An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Boy Scout is on the couch recovering from a number of unpleasant health issues. I’m in the barrel chair, dog on my lap, looking out the front window. In my past life I would have felt down, gazing at the muted palette, the ice, the lack of movement. I have new glasses with which to see the world and those glasses allow me to notice serene landscape, the quiet, the beauty of the cleared pathway that runs from our front door to the car (compliments of our neighbors 11 year old son) and the elongating crystal-like spears hanging from the eaves and whatever else that can attach themselves to.  The only sign of life right now is the smoke gently rising out of a few of our neighbors chimneys. It’s early yet. It’ll pick up but right now I am enjoying the silence of a cold winter morning.  I love my life, my new set of glasses.

This house we live in, built in 1961, was pretty much original when we moved in. The tub had been resurfaced and the master shower must of had a plumbing leak sometime in the 70’s judging by the beefy mauve and brown tiles. The owners had carpeted over hardwood but the carpet I pulled up was definitely from the late 60’s or early 70's. . I went to work and replaced both toilets (one pink and one too old) pretty quick. I bought the same model Kohler for both except one was standard and one was elongated. The new spare bath toilet had an issue from the start. Each time it was flushed it squirted clean water out of the bowl onto the wall behind it if the lid was open, or onto the lid and toilet seat if it was closed. I made a number of calls to Kohler early on but was so busy that I didn’t get it worked out. Basically, I tolerated it. Finally, I set aside an unlimited amount of time to “fix it”. The guy from Kohler assured me it was the flush valve and even though I knew he was wrong,...

This is where I developed my love of driving. Meet Susan. 1979 Datsun B210. Bad weather....new blog look. Too much time on my hands. It's been fine being home except for some cabin fever. We go a lot, just seeing new parts of the city, exploring the countryside, but I am not confident in the snow and ice. I find that I am chiding myself to not give in to fear. I love driving.  My car has not been out for days and I am playing the "If only I had bought that all-wheel drive" tune in my head, as if that is what is holding me back. I just don't like being afraid to get behind the wheel. It's just a little weather.

Most of us pare down as we get older. We streamline and default into doing the things that are most important to us. And since we are all different, those things vary greatly. Time with family, watching tv, not keeping the house quite so tidy, narrowing our friend groups (although nature has a way of doing that for us).  It seems to me that many women opt for short hair that requires little to no styling. I like short hair, I always have but I, for whatever reason, am more of a long hair gal. My sisters all have longish hair too. I don’t style it much or spend a ton of time on it. The only reason I get a cut and color these days is because my sweet stylist daughter takes good care of her mama. She keeps me from looking like an old wild crone even if that is who I am. The other night the Boy Scout and I went to see a movie. Afterwards, he made a pit stop and I made my way to the crowded lobby. Facing the hallway, I watched as he rounded to corner searching the crowd. Finally catchin...

For close to 4 years I have been meeting with a small group of women every Tuesday night. We were 6 for the first year but since then we have been 5. Between us, we have close to 80 years of 12 step recovery under our belts. The bulk of that is AA but there are many types of 12 step groups and we cover just about all of them in one form or another.  A while back, when I was still feeling low and unconnected, I shared with them how much I missed my mother. I was saying to them….. “you know, that unconditional love that a mother gives.” I said it before thinking it through. When I finished, I looked at them and 2 of them were stoned faced and one looked confused. Those three women had had very troubled humans for mothers. They could not relate to what I was saying. My heart ached, not only for the thoughtlessness of my comment, but for these three women who have had to spend a lifetime to heal from the damage heaped on them by that person that they should have been able to trust....

 I had my second surgery on the 19th. We are still in the wait to find out period. Not sure if it worked or not. This one was different from the other. I had some pretty significant vertigo which got worse when I closed my eyes. It didn’t last a long time and it was not the worst I had ever experienced so, over all, this ear was a little easier. I felt calm and confident in my surgeon and quite accepting of any outcome. Success or not, I still hear better in my right at than I have heard in 15 years. The only side effect now is the left side of my tongue is slightly numb and it has no ability to taste…zero.  I am not a foodie so it doesn’t devastate me. It may or may not come back. No big deal.  I feel nothing but gratitude for a doctor willing to push back on a previous diagnosis and question his fellow physicians.