Do You Ever Disappear?
The other night the Boy Scout invited me to an event at a local business, Milwaukie Floral, that has a monthly “Curators Market”. It brings together small businesses, without store fronts, to a place to sell their wares and make themselves known in the community, as well as the opportunity to mingle and create. Each month the owners pick a drink and about 15 people can sign up to learn how to create it. Clearly, it’s less about the drink and more about sitting around the table and having a good time. Each place setting is set up with treats from the participating vendors like nuts, honey, sugars and baked goods. It’s a great little event. Boy Scout has been invited to host the next one, which will be strawberry mojitos, so he wanted to check this one out.
While I’ve been coming out of my social shell over the last few years, these kind of events can still be awkward for me. But he wanted me to tag along, so I did. When we arrived, I quickly spotted that there was not a setting for me. There were a few empty chairs but they weren’t set up. My name didn’t get on the list. Not that big of a deal but they couldn’t set an additional place so I set at an empty one next to the Boy Scout.
I struggled to hear the drink host. She had a soft voice. The two gals sitting next to me were friendly enough but I had trouble hearing them too, with all the laughter and babble. The Boy Scout got involved in a conversation with the man next to him. So engrossed was he that he turned his chair in such a way so that all I could see was his back.
So there I sat. Unable to participate in a meaningful way, trying to be a part just by listening in, trying to enjoy the moment. But truthfully I felt alone and invisible. At one point Boy Scout turned to me to let me know that he had homework to do when we got home and then turned back. Once the drinks were done, everyone was laughing and chatting but I had had enough. Why, I asked myself, do I continue to sit here, feeling more alone than if I was sitting alone at home with the dog? Isn’t it odd how groups can do that? I gave my regards to Lisa and Diane, the two ladies sitting next to me and made my way to the car. As I waited, I realized that it had felt very like the times when I was a child and my father had stopped somewhere telling us he would be out in just a minute and he would come out an hour or two later, having left us sitting in the car, having acted as if we were insignificant, unimportant, INVISIBLE.
We made our way home, not talking. I dropped him off and went to see a movie, hoping to process the complex feelings I was having. I didn’t do a good job. When I got home, we had a fight. I wish we hadn’t but we did. I felt let down, invisible to the one person that I count on to see me. I could have handle this a lot better. Live and learn.
Sad the event turned out to be a bit of an ordeal.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, the Boy Scout should have moved from his assigned place and sat with you -- and Rick and I would have had a relatively tense "discussion" about that -- both at the event and if he didn't move, after. I think I would have left and let him find his own way home -- but like you, the discussion would continue. If it helps, I'm here to validate your feelings!
ReplyDeleteThat would have made me feel invisible and unimportant, too. I can understand why it upset you so much. I hope the boy scout apologized.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me very sad. It also reminds me of the changes I made when I retired and moved to Florida where I became invisible and unimportant. It takes a long time to rebuild a life. Sometimes it is a life quite different than the one you left behind. Pursue the things that make you happy. Let the Boy Scout go to these events alone. Perhaps now he will accept that you avoid events like this for a reason.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't have been at all comfortable in such a situation either. I have been in situations that are different in the specific circumstance, but the feelings you describe are oh so familiar.
ReplyDeleteI disappear...in some spheres, I haven't existed for 20 years.
ReplyDeleteI could feel your pain with every sentence. I've definitely felt invisible. I felt it most strongly in high school when I was very shy and insecure. I can still remember standing in a small group of my peers feeling that I couldn't quite squeeze my body into their circle both physically and metaphorically. I've also felt invisible during my career, particularly when I was the newest member of the staff and felt vaguely unwelcome. I rarely feel that way anymore for a long list of reasons but the main reasons being I no longer work and I'm no longer shy. My husband, I've discovered, is very sensitive to people who might be feeling that way. He goes over and above trying to pull me into the conversation when we are in a gathering of people I don't know well. He also does that for other people who are looking uncomfortable. It's one of the characteristics that drew me to him when we first met.
ReplyDeleteI would have been upset too. Not only were you excluded but you have the added problem of your deafness and your guy knows that. And that feeling you describe, of feeling alone and unseen, I've felt that too. Sending hugs.
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