Next……
I have to laugh at myself just a little. At the audacity of thinking I would need to choose one job over the other. At my subtle judgment of the people who would, of course, see that I could do the job effectively and efficiently. A shoe in. As it turns out, another candidate was chosen…..for both jobs.
I remain nearly 60, nearly deaf and jobless.
Last night I had to process. Process what I felt, where it hurt and what I was going to do with it.
In the past, what I did was either to turn it on someone else (usually whoever is closest) or inward at myself, or both. It has been second nature to tell myself how unworthy, how ignorant or that I am an imposter.
Truthfully, it took me a good 6 or 7 hours to work through it. I realized I felt seething anger. How I wanted to punch the wall. The thought of job hunting in a cast prevented that. Not angry at anyone in particular (or at least not anyone who deserved it) but more at the situation, feeling impudent, insignificant and particularly ashamed. The anger……it is just blanket. A blanket covering the true feeling of fear, the ever present fear.
The future built a story in my head of my kids, far and wide, and at the thought of seeing my favorite people on the planet, at best, once a year. Of settling for phone calls that have, over time, become less frequent. Of watching my sisters travel the world together and know that I will never be a part of that bit of intimacy. Watching my friends take great vacations with envy. Lack of connection with the people I love the most. And, finally, that any significant illness will mean absolute financial devastation doesn’t help.
As you can see, I did not have control over my thoughts
And then I somehow remembered that all I have is today. My body came into its own. I could breath normally again.
It still hurts. I would be lying if I said different but it is bearable. This is Linda learning to feel her feelings at 58.
The universe may or may not have a plan. My job is to find the good and be grateful for it. Loving family, good friends.
Turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks. She may not do them with grace but she will get the job done. She always does.
Frustration, anger and fear are all understandable in this situation, but you have proved yourself to be bigger than any of them! Keep your chin up, my friend, and keep persevering -- job hunting is a numbers game and sooner or later, you'll find the one that has your number on it! Everybody, let's send that intention for Linda out into the universe!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're going through this. It's so, so hard, even when recognizing that lessons are being learned in the process. When we lived in 'Sucktown' I felt much the same as I struggled to find a way to get hired. I was overqualified for most of the available jobs and my education was not in my favour. I had to learn how to fudge about my adult work history, which had all been in academia at that point. And so many people would regale us with stories about how they got their jobs in spite of being spectacularly unqualified because no qualified person wanted to live there. They were proud of this and the fact that they were unqualified showed, but that's the kind of place it was/is. I felt the same emotions you described, especially the anger. It took me way more than 7 hours to get past those negative emotions!!
ReplyDeleteIn line with the comment from Debra She Who Seeks above, I send my hope that the most excellent job is waiting and about to make itself known to you!
I’m with Debra! You will find that job that has your number on it! Chin up is right!
ReplyDeleteChin up, onward you go. Your number is out there and waiting to be found.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Debra. and I'm sending my intention out into the universe for you, for the job that will fit just right, and for the people to recognize the true hard-working accomplished you. It will happen, this I know to be true.
ReplyDeleteThis is hard to read and I feel for you. I lost my future a while ago, the future I had of being fit and healthy when I retire. The plans I had! Funny that, but as you realize so well in your posts, life does not come to a halt just because our plans fail to meet reality. You will look back on this time eventually, wiser and smarter.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs woman.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're in this hard place. My sister once comforted me through a tough time by suggesting that life is like a spring. Sometimes the spring gets pushed down on as far as it will go. Then, before you know it, the spring releases and the only direction it can go is up. Your upward rise is coming...I promise.
ReplyDeleteI lost my job in my 50s and started a company. Have you thought of selling your services as a consultant? I'm so sorry you are in this space right now. You are beautiful inside and out, don't you forget it!!
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough one, Linda. It really is. I've been following blogger Iris who went through the same situation in Germany for more than two years and only recently found the right thing. I have to trust that you will too, somehow. Meanwhile, holding you in my heart and hoping the hurt and anger heals soon. It sounds like you are on the right path.
ReplyDeletePerseverance will pay off. Someone smart will recognize you, as a mature woman, offer talent, experience and dependability. Perseverance will pay off! I totally understand about the hearing issues, but somewhere a job is waiting for you.
ReplyDeleteI worked in advice and information services and in the end the effort of listening got too much and I took early retirement. If I had my time again, I'd work as a gardener in a plant nursery. It would have been a lot easier from the hearing point of view! I've offered to volunteer in a small mediaeval garden not far from me in central Scotland. Something I'll enjoy without the dreaded hearing fatigue! xxx
Hearing fatigue is a thing. It’s exhausting isn’t it? Trying to keep up with conversations, trying to read lips and faces.
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