I Just Got A Call

The Secret Keeper, otherwise known as my ex-husband, texted to asked for some help with his retirement account last week.  I obliged because he keeps pretty good boundaries these days and it doesn’t hurt me to help once in a while.  I had emailed him the information he needed and a few days later I texted just to make sure he had gotten it. I didn’t hear back. A day or two later I texted again with a second “heads up” but nothing in return. I asked my girls if they had heard from him, just to make sure he was OK. They hadn’t heard anything either

Tonight, he called, telling me he has been sick. Thinking he had the flu, I asked a few questions. As it turns out it was not the flu. He was shaking. This has happened before in differing degrees from mild to unbelievable. He’s on a lot of meds...A LOT.  For blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, bi-polar disorder, anxiety and anything else that I am not aware. All that being administered by a mentally ill man.

I hardly recognized his voice, this man that I have known since I was 16 and was married to for 30 years. He said the right things, those things that impel me to take control and try to fix. I didn’t but I wanted to. He just wanted to explain why he had not texted back. He couldn’t, he was shaking too bad. It was on the tip of my tongue to say, “Why don’t I go to the doctor with you.” Fix, fix, fix.

We said goodbye and I  had a good cry, grieving the man he once was and the person he has become. Sadness took hold and I felt it without a fight. Allowing it to wash over and then...coming out the other side.

Comments

  1. Debra She Who SeeksFebruary 20, 2019 at 4:15 AM

    You're keeping good boundaries yourself and that's a good thing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Marie SmithFebruary 20, 2019 at 5:17 AM

    Well done. I love that you allowed yourself to feel rather than try to fix.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Margaret (Peggy or Peg too)February 20, 2019 at 7:15 AM

    Whoa that is a tough situation. My goodness you handled it well. I don't know that I could have.
    Proud to know you Linda!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LindaFebruary 20, 2019 at 7:18 AM

      You are very kind Peg. It's been a long long time getting there. I've done and said many of thing to be ashamed of.

      Delete
  4. Adie DasFebruary 20, 2019 at 7:44 AM

    A question, and I truly mean it like that. With your firm boundaries now intact is it wrong to take him to a doctor? Why is it different than helping him with his accounts?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LindaFebruary 20, 2019 at 8:16 AM

      Excellent questions Adie.

      He has held on to me in a very unhealthy way over the past almost 5 years. Texting me inappropriate things and driving by my house frequently. Plus, I never actually know whether he is clean or in active drug use. So I struggle....if I become more involved, am I hamstringing him by making him become even more attached or that there might be hope for us. And, since I was so controlling while we were married, it was his "at home" feeling of allowing me to take control...take care of things. I don't want to be in charge of him. It's bad for both of us. I am trying to stop controlling people I love. It is a fine line, a dance that steps are unfamiliar.

      Delete
    2. Adie DasFebruary 20, 2019 at 11:00 PM

      Thanks for explaining and being okay with my question. I often struggle with things like this. Where's the boundary and where is the room for compassionate action...? And as your ex didn't ask for help, only answered your text to ease your worrying i thought that maybe he was also keeping better boundaries. And that that created the space for offering to take him to the doctor. But I do appreciate your book has had many many chapters, and you know best what things will lead to what follow up , etc etc.
      May both of you find the freedom to live your life in the fullest sense possible.
      Thanks

      Delete
  5. My life so farFebruary 20, 2019 at 8:33 AM

    When my ex-husband told me he was going home to kill himself, I called his sister and told them to take him to the hospital. It's easy to get sucked in.

    He's a grown man who sadly will probably die because of his diseases but it's also not your fault. I know I sound like a hard ass but you have to take care of yourself. My son does the same thing, wants me to take care of him. I won't anymore. It hasn't helped him at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LindaFebruary 20, 2019 at 8:47 AM

      I have watched you work hard and struggle. You sharing that has helped me too. Thank you Lily.

      Delete
  6. JeanieFebruary 20, 2019 at 9:32 AM

    You did the right thing. I'm not sure I would have been so brave. And grieving doesn't require death. It requires loss. And clearly, that was a powerful loss. Sending you wishes for continued strength, Linda. And peace.

    ReplyDelete
  7. MarthaFebruary 20, 2019 at 1:51 PM

    You did great with the boundaries. It is very hard to do. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LindaFebruary 21, 2019 at 6:30 AM

      Thanks Martha....at times harder than others.

      Delete
  8. ColetteFebruary 20, 2019 at 4:25 PM

    I admire you strength.

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnnsterwFebruary 21, 2019 at 11:50 AM

    This is a beautiful example of letting go with love...it is painful but necessary for me so often. I feel myself everyday wanting to check in on my ex to make sure he is well. This is not my place and he is not mine to fix! Thanks for the reminder! You are a strong and courageous woman!

    ReplyDelete

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