Learning to Love

In my early teens, like a lot of girls, I really wanted was a boyfriend.

Boyfriends proved to be elusive. I was skinny and awkward and angry. I was sporting and still sport my glorious ALMOST "A's".  I had a tiny waist but that didn't help matters because my hips were only about an inch bigger than my waist, hence my frequent comparison of my figure to that of a 12 year old boy. I was a speedy and competitive tomboy that guys considered their buddy if they considered me at all.

Once, at a friend’s house, there were a group of kids hanging out. Somehow, because my memory is very foggy, everyone broke off in pairs. How I ended up with a kid that I didn't know and cannot come up with a name or face, is beyond me. What I do know is that we kissed but very little and I was utterly uncomfortable. SAVED by my girlfriends’ mother who came out to bring sodas, I was able to extricate myself from the situation and felt I had dodged a bullet. Relieved about the whole thing until the next day, I found out that the guy was going around bragging to his friends that he and I engaged in a sexual act that I, being rather naive, had not even heard of let alone participated in. A few days home "sick" helped alleviate some of the embarrassment but a excellent case of hepatitis A very soon after cured what ailed me. I missed the last two months of 8th grade and started at a new high school, never seeing any of the kids that I had grown up with again.

Now a days, I am learning to love the idea of myself with or without a man in my life. I know now that I have been looking for someone (even way back in JR high school) to tell me I'm ok and that they will never leave me. People can't promise that, but I can! I can promise to be true to myself, to do things that make me healthy, to do for others out of love and not for some sad reason of hoping I will be loved or accepted more. 

It's good to know why I made the mistakes; now it's time to change the behavior.