Today....Just Today
I am doing a couple of Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings a week now. It is so inspiring for me to hear the stories and relate to the feelings expressed and realize that I have a community. There are other people that have to fight the need to control and to try to force others, through various behaviors, to ease the uncomfortable emotions they may be feeling. There are other people that are afraid to feel certain emotions like hurt, shame and uncertainty and that fear presents itself in far more hurtful or counterproductive ways than actually dealing with the feelings.
People can be so damaged by their families even if their families are/were not aware. I think of a few of my blogging friends and of some of the people in my meetings that are fighting, tooth and nail, to break out of that shit they were handed as little children and rise above to a more beautiful and peace filled place and I am in awe of them. By comparison I didn't have it too bad but I am aware that that is not how it works. The crappy tools we developed as children to survive whatever we were handed can be as or more damaging than the homes we lived in. That is surely my case.
To counter some of that I am trying to:
People can be so damaged by their families even if their families are/were not aware. I think of a few of my blogging friends and of some of the people in my meetings that are fighting, tooth and nail, to break out of that shit they were handed as little children and rise above to a more beautiful and peace filled place and I am in awe of them. By comparison I didn't have it too bad but I am aware that that is not how it works. The crappy tools we developed as children to survive whatever we were handed can be as or more damaging than the homes we lived in. That is surely my case.
To counter some of that I am trying to:
- Live in this very moment and feel the feelings I am having without shoving them down or throwing them back.
- Recognize that when I feel rage that there is probably something underneath it that is screaming, "I cannot feel this...it hurts too much", and try to find out what that is rather than lashing out.
- Be aware that people's actions speak far louder than their words and trust my intuition which rarely steers me wrong.
This can apply to all people without having had an alcoholic in the family.
ReplyDeleteGood word to live by Linda. Thank you.
A powerful post Linda, with a message applicable to everyone. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI second margaret. no alcoholics, but toxic family members just the same for me. 4 years of psychotherapy helped me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this!
ReplyDeleteI am going to see if there is a meeting around me at a convenient time. I'm many years passed the old hurts and have had many years of counseling, but the pain still pops up when I am least expecting it.
ReplyDeleteA powerful message for all people to see, read and follow.
ReplyDeleteAs an adult child of an alcoholic this post speaks to me so deeply. I often say I feel like eveyone was taught these life skills at school but I missed that day. Now I am left confused and baffled. And depressed. Because I can’t seem to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteI was probably 50 before I realized why I reacted the way I do. Too much pent-up, tamped down anger. Yes, I am an adult child, twice over. I am still trying to learn how normal people react.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I learned in the rooms was that the alcoholic in your life could be a grandparent you never met, but influenced your parent’s style of parenting.
My mother said my sister and I raised ourselves...I do not know why she said that but it was very matter-of-fact.
Thank you for being willing to talk about alcoholism. For my growing years, it was a dirty secret.
Joyce
These are powerful thoughts and words -- alcoholics or not. We should all remember this thoughts. This is really a thoughtful post and I admire and am grateful for your sharing.
ReplyDeleteI grew up with a mother who was an alcoholic. Father was too - but for Mom was sloppy and mean. I have not dealt yet with my feelings - how it damaged me. I stopped drinking 2 years ago. I just buried a sister who died from a lung disease. She had addictions as well. When I tried to make her celebration of life sober - my elder sisters were upset - so I relented and allowed wine and beer. It showed me how deeply ingrained and unhealthy alcohol is in my family. As the sister who stopped drinking - I am the dead sock.
ReplyDelete