Wednesday, September 14, 2016

A New Pair of Glasses

It's my birthday and a good time to reflect back just two 1/2 short years ago.

What I remember most is fear. After the cops came and the SWAT team came and the Secret Keeper yelled and screamed at me, the kids and the cops, from the roof of the building.....fear became my constant sidekick. 

First and foremost, I feared the Secret Keeper. Looking back now, I think it was inappropriate but maybe not....but he did scare me then. I worried for my kids’ emotional well being...and whether they would question the choices I made. My job was somewhat inter-connected with the Secret Keepers and it felt precarious (it was not, but the voices in my head didn't agree). I worried about judgment from our community and how that judgment would affect both me and the kids. The idea that my financial future was partially in control of a very mentally sick man kept my stomach in twists so that eating and sleeping were impossible.

Something I have learned since then was that I was choosing fear. My mind automatically when to the "worst case scenario" instead of anything good. I did not say to myself, "Let's look for the positives in this situation." Every bad thing went through my head minute after minute. One thing would work itself out and I would dwell on the next. 

If I were honest, I, at times in the previous 3 or 4 years, had wished that man dead. Ashamedly, in my loneliness and confusion, I wished he would have a bad car accident or the likes, so that I could be free. Now I know that was the chicken way out. I didn't want to be the one who gave up in the marriage that I promised to stay in sickness and in health. His condition, which he carefully hid from all of us, was far worse than we ever expected but he was very "sick". Aside from his illness, it had been years and years since we had had an interesting conversation. I relied on the kids to fill that place in my head that longed for a daily dialog consisting of more than "How was your day?" or "What shall we do this weekend?” As the kids started to leave, one by one, I looked ahead into the years to come with a sick feeling.

That was then.

I have learned about fear and shame. I have done my Al-Anon work. I have read and reacted and got counseling. The fear is still there but there is a buffer and that buffer is getting bigger and better. There is so much beauty in this world even in the darkest of times you can find it.


Please don't keep your fear glasses on.

4 comments:

  1. One of the things I love about blogging is being able to look back at personal growth. And girl, look at how much you've grown!

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    1. Move forward, backward and forward again. I guess that is better than completely stagnant. You are right though.....we get to look back and see.

      This was an excerpt from my very first post. "My first post.......5 years from now I will look back at this post and love this damaged, hurting lady but will take pride in the fact that she kept moving forward, looking for happiness and knowing that she found within herself...an Invincible Summer."

      I've moved more than I expected to so that's a good thing. Love this community when, at its best, lifts each other up and laughs and cries together.

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  2. Happy Birthday Linda! I feel like this post was written just for me. I do wear fear glasses all the time. Especially lately with my daughter having preeclampsia and my sick little dog that seems to get sicker every day. Yesterday a strange man walked down our street accosting and yelling at dogs and throwing the neighborhood garbage cans around. He gave me the creeps so badly that I made sure all our doors were locked. For some reason my buffers are getting smaller and I'm not sure why. Thanks for a great post that has got me thinking and wanting to get to the root of my fear.

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    1. Thanks for the wishes Lolly girl.

      You've some scary things going on so don't be to hard on yourself. The biggest thing I have learned is that my fearful thinking is bad a habit. Hyper-focusing on the bad even when that doesn't change it one bit and forgetting about the good as if the bad stuff invalidates anything good. Making myself anxious a good part of the time. Ah well, I keep trying. I hope you do too.

      Have a great day lady.

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