The Solution

The solution is to become your own loving parent. 

In ACA, we recognize that our parents fell short in many ways. They may have been alcoholics or addicts, they may have been physically or verbally abusive or may have simply lacked the tools to care for us in a loving, nurturing way. Or, like my father, abandoning the family in every sense of the word. 

While all that was happening, we, being little tiny children, developed tools to deal with the life we were handed. Often times, those tools saved us. Whether it was knowing when to hide or be scarce, or figuring out how to feed ourselves as a 4 year old, or knowing how to gauge the adults mood at any given time, or just learning how to not show emotion because the reaction to that would be cruel or dismissive. These tools worked well until they didn’t. 

Now we get the choice to change the narrative. We get to figure out what those ill adaptive tools are. That can be hard work because they have been with us for such a long time that they are now hard wired. The trick is finding them and the hard work is changing them. 

I love this work and I love these people that show up every week because they have faith that there is a better way to live.

I’ve found that loving parent. She cares for me when I’m sad, comforts me and reminds me of my value when I make mistakes and holds space when I despair about the future or the past and gently reminds me of the “here” and the “now”.  It’s been 5 years of hard work but life keeps getting better. When I love myself, I more freely love others. When I stopped judging myself, I stopped judging others. 

The critical parent is nearly nonexistent. She’s there but so very quiet. What a gift.