it safe and follows the rules; rules of society and the rules that are in my head. Being a child of an alcoholic, in my distant past I decided that nothing good comes from drinking. I've never been drunk (although honestly it sounded pretty good in the last two years). I don't smoke, excercise fairly regularly, gave up a life long Pepsi habit, get my fiber and daily veggies, avoid public toilets...blah blah blah.   Pretty boring girl, I know.  I recognize now that loving life and being in love with life are different.  I spent much of my time trying to make sure that everything was OK (which it wasn't) and trying to control the outcome of each bump in the road that presented itself, living in survival mode.  I feared the outcome, I feared what I would be left with.    Al-non has taught me that I have no control over any person but myself.  Trying to do so wa...

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds   on  the heel that has crushed it.”  ―  Mark Twain They say that people whose  marriages crumble feel many of the same things that widows and widowers feel. • They feel abandoned by their mate. • They feel alone in their grief. • They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this. • They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore. • They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred. • They feel terrified of the future. • They feel they should be doing better than they are. Lord, this could not be more true for me.  Although it was me that asked my husband to not return home, it was him that abandoned the family to his addictions of various kinds. The feelings of loneliness are overwhelming. Each of those statements applies to me at any given ti...

Monday Morning There are two ways to live your life-- one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is though everything is a miracle. ~A. Einstein Ahhhh, the weekend is over! I made it through another one.  Not without some huge bumps but that is to be expected.   Riverbed clean-up on Saturday with one of my favorite people was great. Accomplished much and experienced shock and empathy for families that become displaced and end up moving all their belongings, their treasures, to a place that no one should have to live.  Tired and dirty, my daughter and I parted ways.  Her to have lunch with her dad and me to figure out how to fill the next few hours of the day. I should have gone to an Al-Anon meeting but opted for a movie.  A Trip to Italy was moderately amusing but lovely to look at.  Unfortunately, the theater kept whispering to me....."You are alone, you are alone."  Silly really, I've been going to movies alone for...

I've decided that weekends are too long. How does one adjust from being a wife of 29 years to being alone? Slowly and compassionately I guess. Slowly, because it is hard to fill so many hours that once belonged to a married couple. Waking, planning and falling asleep alone. Movies, shopping, travel and beach clean-ups were once done with my partner.....now I'm looking for others to fill that spot or go alone or maybe try to go but then just sit in my car feeling anxious, eating a meal alone and then returning home. Work is a balm....time spent not thinking, just doing. Compassionately, because these feelings are okay, right?  I'm allowed to take this time to mourn what I have lost, grieve the hole my heart, adjust my dreams and try to move forward. Having a good cry when Carly Simon sings Coming Around Again and I go back in time when 4 or 5 of us danced around the house together, singing at the top of our voices, so happy.... and then I tell myself, "Th...