Keeping A Promise

I don't know if I told you this before but I was a runner a good part of my life. I loved the act of running. It burned the excess energy, got me outside and made me feel physically strong. Those were the things I was aware of.

What I was not aware of was that, unless I was accompanied by another runner, my thoughts beat me up. It's not like that was unusual, my thoughts were often in self flagellation mode but the running gave my brain an uninterrupted opportunity to beat me down. I was a captive audience.

In ACA, we learn that we are not our thoughts and that our thoughts can often emanate from what we learn is our "critical inner parent". Whether learned from an actual parent or honed by oneself, the thoughts can be incredibly destructive and know exactly where to land the blows to the most sensitive parts of the soul. Mine often told me what a bad mother I was, an inept wife, a socially awkward human but mainly my brain told me how stupid I was.

At a low point in my life, I had my oldest child tell me, "I don't want to hear you say how stupid you are", when we found out that my husband had been hiding a consuming addiction. A few weeks later, a new counselor informed me that in the few sessions we had had, I had mentioned feeling stupid, looking stupid or being afraid others thought I was an stupid. I had no idea! This counselor wisely sent me to ACA.

Adult Children of Alcoholics (and Dysfunction) has a list of promises. Promise # 1 is:

We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves.

For me, that means I no longer have to hide behind a facade of painful perfection. I get to be real and be ok with that.

This promise is work. It's not just a snap and ain't I grand. It's a process but it has worked. I no longer ever think I am stupid. I make mistakes and I get disappointed in myself but I also give myself love, tenderness and understanding, and most importantly....room to make mistakes. I am a wonderfully flawed human, who loves others, cares about the human condition, believes in gratitude and is worthy of love.....even my own.