Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Not My Circus, Not My Monkey

I am #5 of 6 kids and I use the term "kids" loosely. My oldest sister is 63 and my younger brother is 51. We are a tight knit group except for one. My brother John, who is 55, has been the black sheep since day one. He has been in and out of our lives and when he is in, it is usually difficult or strained at best.

Our mom instilled inside of each of us an intense loyalty. She never verbalized it but it is there just the same. All four of us girls are very close and we adore our "baby" brother. And even though we love him, John is another story. He was the one that ran with the "bad" crowd in school. He was the one that my teachers would scowl about when they heard my last name on the first day of school. He and my mom were escorted by a police officer to sign him up for the military before he came of was that or juvie.

Thinned skinned and negative, he has lived with nearly every one of us for a period of time, here and there. Because they were broke, John, his German wife and their little one lived with one sister for months in their tiny home until showing up with a brand new motorcycle.  Of course, when she asked him to leave, he was the victim, she was the bad guy. He lived with my grandmother for many, many months and then left his daughter for my grandmother to raise for a good year. He burned bridges with other family members too. Always the victim, everyone is out to get him. To be fair though, I will say that when my mothers ovarian cancer worsened, he came home and helped as we all cared for her the best we could. He was amazing with my mom and I will be forever grateful for that.

Yesterday, on Facebook, in between his extremist political rants and memes, he messaged something to the effect of "You win world....I wanna fucking die".  Honestly, I just assumed it was because Hillary came out somewhat above The Don in the debate.....a part of me still believes that. But apparently his daughter says he is not doing well. Depressed and "unloved his entire life." 

Smart and sarcastic, I love my brother (we all do) but honestly, I don't want him in my life again. Inviting him in means anger, drama, eggshells and difficulty. Lord, I wish he knew that there is a better way to live. If there is one thing I have learned in the last two years, through experience and Al-Anon is good boundaries. I think I'll keep them where they are for now and see how things progress.

ps. Reached out and got a response....must say, I am not surprised.


  1. Whoa! His response! Yes. Very much a victim but even more so , mean. I am proud of you for knowing your boundaries. That is a hard thing when you love someone who is toxic.

    I didn't know your mom had ovarian cancer. My mom did too. She died 5 years ago yesterday.

    1. 10 years ago in December. She fought for 7 years. It was amazing to have all 6 of us come together and support her. Each of us did what we could do best and it all worked out.

      I'm sorry about your mom sweetie. So hard to not have them, isn't it?


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