An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

The dark clouds are lifting and I am starting to feel a bit better. The sadness has mellowed and I am trying not to think about the “what if’s” and the “yeah, but’s”. Those things will kill you. We are taking a trip on Friday. The California Gold country is a beautiful place and really special at Christmas time. We will start in the south in Jamestown and work our way as high as we want. Looking forward to visiting the town where my father, John Pendleton Brumby, lived in up until his death a few years back. Going to visit his grave site  and drive by his old house in a town called Groveland (a hop and a skip from Yosemite National Park) and drive through my old summer childhood stomping ground Big Oak Flat (which has a tiny store, a post office and maybe a gas station). Staying at a VRBO that is fairly reasonably priced….points from my credit card covered the house entirely..WOOT! It’ll be a bit chilly for me (highs in the low 50’s) as I am a fair weather girl but, hop...

I'm feeling a little empty inside, numb. I know it will pass but for now it lingers, following me in my day and disturbing my slumber. People will let you down...I know I let my people down all the time. But some will excuse and justify, apologize and minimize. I'm feeling the pressure to put a decent size hurt behind me;  as if one good action cancels out a bad one. It is my heart that has to come to terms with the pain and disappointment. I suppose in the fullness of time it will be able to do just that...pack it away in a box and tie a pretty ribbon around it.  I won't just forget, I certainly won't downplay the incident. I used to do that before and that didn't work out all that well. I'm done being the proverbial ostrich. I'm finished pretending that actions do not speak far louder than words. Have you ever gotten to know someone and realize that things just don't add up? Red and yellow flags fly up in conversations that lack consistenc...

My program is not working. Not today. I've forgotten I am powerless. I've forgotten no expectations. I've turned my back on the idea of turning my life over to my Higher Power.  I've stopped "T.H.I.N.K.ing and thrown the "Q TIP" in the trash. My STEPS are moving backwards.  Tomorrow will be better. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Acceptance time has arrived. I will do what I have to do to keep my insides at peace but I will not be joining them. I will continue to believe in and honor the people in my life who: Value diversity and recognize that it enriches us all Know that woman and girls are not objects to be used, fondled or leered at arbitrarily without respect for their person-hood. Understand that in this world, not everyone has been given the same opportunities. There are those who need our help. There are those who deserve our compassion. Recognize that healthcare is a basic need and that this country of ours is more than capable of providing it. I could go on but I won't. Peace to you too and have a wonderful day.

Too heartbroken and sad to even talk about it, so I'll talk about my yard instead. We had a major trimming take place. It was way over due. The place was over grown when I purchased it and the drought has not done it any favors in the last year and 1/2. Front - after Front - before Corner - before Corner - after Side - After Side - before So very grateful for the help of a dear friend. I could have never done this on my own.  The pics don't do it justice but it needed a good cleaning and it got one.  Maybe now, I can go in and make a plan. I've grown to love this little place and I've fallen in love inside this little place. Looking forward to the future.....to see how it all unfolds for us and for this jungle we call home.

What a perfect weekend!  Saturday golf with a new friend in beautiful Southern California (mid 80's and a light breeze), an art showing right after and a easy Sunday with the farmers market, a little companionable yard work, a fabulous dinner and a Broncos game to top it off. As I am writing this, it is not lost on me that just two 1/2 years ago I was living in utter chaos. I felt trapped, angry and sad most of the time. What a difference a year or two makes. I have to tell you though, it is not just the Boy Scout that has made the difference. He is amazing and I feel incredibly blessed to have him in my life but he did not cause the change. I would not be able to enjoy any of this new life without putting in a lot of hard work in Al-Anon and counseling. The hardest part of remaking my life has been a day in and day out attempt at changing default thinking. The natural tilt I had developed to the negative...the underlying anger and hurt that controlled the way I reacted ...

How old are you and, more importantly, how old do you feel? I had a fun talk the other day with a shopkeeper in a funky little clothing shop. She was a bit older than me, perhaps 60, with a cute hair cut with bangs and shoulder length. We exchanged greetings and then, out of the blue, I inquired if I could ask her a personal question. I'm so curious about this whole aging thing but it feels mysterious to me. I see gals my age in their Talbots or conservative clothing...their fancy jewelry and cropped hairdos and I cannot relate. It's not that I don't think they are beautiful. It just seems as if I am still waiting to grow up. I love my jeans, anything kinda BOHO, casual shoes and funky jewelry....but mostly I still love my long hair. I asked her if she ever wondered if there was a time when it was no longer appropriate. She got it!! She knew exactly what I was talking about. Nobody wants to be that really strange person from early memories that reminded you of...

Before Back in June, a dear old friend had offered to do an amazing thing. In his semi-retirement, he puts in new bathrooms for friends in need. His dad was a plumber and I think he uses this endeavor to help his friends, feel close to his father and brother and to stay pretty fit. During At the time, my teeny, two bedroom/one bath house held 3 ½ people. This friend proposed to add a decent sized master bath off the back of my bedroom and then add a utility bath/laundry room off the back of the garage and then gut my horrible existing bath and do a makeover. Well, in a perfect world that would have worked out great but, and that's a big BUT, the city "Historical Society" got wind of the changes to my 1920 Spanish style and wanted to have their input before the planning committee had its say. Needless to say time passed and passed. Finally, in an effort to get anything done, my friend asked if he could start with the existing bath, promising that it would be ...