Speaking Of Grief

Today, every one of my siblings are together.  For the first time since the day our mother died 15 years ago they are sitting at a table. swapping memories, laughing at old jokes and holding space for our mother who would have been thrilled that they are together.

I ache that I am not with them. I feel sad and angry that I am not where I belong. I wish they had told me. Maybe I could have gotten a last minute flight...maybe.

The family black sheep, the first boy after three girls, the fearless (perhaps reckless is a better description) playmate of my childhood is dying. 4th stage lung cancer, just like our father. God, he had hated our dad and yet he had carried on the family tradition of abandoning families, lying and manipulation, and that beaut of a characteristic....addiction (although, admittedly, his drug of choice has been far less destructive than that of our father's).

I don't know if he's seen the errors of his ways. I don't know if he is still and forever the victim of every interaction that goes south. None of us had made any attempts to talk to him for many years, until recently when his daughter got a hold of me to let me know he was sick. Even his daughter keeps her distance out of self preservation.

All that being said, I wish I was there to tell him I love him. 

Leaving no stone unturned, leaving nothing on the table, having no regrets.

Comments

  1. NewRobin13October 5, 2022 at 3:21 PM

    This is so sad, I so wish you could be there with them. I hope you do get a chance to tell your brother that you love him. Words of love that need to be said, words of love that need to be heard, from your heart to his.

    ReplyDelete
  2. PixieOctober 5, 2022 at 3:40 PM

    I'm so sorry sweetie. Being leftout, your brother dying, it's a lot. Families are so hard. Sending hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. JeanieOctober 5, 2022 at 5:23 PM

    I wish I'd seen this earlier and I would have suggested you facetime or skype in with them. Yes, please tell your brother. We never know when we won't have another chance. Time is fleet and fast. I'm so very sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Debra She Who SeeksOctober 5, 2022 at 7:45 PM

    This is a tough situation on several levels. Hugs and hearts-ease to you, Linda.

    ReplyDelete
  5. amOctober 6, 2022 at 2:08 AM

    Sending love, especially to you and your brother and his daughter who got hold of you. May your love for your brother somehow be felt in his heart, against all odds.

    ReplyDelete
  6. SabineOctober 6, 2022 at 11:21 AM

    Families can be so cruel. It's open ground for accusations and hurt because families sty silent most of the time and if we speak up, it's "just family".
    Sending you strength and compassion to hold your brother in a good memory space.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Shari BurkeOctober 8, 2022 at 11:03 AM

    Sending thoughts of lovingkindness to you as you navigate this painful situation.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

What do you have to say about that?

Popular posts from this blog

A Journey To Home

Image
My tender hearted girl decided she wanted to foster an old lady. Selkie is 14, is nearly deaf and nearly blind, has a hard time walking and uses her bark to get her needs met.  She got her home, took her for a bath and then basically loved this old girl for three weeks until the property manager decided that it wasn’t a good match (barking too much AND because she is a pit bull).  My girl knew it was probably temporary but she gave that dog a comfortable loving home, away from the chaos of the shelter, for a short time.  Ideally, she would have walked her home but that’s not how it worked this time.  Last night she stood and ugly cried on a strangers shoulder after giving her back.  I love that girl and her sweet heart.  I wish Selkie a new final home full of love. 
Read more

Private Eye

Image
We pass by the house frequently since it sits on a busy thoroughfare. We know to look every time we pass and guess what will we see. Will it be the two Dalmatians, sitting on the couch that backs up to the giant panel window, waiting for their human to come home? Or will it be their human, sitting slightly to the right of middle (allowing for a better view of the giant mounted tv across the room) of the said couch. They are never there at the same time. It’s one or the other. One sleepless night, when my body was willing but my brain was not, I did a little sleuthing. It’s amazing what you can find out about a complete stranger.   His name is Gary and, from what I can tell, he’s never been married. He has worked his way up in a air duct company. He’s now the senior VP but it’s a small company and he still goes out on jobs, judging from  the reviews on Yelp. I know he has two siblings and that their father passed away in 2018. His memorial was held in a Buddhist temple and Gary...
Read more

Go!

Image
 Vai. E, se der medo, vai con medo mesmo. When one is raised in an angry family, it’s not enough to say I don’t want to be angry. You must learn how to do it differently. That’s no easy task. If judgment and self hatred became a way of life, a new way to live has to be taught. There are many ways to do it. Reading, writing, sharing, practicing all help the change. Counseling, psychoanalysis, religion, meditation, gratitude, have the ability to transform but I needed to see it in action, it needed to be more tangible, visual, accessible. I needed to understand the possibilities. There is a YouTube channel that I watch over and over again in order to absorb how to live more fully, more open and from the heart. One of the first episodes that I stumbled on is this…. The channel is Reflections of Life and through it we get to meet people who are doing life a little differently, often more soul based. People who are living life, healing wounds and finding what is truly important.  I...
Read more