A New Beginning

The Secret Keeper, who is apparently in a more stable phase of bi-polar 1 disorder, texted me to ask if he could wash the windows at our house. He seems to be trying to start a business and he wondered if he could get some experience by doing mine. He mentioned that he would give me a 50% discount.

I know I should be glad that he is trying to keep busy and support himself in any way possible. I'm not feeling that. There is a twisting in my stomach, a lump in my throat and spinning thoughts. Is that how guilt presents itself in physical form?

I want this broken man to do well...for my children, for himself.....and, maybe, for me, so that I don't feel so bad. How selfish of me!!! God, I am a selfish person.

We had a life together. We had 4 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a big beautiful home, 5 freakin cars, a silhouette of quail that returned yearly, two above average income jobs, a church and anything else you can think of that constitutes the strappings of a high-middle income family. That life is gone. What replaced it for me was a Boy Scout, growth, gratefulness, deepening and healthier relationships with my kids, a tiny little house that does not own my heart and a relationship with the God of my understanding. What replaced it for him was a spiral down of using, loneliness, lack of connection, behaviors counter productive to good health, meth, a bed in a sober living house and relationship behaviors typical of an addict. He loves his kids and they love him but.......he is no longer the dad they knew. Connection is hard to achieve and it seems to hurt when he is able, like a reminder of what once was.

Today I feel bad but it's not just about me.

Does anyone need their windows washed?

Comments

  1. ColetteOctober 18, 2017 at 10:01 AM

    I wish him the best. I think if I were you in your position I wouldn't want him washing my windows, though. I don't think it is selfish to look out for and protect yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dOctober 18, 2017 at 11:33 AM

      I am not afraid of him but I don’t think it does him well to see the evidence of me moving forward without him. I could be wrong. Nothing to do with mental illness makes sense.

      Delete
  2. BirdieOctober 18, 2017 at 1:23 PM

    Is there a proper emotion to feel after all you have been through? It takes a very, very long time to get past anger and disappointment. Those damn expectations get us every time. If you figure a way around them let me know because they are my single biggest character defect.

    ReplyDelete
  3. LollyOctober 18, 2017 at 2:40 PM

    Uh...gosh I hope you told him no to the window washing. (And I cleaned up my language for you, cuz my first thought was unfit for print or advice.) And there is nothing selfish about you not wanting him there. At least in my opinion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dOctober 19, 2017 at 10:26 AM

      The "NO" was a given. I don't think it is any better for him than it is for me to have him hanging around our house. Thanks Lolly♥

      Delete
  4. Marie SmithOctober 18, 2017 at 3:06 PM

    I know what would work for me, Linda. I'd have to make the break and stay away and say no to him. I don't think it would be selfish to do that. You have to take care of you! Putting yourself first in this situation is not selfish, it's healthy.

    ReplyDelete
  5. bailiOctober 18, 2017 at 11:57 PM

    You are so sensitive and generous dear Linda!
    otherwise there is no reason to think of you as selfish .

    you are beautiful person with loving heart and it is your right to protect yourself from such pain that can give you when you face him again .

    i think there is huge sense of guilt and regret behind this offer or he (God forbid) he wants to hurt you more but this is just an assumption due to read of your profile writing came in my mind.
    i loved the serene theme of your blog my friend!
    May your heart be at such calmness and lightness ,amen

    ReplyDelete
  6. JonoOctober 19, 2017 at 10:52 AM

    I can't imagine. Well, yes I can on a lot of it. Glad you are moving along and I hope he is, too.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Silver in AZOctober 19, 2017 at 1:10 PM

    You have to protect yourself! Like they tell you on airplanes, in the event of an emergency, put YOUR life vest on/use YOUR air mask first, then assist others. Because you can't effectively assist others if you are in jeopardy yourself. No guilt!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dOctober 20, 2017 at 7:21 AM

      Ugh. I wish it were that easy. The brain says one thing and the heart says another.

      Delete
  8. ShadowOctober 20, 2017 at 11:01 AM

    Ugh, the mind that runs away into the deep darkness, I have been on a few of those rides myself and can only say, hang in there, nothing lasts forever, hugs and love

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

What do you have to say about that?

Popular posts from this blog

A Journey To Home

Image
My tender hearted girl decided she wanted to foster an old lady. Selkie is 14, is nearly deaf and nearly blind, has a hard time walking and uses her bark to get her needs met.  She got her home, took her for a bath and then basically loved this old girl for three weeks until the property manager decided that it wasn’t a good match (barking too much AND because she is a pit bull).  My girl knew it was probably temporary but she gave that dog a comfortable loving home, away from the chaos of the shelter, for a short time.  Ideally, she would have walked her home but that’s not how it worked this time.  Last night she stood and ugly cried on a strangers shoulder after giving her back.  I love that girl and her sweet heart.  I wish Selkie a new final home full of love. 
Read more

Private Eye

Image
We pass by the house frequently since it sits on a busy thoroughfare. We know to look every time we pass and guess what will we see. Will it be the two Dalmatians, sitting on the couch that backs up to the giant panel window, waiting for their human to come home? Or will it be their human, sitting slightly to the right of middle (allowing for a better view of the giant mounted tv across the room) of the said couch. They are never there at the same time. It’s one or the other. One sleepless night, when my body was willing but my brain was not, I did a little sleuthing. It’s amazing what you can find out about a complete stranger.   His name is Gary and, from what I can tell, he’s never been married. He has worked his way up in a air duct company. He’s now the senior VP but it’s a small company and he still goes out on jobs, judging from  the reviews on Yelp. I know he has two siblings and that their father passed away in 2018. His memorial was held in a Buddhist temple and Gary...
Read more

Go!

Image
 Vai. E, se der medo, vai con medo mesmo. When one is raised in an angry family, it’s not enough to say I don’t want to be angry. You must learn how to do it differently. That’s no easy task. If judgment and self hatred became a way of life, a new way to live has to be taught. There are many ways to do it. Reading, writing, sharing, practicing all help the change. Counseling, psychoanalysis, religion, meditation, gratitude, have the ability to transform but I needed to see it in action, it needed to be more tangible, visual, accessible. I needed to understand the possibilities. There is a YouTube channel that I watch over and over again in order to absorb how to live more fully, more open and from the heart. One of the first episodes that I stumbled on is this…. The channel is Reflections of Life and through it we get to meet people who are doing life a little differently, often more soul based. People who are living life, healing wounds and finding what is truly important.  I...
Read more