Day One
Today is an anniversary of sorts. What took place exactly three years ago today seems like yesterday and a life time ago at the same time.
I woke at 4:00 am and went into the bathroom in the house that held my heart. I'm unhappy as usual; life had been spiraling out of control. While in there my then husbands charging phone lights up. I look and see a picture. It's a young woman, a red head. She is smiling at me, proudly sharing her perfect cantaloupe size breasts along with everything else. I'm shaking as I scroll back and realize that my husband, my once best friend, was using porn on his phone. A lot of it. That may be normal in some relationships but it had not been part of ours.
I woke him and an argument ensues. His increasingly crazy behavior happened so slowly that by this particular day, a Friday, it was simply nuts and I'm left feeling confused and constantly wondering what the hell is going on. I tell him I know he's not attending his AA meetings. I've checked. I told him I know he's not working as many hours he says he has been. I've checked. It gets ugly. 5:30 am comes around and, as I am still holding the proof of his transgressions, I tell him Joe the plumber is texting asking him if he is still coming. I inquire who Joe the plumber is and he says it's a guy the he meets with to go over AA stuff. Really??? Never once mentioned his name? More ugly words, he's crying, he finally grabs his phone and leaves but never shows up to work. I know, I checked.
The day unfolds. I sit and talk with three of the kids. At least two of them had walked in on him watching porn long after I've gone to bed. No one had mentioned that to me. My husband is not answering his phone or texts except sending some crazy shit about guilt and wanting to end his life but we can't find him. We go through his laptop and find that he has been emailing women, perusing Craigslist for hookups etc etc etc. The more we look, the worse it gets. We spend the day trying to piece our lives into a complete puzzle but there are too many missing pieces. Phone records are what does him in. Hundreds and thousands of texts! The man with no friends had hundreds of texts to numbers we did not know. We start to search them. Some don't show up but others do. I stand over my sons shoulders as they find out their beloved father had been engaged in a pretty regular, for lack of a better word, relationship with Laura, a rough looking bleach blond, large fake boobs, tattoos, pictured on the "escort" service she uses, that is connected to the phone number on the bill I pay, I FUCKING PAY! She smiles at me coyly from the computer. Mocking me as she poses in her high heels, her perfect ass hanging out of the yellow string bikini that has tiny strips of material covering only her nipples.
The day ends with all four of us angry, confused and worried. The man does not come home and his texts grow crazier and more unintelligible. We all go to bed but I don't think anyone slept.
I'm told if we still need to talk about it, it means we are still grieving. This just may be the last time though.
To be continued....
I woke at 4:00 am and went into the bathroom in the house that held my heart. I'm unhappy as usual; life had been spiraling out of control. While in there my then husbands charging phone lights up. I look and see a picture. It's a young woman, a red head. She is smiling at me, proudly sharing her perfect cantaloupe size breasts along with everything else. I'm shaking as I scroll back and realize that my husband, my once best friend, was using porn on his phone. A lot of it. That may be normal in some relationships but it had not been part of ours.
I woke him and an argument ensues. His increasingly crazy behavior happened so slowly that by this particular day, a Friday, it was simply nuts and I'm left feeling confused and constantly wondering what the hell is going on. I tell him I know he's not attending his AA meetings. I've checked. I told him I know he's not working as many hours he says he has been. I've checked. It gets ugly. 5:30 am comes around and, as I am still holding the proof of his transgressions, I tell him Joe the plumber is texting asking him if he is still coming. I inquire who Joe the plumber is and he says it's a guy the he meets with to go over AA stuff. Really??? Never once mentioned his name? More ugly words, he's crying, he finally grabs his phone and leaves but never shows up to work. I know, I checked.
The day unfolds. I sit and talk with three of the kids. At least two of them had walked in on him watching porn long after I've gone to bed. No one had mentioned that to me. My husband is not answering his phone or texts except sending some crazy shit about guilt and wanting to end his life but we can't find him. We go through his laptop and find that he has been emailing women, perusing Craigslist for hookups etc etc etc. The more we look, the worse it gets. We spend the day trying to piece our lives into a complete puzzle but there are too many missing pieces. Phone records are what does him in. Hundreds and thousands of texts! The man with no friends had hundreds of texts to numbers we did not know. We start to search them. Some don't show up but others do. I stand over my sons shoulders as they find out their beloved father had been engaged in a pretty regular, for lack of a better word, relationship with Laura, a rough looking bleach blond, large fake boobs, tattoos, pictured on the "escort" service she uses, that is connected to the phone number on the bill I pay, I FUCKING PAY! She smiles at me coyly from the computer. Mocking me as she poses in her high heels, her perfect ass hanging out of the yellow string bikini that has tiny strips of material covering only her nipples.
The day ends with all four of us angry, confused and worried. The man does not come home and his texts grow crazier and more unintelligible. We all go to bed but I don't think anyone slept.
I'm told if we still need to talk about it, it means we are still grieving. This just may be the last time though.
To be continued....
Have you ever read my blogging buddy Elsie Amata's blog? She's the partner of a sex addict and has written a book about her experiences in healing from it called "Steps Along My Shore." Her blog is at https://helpingpartnersofsexaddictsheal.org
ReplyDeleteI shall. Thank you ♥
DeleteOh Linda. That saying, "If you're going through hell, keep on going," comes to mind. That's what you've done though. Keep on going, you'll get there!
ReplyDeleteNo longer going through it. Just learning how to live life like a normal person.
DeleteWhat a terrible time for all of you. I can only imagine the grief and pain.
ReplyDeleteHistory but it's mine and I still need to talk.
DeleteReading this brought to mind the lyrics,
ReplyDelete"Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday."
Blindsided, indeed. I absolutely cannot imagine what this has done to your heart and soul and spirit. I am in awe of your strength and endurance as a human.
You are brave. The real brave. Brave when just thinking about taking a step takes almost all your strength. And yet, her you are with so many steps behind you that you've lost count.
Not remotely brave Birdie. But want life to be better so I keep trying hard.
DeleteThat is brave. It is.
DeleteI will take that from one of the bravest people I know. Thank you♥
DeleteDear Linda - I only discovered you because you recently visited my blog. I could not imagine anything so soul destroying as you experienced three years ago.
ReplyDeleteThank goodness you had the courage, the will and the strength to continue happily with your life.
I am sure that by sharing this difficult time it will help others too.
Life has gotten tremendously better. Thank you so much for reading.
DeleteHow incredibly traumatic that day must have been for you and your kids. You all deserved better.
ReplyDeleteWe are all doing better. Even my ex-husband is doing better than he was. I am grateful.
DeleteIsn't it amazing, when you look back at all that crazy crazy shit, isn't it amazing that any of you, them, we, us survived? Every once in a while I re-visit my past just to remind myself how lucky we are to have survived those awful years.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly why I started my blog. I wanted to make sure I continued to move forward. We survived lolly girl. Not perfectly, maybe not as well as we dreamed, but we did.
DeleteWhat a terrible time for all of you. I can only imagine the grief and pain.
ReplyDeleteหีฟิต