An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

As I went back over my blog, I noticed a definite theme. Working my program, failing to work my program, working my program, failing to work my program. Looking at the big picture, I know what the problem is. I have faith in God, I know that I was created by God and that he cares for me but the fact of the matter is that God is really busy and might overlook a situation that is important to me. Lack of faith. FEAR. Fear still rules in my life at times. And, truthfully, though I want it to change, I'm not too hard on myself. I learned to survive with fear and there were times that it probably served me well; protected me. A lifetime of behavior does not change over night. Sadly, I can still call up reasons to fear; like when loved ones are behaving in self destructive ways or when they are hurting me with words or actions. Those are the times I need to give it up to God.  Where is the line in the sand though? Where do we say "God I give this to you" or "Fu...

Nothing has really changed since yesterday but my attitude sure has. Today I feel resentful and bummed.  It all started with a text from sister #2.           "Hi, when and where are we doing thanksgiving & Xmas this year." Well, we do Xmas the same place every year, at sister #3's. Thanksgiving was mine and I loved every minute of it. But that was then....now I live in a house that is really too small for the people living in it.  My 800 sq. ft. and single bathroom will not accommodate an excess of 25 additional members of extended family. I miss my old house and my beautiful yard a bunch. Truth is, before I received the text, I knew it wasn't going to happen.  Seeing it put in writing hurt much more than I thought it would though. I'm angry and hurting and feeling less than grateful right now.  When does the bleeding stop? In a day, an hour or 10 minutes.....whenever I am able to put my grateful back on and move forward. I'm n...

A beautiful world opens up when you keep an open mind. The past few months I have really been challenged to think a different way. I won't go through all the ways, as I've probably covered many of them ad nauseam, but a couple I have chosen to share are a bit of surprise to me and a feeling of vulnerability about the first one is quite interesting. So, here goes... First, I got drunk for the first time in my 52 year life.  It was interesting, dizzying and quite funny but I felt a little under the weather the next day and so, when all is said and done, good enough. My Boy Scout was sweet to sit with me, tolerate my silliness and then get me home, all while making me feel safe and knowing that someone was in control (You Al-Anons and ADA's know exactly what I am talking about). Additionally, he seemed to think I was quite funny and it was nice to sit across from him and see a big smile and, occasionally, let go with his huge, deep from the gut laugh that I love so m...

We were married on my 22nd birthday. We opted for that day because our first date was on my 17th birthday and felt it was meant to be. We were young and happy and looking forward to a bright future.  The story didn't go the way I had planned but that's what I get for thinking I was allowed to decide how my story should go. What an ego!!! Since my "story" involves so many other people, how presumptuous of me.  I have learned that the important thing is becoming a happy person and allowing life to happen, only intervening when boundaries are breached or when someone I love asks me for help. It may seem like I'm not playing an active role in my life but not true. When I am working my program and doing what I need to do, excellent boundaries count for so much. They allow me to say "No" and "This is not working for me" and "This is what I need from you" without expecting someone to read my mind and with the expectation that I will do ...

I know a very special lady that I met at a local store that I've been shopping at for the last 10 years. She's been working there since she was in high school and I would estimate her to be about 30 to 34 years old. About 18 months ago I found out she was being treated for breast cancer. Since that time we have had many wonderful conversations about the illness, healthcare and life in general. I have got to say that I have never, EVER, in my entire life met a person with a better attitude. The many times I have stepped into that shop and was met with a warm smile, I cannot even count. Her prognosis is not terrific. She knew she had a lump long before she went to the hospital for the first biopsy. Not having insurance, her options were limited. The moment her Obama Care kicked in, her treatment went into hyper-speed. I've watched her handle the chemo, then radiation, the hair-loss (3 times) with such grace. I remember when, after the first round of chemo, her hair start...

Early morning praising and thanking and mediation starts the day out perfectly.  Whether life is running smoothly or if the road is rocky and hard, my day is always better if I ground myself, first thing, in gratitude. The mornings I forget, or those mornings where I am in so much turmoil that I just don't, lack something special. Clarity and a joyfulness that comes by just being authentically grateful for the life I have been given is missing. As I make my thankful list, I try hard to not constantly list the obvious......I am consistently grateful for each of my children and the roof over my head. The comfortable bed I am laying in is often the first on the list. I love my bed, with its abundance of pillows cushioning my curves and pointy places and my aches and pains. After that, I try to be aware of the many things I take for granted...my yard with its crazy array of palms and ferns and tropical this and that, my garage that was suitable enough to house my oldest boy ...

I'm conflicted. I feel upheaval and anxiety and my gut tells me to react. I'm working my program. I do not have to resolve. I do not have to speak up. I do not have to fix. I can sit quiet. I can trust in a God that is in control. I can breathe and wait. I'm ok.

Yep, that's about it.