Who Taught You?

Do you always remember that you love your partner when you are in conflict?

I often forget my love for the Boy Scout when we are arguing. Something seizes my being, my gut, my throat, my heart and I become more primitive. Survival, fear, abandonment, loss of love. My ears ring (my hearing goes way down), my heart races....fight or flight kicks in.

I am working on it but it is not easy. If I remind myself that I will be ok before it gets out of hand, I do alright. I remember that even though we are arguing, it doesn’t mean he is leaving. And I am doing better and better but when I forget...UGH!

Who taught you how to fight? Did they do a good job?

Comments

  1. Marie SmithJuly 3, 2018 at 4:22 AM

    I learned how not to do it from my mother. Mom was a wonderful woman but when she and dad argued, she gave him the silent treatment for days at a time. Dad wasn’t like that at all. He waited it out, apologized, whatever. I hated those days between them. I didn’t want a marriage with the silent treatment as a factor.

    When we argue, we have it out verbally of course, fair fighting, then walk away for a few minutes and move on. It works for us. The needed change happens, apologies etc and the issue is done. We don’t rehash old issues, or use them as weapons either.

    I usually don’t react instantly to an issue. I cool down first then raise the point when I am rational, but I never let things go for more than a day. If I let things go, I figure that’s not caring enough to fight for the relationship and I do care.

    We are not perfect but we don’t use the silent treatment. Life is a work in progress.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dJuly 3, 2018 at 7:21 AM

      I really hate the silent treatment. My mom did that too. I used to but have given it up.

      Delete
  2. LollyJuly 3, 2018 at 6:37 AM

    Idk who taught me how to fight. My mother used to call me a bull-headed Irishman...whatever that means. Him and I have never been able to fight correctly. When I get mad I react instantly and start yelling, then he goes into atomic fight mode. That's when he drags out every-single-thing-that-has-ever-bothered-him-for-the-last-35-years-that-he-has-stuffed-way-down-and-never-told-me-about-and-now-would-be-a-good-time-to-spew-at-me. I will redirect him that we are talking about THIS now, not something from 30 years ago. It's as if he cannot (doesn't want to ) hear me. His ranting continues until I shut down and walk away with my original problem unresolved. Then we both give each other the silent treatment for days. It's an awful way to live, I tell ya.
    Is that TMI? I sometimes wonder how a body can walk around with all of that boiling inside of him all the time.
    I've said to him "Aren't you tired of it (meaning our marriage) always being so hard all the time?"
    He said yes.
    "Then how do we fix it?" I asked him. He said he didn't know.
    I think that I should go back to ALAnon. And I think he should try AA. He is sober but still angry.
    Thanks for opening that can of worms Linda. lol xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dJuly 3, 2018 at 7:20 AM

      That must be so frustrating Lolly. At times, marriage is a very hard thing.

      Delete
  3. Silver in AZJuly 3, 2018 at 7:06 AM

    It gets better with time. I promise. I carried a LOT of emotional baggage into this, my 3rd marriage. (to my credit, #2 was being remarried to #1.) A LOT of emotional baggage. It's best to be honest. Let your Scout know that you KNOW you are carrying baggage. That if you say or do things that are negative to him, and are signs of not fully trusting him, it's not necessarily because of anything HE has said or done; it's the baggage talking. It takes time, literally, TIME...to build trust and faith in another human after that has been damaged. Only time and patience can fix it. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Debra She Who SeeksJuly 3, 2018 at 8:09 AM

    I think very few people fight well in the full heat of conflict. I know I don't. The best technique I've found though is to not let the fight escalate. Usually that requires one or both people to leave the vicinity and discuss things later when cooler heads prevail.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Margaret (Peggy or Peg too)July 3, 2018 at 9:54 AM

    I ALWAYS remember I love him, it's the liking him during the fight that is the issue. Although we don't fight much and for some reason that seems to annoy people. When we finally do fight - it's not fun. But I refuse to walk, or have him walk. We went to counseling before we got married for this very reason.I didn't think he fought fair. I lived with him first. I told him I wouldn't marry him until he learned to fight fair/nicely. He laughed but said I'll do whatever it takes. It was the best thing we have ever done for each other. I realized I could push his buttons. I had to change that. So I guess you'd say we learned to fight from a counselor. But if I am being honest, Rick learned to fight, I am no different. He would say things during an argument that he would later say he didn't mean. OH NO, I will remember it even with Alzheimers. Can't do that. So he learned how to stop that. I learned to not push his buttons. So all in all, counseling before we got married was the key for us. I'm not a fighter and if one of us is angry we tell the other. Don't hold itin and let it vester and become big. Nothing that makes either of angry is sill to the other. Just 'cause it doesn't anger the other doesn't mean it isn't valid. Does that make sense Linda?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dJuly 3, 2018 at 10:16 AM

      Completely!!! I want what you have.

      Delete
    2. Margaret (Peggy or Peg too)July 3, 2018 at 11:55 AM

      I need to clone my Big Guy. I could then retire nicely. :-)...tee hee
      And you WILL have it.

      Delete
  6. JeanieJuly 4, 2018 at 9:44 AM

    I never learned how to fight. Ever. I was an only child and I didn't have to compete at home. My parents never fought (except about where to go out to eat, usually after we were already in the car and hungry). It's a disadvantage.

    ReplyDelete
  7. BirdieJuly 4, 2018 at 7:45 PM

    All I can say is I am dealing with this through extensive therapy and it’s not fun. It is about the most horrible thing I have ever faced.

    I have learned about two other things that go with the fight and flight. There is freeze and friend. The freeze is when you just, well freeze. The friend, theone I do, is take the abuse and try to befriend the other person, often at a great personal price.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dJuly 5, 2018 at 9:08 AM

      I had not heard of either of those. I NEVER friend....I always fight, like a terrier, I am scrappy, fast and pretty mean. Not proud, but, you and I, we are both trying, aren't we? Loads of people never even see themselves and never believe there is a need to do better. That's something to be proud of.

      Delete
  8. My life so farJuly 7, 2018 at 5:13 AM

    My dad yelled at everyone, stormed around the house and then drove off in a spray of gravel. Mum cried. The big guy and I used to fight when he was drinking which consisted of him yelling and me hiding in bed. I've yelled at him a few times but it's rare and often involves driving for some reason. He gets very stressed driving, especially in Vancouver. He's usually a very easy going guy but driving brings out the worst in him. It never lasts long but I hate fighting.

    ReplyDelete

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