Wednesday, October 5, 2022

Speaking Of Grief

Today, every one of my siblings are together.  For the first time since the day our mother died 15 years ago they are sitting at a table. swapping memories, laughing at old jokes and holding space for our mother who would have been thrilled that they are together.

I ache that I am not with them. I feel sad and angry that I am not where I belong. I wish they had told me. Maybe I could have gotten a last minute flight...maybe.

The family black sheep, the first boy after three girls, the fearless (perhaps reckless is a better description) playmate of my childhood is dying. 4th stage lung cancer, just like our father. God, he had hated our dad and yet he had carried on the family tradition of abandoning families, lying and manipulation, and that beaut of a characteristic....addiction (although, admittedly, his drug of choice has been far less destructive than that of our father's).

I don't know if he's seen the errors of his ways. I don't know if he is still and forever the victim of every interaction that goes south. None of us had made any attempts to talk to him for many years, until recently when his daughter got a hold of me to let me know he was sick. Even his daughter keeps her distance out of self preservation.

All that being said, I wish I was there to tell him I love him. 

Leaving no stone unturned, leaving nothing on the table, having no regrets.


  1. This is so sad, I so wish you could be there with them. I hope you do get a chance to tell your brother that you love him. Words of love that need to be said, words of love that need to be heard, from your heart to his.

  2. I'm so sorry sweetie. Being leftout, your brother dying, it's a lot. Families are so hard. Sending hugs.

  3. I wish I'd seen this earlier and I would have suggested you facetime or skype in with them. Yes, please tell your brother. We never know when we won't have another chance. Time is fleet and fast. I'm so very sorry.

  4. This is a tough situation on several levels. Hugs and hearts-ease to you, Linda.

  5. Sending love, especially to you and your brother and his daughter who got hold of you. May your love for your brother somehow be felt in his heart, against all odds.

  6. Families can be so cruel. It's open ground for accusations and hurt because families sty silent most of the time and if we speak up, it's "just family".
    Sending you strength and compassion to hold your brother in a good memory space.

  7. Sending thoughts of lovingkindness to you as you navigate this painful situation.


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