I now understand that the confluence of emotions I have been feeling the last 10 weeks are completely normal. What a relief. Feeling pity and anger, hopeful and devastated from moment to moment left me bewildered. Having my children look at me quizzically when I repeatedly contradict myself. Knowing the right thing one moment and being ruled by emotion the next. The following paragraphs were very helpful to me.
As you try to unscramble what has happened to you, both your thoughts and actions may spin out of control. You’re likely to become more obsessive, dwelling on your partner’s lies, the details of the betrayal and the events that led to it.
Instead of hanging on to the “story” of your betrayal, give yourself permission to heal. Look beneath your emotional reactions and ask yourself, what are my emotions really telling me? What needs to change and what can I do to take those necessary steps. You can not change what has happened to you but you do need to take responsibility for how you are handling the situation now. By: Dr. Eileen Borris
As time passes, the ups and downs lessen. My goal is to let go of this "Story". To see my husband as he is, a very sad, broken man with mental illness, just trying to put what is left of his life back together with the tools he has in his tool chest. Perhaps I will play a role in his recovery. Maybe, but I'm not sure....it might just be his time to do it all on his own.
Meanwhile, I have passed my zombie stage and that's quite an achievement. I can eat and sleep again and am trying to focus on all I have to be grateful for.
As you search for your grateful, be kind to yourself.