The Solution

During my time alone today I thought about how being a mom has been the best thing I have ever experienced. It has been the most connective and rewarding adventure in my life. And yet, it has not come without the usual complications and then a little extra.

As I contemplated the past 35 years, some of the things I am most proud of, memories started to creep in. And then, a memory that was nestled between the face of my childhood librarian who looked a lot like Beverly Cleary and the young man, whose name completely escaped me now, that had professed his love for me when I was 15, came forth. I'd rather not go into details.

With the conveniently forgotten memory came that feeling. You know the one. That feeling that makes one feel small, unworthy and threatening to overshadow any good you've ever done. It renders the positive mute. The familiar feeling of shame came bursting out. My first instinct was to GET RID OF IT! I wanted to text the kids and bring the occasion to the forefront. I wanted to apologize and make my amends.

I wanted ABSOLUTION and forgiveness so that I didn't have to live with the uncomfortable feeling.

Thankfully I remembered back to a beautiful conversation with a "ole timer", which is what we call anyone that has been 12 Stepping for a good long while, and she had talked to me about the amends process. Just like the 9th Step AA, in ACA we do the same thing. We do it thoroughly and bravely, without fanfare or expecting anything at all in return. And then we are done. We go forward and live our life differently. Hopefully that shows up to the people we have harmed.

After that, it becomes an inside job. The solution is to become our own Loving Parent. Taking care of our own feelings, not making another person responsible for making us feel OK. To contact my kids could possibly be causing more harm which is exactly what I do not want to do.

I dealt with my shame by taking out the picture of me as a young mom, which I keep in my journal, and realizing she(we) tried so darn hard. She just had lousy tools and lousy education. But I praised her and told her how we kept learning and kept trying to do better. 

What more could we do than that?


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