Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Goodbye to Fear

The papers have been served and, unless I am mistaken, if there are no issues, I could be divorced as early as September 10th. I would love to NOT celebrate my 30th anniversary.

You would think there would be nothing but happiness but that is not the case. Very bittersweet. In my heart I know this is the only answer but I find myself wishing there were other options available. I know that I deserve this divorce and that it is the healthiest thing for me but it feels selfish. It still feels like abandoning a sick person to the mercy of an angry ocean, being thrust back and forth by a force that he cannot control.

Perhaps I am giving him too little credit or maybe I am giving myself way more than I should.  Like a true Al-Anon, I think that somehow I could make this situation better. Closing my eyes with a wry grin, I remind myself of the years of useless attempts to change behaviors. Remembering that it was self delusion that told me I could impact the actions of this person who could not be honest with anyone on this planet or in the heavens above.

Beyond that, knowing that it is not my job to change or control anyone but me is true freedom. Pretty sure that my kids appreciate the acquisition of this knowledge more than they let on. Crazy Mom calms down!!!

Last nights ACA meeting was great. We discussed the Road to Recovery 20 questions. Love the reminder that when the anxiety starts up I need to pull out my tools. The fear was a learned behavior and, hopefully, will become a thing of the past. No longer living in daily anxiousness but rejoicing in each day, living for each blessed moment.

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations! and I'm sorry. They both seem to be appropriate responses. I always thought that I too could fix everything that was a mess... from him to me to the kids... You know when things started to get better? When I let go. Alanon was a life saver, a game changer for me. You too, huh?


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