An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I am going to readdress an issue that I have already written about, but it is so important that I must revisit it just to cement it in my brain. There was a light bulb above my head that suddenly glowed bright in that very moment when I realized the genesis of the shame and embarrassment I felt when it came to my marriage during the last few years. As my Secret Keeper slowly disintegrated into his mental illness and drug abuse, the feelings that I experienced were all the emotions one would expect and read about. Anger, hurt, fear, betrayal etc. One very strong feeling was shame; I felt like an idiot.  But why? Because it went on so long? Because it happened under my nose? Because I trusted him to do the right thing even in his depression? Perhaps a little of each of those but there was a bigger issue and it was all MINE. It seems that a fragile, unexamined part of my ego took a tremendous beating by having my marriage fail. I recall at an early age deciding that I was going to b

Sometimes it's hard to find the beauty. It takes some digging, removing the layers of sadness, picking through the ugly strewn anger, raking up loose lying hurts and, finally, unlocking the shackles of fear. Underneath it all can be amazing blessings that astound! They're always there but they get covered, rendered invisible or maybe we just become blind. For me it was blindness. The weight of the world made me unable to see the real beauty lying just on the other side. The other side of self pity and shame. As I peel away the ugliness, I have also been blessed by a new view of others. I suddenly see others gifts and beauty instead of focusing on their flaws. And when I don't, I am more aware and start to question the motives of my poor focus. This is especially helpful when feelings are so raw. One can rush into analyzing the meanings of conversations or a statement, easily taking the low road and thinking the worst of the other person. What matters is to live in th

There are ups and downs in this walk to happiness. Yesterday, after looking at a couple of houses to purchase, my youngest and I went to get a bite to eat. I saw a family coming into the restaurant that I really didn't want to talk to. We tried to be invisible but, alas, it didn't work. They both came up and said their friendly hellos and awkwardly the man walked away. The wife stayed to make pleasantries. Both are intimately familiar with what happened to my Secret Keeper as not only do they live up the street from us but our two husbands worked together. She smiled and chatted and we exchanged all the normal inquiries and then she did it! "I noticed your house is up for sale," with a large smile. "Yes," I said, gritting my teeth as I pinned a smile on my face. "I saw that Tina and Bob have both been there showing the house. Do you know them? They are friends of ours," she inquired, smiling even more broadly. I mumbled something in reply,

A few weeks back, I had a rather big argument with someone I love dearly. On the day of our big family Christmas party (my first Christmas without my Secret Keeper) I was in the middle of a huge pity party. Pathetic but even the best of us do it once in awhile.  This person texted me a note basically saying "Buck up, stop whining and get on with life". All I could focus on was the "stop whining" part. It hurt, for so many reasons, like another item to add to my grieving list. I'm nearly done with the anger and resentment I was fostering from the argument and am able to see my part in this situation. I had put this person on a pedestal. Unfair!  No one can survive up there forever. Eventually they will fall.  Had she been on solid ground, I may have been able to take the comments and realize that she did not mean for them to hurt, and that intentions count for much. But that is not what happened. What happened was a huge argument where very ugly things were sai

I write things here I can't say out loud. Whether it's something not acceptable to society or to my peer group or whether it's the many constraints I bind myself with that prevent me from expressing myself to another person. The "for sale" sign goes up today. The house needs work, one car needs to be sold, paper work to read over, another place to live needs to be found, bills to be paid, people still count on me. Today I'm not strong. Today I ache with lonliness. Today I need my mom (imagine that at 51). Today I will go back to bed and know tomorrow will be better.

I can love my Secret Keeper again. It has happened slowly and, sometimes, begrudgingly, but there you are. The other day we needed to meet at the Realtors to sign the paper work to sell our home. We got out of our respective cars and walked towards each other. My heart softened for the poor guy; for who he once was and for who he has become. He has abused his body so badly and it shows. This guy who once worked tirelessly was limping toward me, so heavy from the medications he now relies on to have even a semblance of normalcy. A man who was a doting father and dedicated husband.  How must he feel now? In the past few months, I could only care how I felt or how my kids must feel but not him. He was the culprit and I was the victim. No longer. Although he must live with the results of his actions, I now see that he was a victim of a brutal disease, left untreated because he gave into the urges and could not ask for help. NAMI helped me see him in a different light. Being able to do so

Today I put my home on the market. I love this house. Like so many of you, I have put my time, my money and my heart here. I've learned a few things though: Don't invest your heart in a place. Your love and your memories do not count on the location being there. It's the people and the tenderness and the loyalty that took place there that is important. Family gatherings and heartfelt talks still happened even if you can't sit in the same room or walk down the same hallway. Don't hold on to what is not healthy. As much as I would love to stay here, I cannot afford to do this on my own. Or maybe I could squeeze by but at the cost of a lot of other things that could bring much joy in my life.  A house or 3 or 4 long weekends away with my kids or a nice extended vacation?  No contest! Driving around in a high mileage car, worrying about whether I will make it home late at night or being able to afford a reliable new car. I'll take peace of mind over hangin