A few weeks back, I had a rather big argument with someone I love dearly. On the day of our big family Christmas party (my first Christmas without my Secret Keeper) I was in the middle of a huge pity party. Pathetic but even the best of us do it once in awhile. This person texted me a note basically saying "Buck up, stop whining and get on with life". All I could focus on was the "stop whining" part. It hurt, for so many reasons, like another item to add to my grieving list.
I'm nearly done with the anger and resentment I was fostering from the argument and am able to see my part in this situation. I had put this person on a pedestal. Unfair! No one can survive up there forever. Eventually they will fall. Had she been on solid ground, I may have been able to take the comments and realize that she did not mean for them to hurt, and that intentions count for much. But that is not what happened. What happened was a huge argument where very ugly things were said. While she threw bombs, I just kept telling her to shut the fuck up (not proud but want to be truthful). Good job Lin. Way to alienate somebody you love.
Eventually we apologized and hugged but there is a tremendous amount of silence from her end. It may be nothing but Al-Anon has taught me that I should only be concerned about my part of this situation. I will do my best and attempt to realize that she may be harboring resentments against me. If so, those are hers to deal with. Meeting my own emotional needs is entirely my job and nobody else should be left on the hook for that. I will try to remember that when I am feeling especially vulnerable. I will also try to remember that next time she calls me when she is feeling bad. Hopefully, I will NOT let those other nasty feelings bubble to the surface and affect my attitude.
I've got so far to go.
My kindness commitment sucked that day but I keep trying.