An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I am a very speedy walker, always have been. It may have been the deep and abiding anxiety that lived in my body for the first 55 years of my life that prompted it. I couldn't say but it is how I am built now. I  frequently find myself 10 or so steps ahead of that man of mine, who ambles in the best of times, but who often limps in pain or discomfort. The years of misuse, his own and others, on that big ole body of his is letting itself known especially in the knees and feet. I have a hard time slowing my pace. Lately, I have been starting my day at the Willamette River, with my back facing east and watching the sunrise on the yonder shore and upon the lavish homes that grace the western river front. It is tranquil and peaceful most mornings and is a beautiful place for me to read or write. Seeing a lot of the same people walking trail each day, I take comfort in the familiarity. The past month I have watched a gal walking her very old companion. Today I finally stopped her to ask ...

My #3 child is still working abroad. She and her partner live in England somewhere near Manchester. The company she works for is an Oregon based company that provides medical and dental insurance for the citizens of this and 3 other states. When she started at this company about 6 years ago she worked with an older gent who left within the first year of her employment. They did not have a ton of interaction but they were on friendly terms. The other day, quite out of the blue, my daughter received an email from this person. They reached out, wishing her well, and letting her know how very sorry he is for how the LGBTQIA+ community is being treated by the current government. Letting her know he is on her side.  I think we are going to need to do a lot of that from this point on. For the brown skinned people in our communities, who must be living in fear, for the LGBTQIA+ community, who has no idea what is in store for them in regards to passports, bathrooms, their names, their posit...

  Isn’t it odd how we end our teen years and start our adult lives thinking we have to plan things out, plotting our futures using either the excellent tools our parents supplied us with or the complete for-shit set of tools we acquired because they themselves didn’t have any to begin with.  Off we go with dreams of how it “our lives” will turn out with the ever so careful choices we made. At some point comes the awareness that it really didn’t matter, those choices we made, because, in reality, we were never driving the bus. And some of us, we didn’t even get a seat. We were hanging on to the bumper wondering if we were going to have the strength to keep holding on.  Finally, if we’re lucky, we get off, we let go. But it hurts to let go, to surrender, to realize that our choices really don’t drive, affect maybe, but not drive.  There’s an ache and so much damn fear that comes with the letting go. Perhaps because all the energy we put into hanging on to the bumpe...

My tender hearted girl decided she wanted to foster an old lady. Selkie is 14, is nearly deaf and nearly blind, has a hard time walking and uses her bark to get her needs met.  She got her home, took her for a bath and then basically loved this old girl for three weeks until the property manager decided that it wasn’t a good match (barking too much AND because she is a pit bull).  My girl knew it was probably temporary but she gave that dog a comfortable loving home, away from the chaos of the shelter, for a short time.  Ideally, she would have walked her home but that’s not how it worked this time.  Last night she stood and ugly cried on a strangers shoulder after giving her back.  I love that girl and her sweet heart.  I wish Selkie a new final home full of love. 

The other day one of the ladies I meet with weekly cancelled with little notice. She was given the opportunity to spend some time with a new grand baby. The baby’s parents had recently reconnected after an extended estrangement.  I told her how very happy I was for her to have to time, to not worry about the cancellation and hoped she stayed present and enjoyed every moment.  She sweetly thanked me, faltered in her speech for a moment, and then expressed to me how sorry she was that I don’t have any grandchildren yet and that she hopes that changes someday. I would be lying if I told you it didn’t feel a little achey but, truthfully, I’m a very happy camper. I truly appreciated her kindness but I can spread my love other ways and I can always hope for the future.  Living in the moment, focusing on what is good (and there is a ton of it) accepting what is….it’s a great way to live.  Happiest of Sundays. 

 I know it's been awhile for me. Life has taken its turns and twists. I am rolling with it, living in the moment, breathing with purpose, journaling to get to know myself and accepting what is. It is amazing that all I had to do was give up the battle, stop being a victim and find the beauty. A while back I mentioned that I had a new interest in poetry. For most of my life I honestly didn't see the point of it but now it has taken on new meaning. I am finding some old poets that are lovely and solid and new ones that are irreverent and speak to my heart. I definitely have to pick and choose. There are many I simply don't understand but, in general, I am enjoying the trip. In addition to that, I have found that for the first time ever, Jazz speaks to my soul and my soul says YES. Imagine that? I couldn't have given one whit about it previously, quite the opposite. I would turn it off faster than you could say "Round Midnight".  Such fun! The Boy Scout graduated...