Monday, January 19, 2015

Cutting Some Slack

A few weeks back, I had a rather big argument with someone I love dearly. On the day of our big family Christmas party (my first Christmas without my Secret Keeper) I was in the middle of a huge pity party. Pathetic but even the best of us do it once in awhile.  This person texted me a note basically saying "Buck up, stop whining and get on with life". All I could focus on was the "stop whining" part. It hurt, for so many reasons, like another item to add to my grieving list.

I'm nearly done with the anger and resentment I was fostering from the argument and am able to see my part in this situation. I had put this person on a pedestal. Unfair!  No one can survive up there forever. Eventually they will fall.  Had she been on solid ground, I may have been able to take the comments and realize that she did not mean for them to hurt, and that intentions count for much. But that is not what happened. What happened was a huge argument where very ugly things were said. While she threw bombs, I just kept telling her to shut the fuck up (not proud but want to be truthful). Good job Lin. Way to alienate somebody you love.

Eventually we apologized and hugged but there is a tremendous amount of silence from her end. It may be nothing but Al-Anon has taught me that I should only be concerned about my part of this situation. I will do my best and attempt to realize that she may be harboring resentments against me.  If so, those are hers to deal with. Meeting my own emotional needs is entirely my job and nobody else should be left on the hook for that. I will try to remember that when I am feeling especially vulnerable. I will also try to remember that next time she calls me when she is feeling bad. Hopefully, I will NOT let those other nasty feelings bubble to the surface and affect my attitude.

I've got so far to go.

My kindness commitment sucked that day but I keep trying.

1 comment:

  1. I recently had a program acquaintance tell me that I was spending too much time talking about my pain, with regard to the cancer. This was in reference to private conversations I had with her, not my sharing at a meeting. I was stunned, and as a result, went along with it, until she went home. A day or so later, I began to think about it, and realised, that what I'm inclined to think she may have been telling me, was that she couldn't handle hearing about it.

    I felt some small bit of annoyance, then could see the humour in it, and the slick way it was done - and remembered all of a sudden that Al-Anon isn't her primary program, she's an alcoholic. As is the way with so many alcoholics, regardless of what "it" is, it's all about her. When I thought of that, I could let it go, and remember that I have my own human frailties, and I need to remember that fact when I'm feeling judgemental. Bless you, and I could feel your pain as I read this post. Ouch.


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