An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

In my early teens, like a lot of girls, I really wanted was a boyfriend. Boyfriends proved to be elusive. I was skinny and awkward and angry. I was sporting and still sport my glorious ALMOST "A's".  I had a tiny waist but that didn't help matters because my hips were only about an inch bigger than my waist, hence my frequent comparison of my figure to that of a 12 year old boy. I was a speedy and competitive tomboy that guys considered their buddy if they considered me at all. Once, at a friend’s house, there were a group of kids hanging out. Somehow, because my memory is very foggy, everyone broke off in pairs. How I ended up with a kid that I didn't know and cannot come up with a name or face, is beyond me. What I do know is that we kissed but very little and I was utterly uncomfortable. SAVED by my girlfriends’ mother who came out to bring sodas, I was able to extricate myself from the situation and felt I had dodged a bullet. Relieved about the wh...

trust noun 1 . firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. "relations have to be built on trust" synonyms: confidence ,  belief ,  faith ,  certainty ,  assurance ,  conviction ,  credence ; reliance "good relationships are built on trust" 2 . LAW confidence placed in a person by making that person the nominal owner of property to be held or used for the benefit of one or more others. Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship. For those of us who have been damaged by betrayal in our distant or recent pasts, trust has to be a deliberate choice. It doesn't come natural; it requires vulnerability and a transparency that can be hard to give to others. It can be even harder for some t...

Do you lie? If you do, do you know why you do it?  Do you know someone that does? Everyone lies, at least a little, whether to themselves or others. I've got a ton of work to go but, thankfully, refraining from lying is not one of the things in which I have to put a ton of effort. Unfortunately, I find myself skint on trust which can make lying a real problem for me.  It's good to remember that I am only responsible to how I react to the lies. I cannot fix the liar....thank God.....my plate is full working on me.

I have a favorite restaurant. Luckily my man, who introduced me to it, likes it a lot too, so we go there quite frequently. The restaurant name is  Taqueria Tepatitlan  but everyone just calls it Juan's. Juan has got to one be the sweetest men ever. I am not sure of his age but I am sure he is older than he looks. His round smiling face is without a line, his big dimples are ever present. He knows most everyone that enters the doors and greets me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek each time we see him. I come away from each hug with the lingering scent of Juan's cologne. In addition to his ever present smile, Juan is a pretty good golfer and a great sport. As the Boy Scout likes to say, you learn a lot about a man after 4 hours on the golf course and I ended up liking Juan even more after the game was over. His restaurant is fairly small, divided into two sections and has 6 good size televisions which never cease playing one sport or another. Juan is a die-hard San Diego ...

Memories I cherish. Middle and high school was not especially happy for me. We were dealing with the abandonment by our father, were fairly poor, had to leave the only home I had ever known and found ourselves a family of 3 that had once been 8. We did not have a driver until I turned 16 (my mom did not learned to drive until she was 52) and were at the mercy of family members to get us to wherever the bus would not. For quite awhile, my poor mother would take 3 buses to work at a fire restoration company. She would get a group of workers together, go to a home that had had a fire, then she and her team would pack the house from top to bottom. She basically moved every single day and then took 3 buses home again. Lordy my heart ached for her. She often came home, blackened with ash and soot, then head straight for the bathroom. Once she got settled in the tub, I would come and sit on the pot and we would chat; sometimes a lot and sometimes a little, depending on how tired she was....

Nothing to say, bruised and battered (figuratively) So I will be grateful: for the desire to change. for the knowledge that I am not crazy. for this incredible rain. for my conscience that tells me right from wrong. for the hard work I've done to get where I am. when the knot in my stomach eases. for remembering I have the ability to take care of myself.  for my body that encapsulates my soul and keeps me moving for a silly dog that can make me smile in bad times. for Mexican Food!!! the rain again. loving and wonderful kids. for Jacuzzis for a flawed man. for a good counselor. for the reminder that "GRATEFUL"  can change the day. did I mention rain? So the knot is smaller, more manageable. Have yourself a great day.

Do you ever feel like there are angels that walk among us? I do...sometimes. I can remember being tiny and encountering a woman in a store that helped me find my mom. I was scared but being quiet; I wasn't crying but, somehow, she knew. I was afraid of strangers in general, never being an overly trusting soul, but not of her.  I spotted my mom, oblivious that I was missing, and walked up to her side. When I looked back for my angel, she was gone. There was a guy that struck up a conversation while I ate alone one night 5 or 6 years ago. Lonely and wondering if things would ever change, he started chatting in a casual and innocuous way. He asked a few questions and was very positive; he connected well. We talked for 20 or 30 minutes. He reminded me that it was a beautiful day and that we lived in a gorgeous city. He shared and met me where I was. I walked away from that restaurant with a lighter heart. My girl was telling me how recently, when she sat at the hospital with h...

The drama continues but it doesn't have to be drama, does it? The Secret Keeper got out of the hospital yesterday after 10 days. I cannot tell you exactly what was wrong with him as I did not speak to a doctor. I do know that he was on a binge (and not food) before going in and I do know that he needed dialyses at least once while there. Otherwise, I have pretty much left it up to my girls to make decisions and let me know whatever they choose. That's a hard thing to do for a recovering control freak but I did OK. My sister (the nurse) on the other hand, was inundating me with questions and peppering me with advice for a person we have no influence over. It was out of caring but it was not remotely helpful and added to the stress.  Yesterday I had a HUGE (picture Donald Trump with duck lips) and vivid reminder of how life was before my marriage ended. The Secret Keeper called me to tell me he was getting out of the hospital...he left a message, he called again....he l...

IN THE LAST TWO YEARS I: Sold my home Moved twice Bought a house Slept alone Ended my marriage Fell in love Let go of all my children Installed a garbage disposal and light fixture Gave up a dream Learned to forgive Found a church home Developed empathy Became a better friend I STILL NEED TO: Heal my soul Learn to trust Let go of fear Walk closer to God Be a better friend Have faith that it'll all be OK