An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Life is good....there is always, always, always something to be grateful for. Knowing that in your head and keeping it in your heart are two different things. As this lesson becomes imprinted upon my heart, my blog changes its nature. Slowly, it shifts focus from the heartache to the blessings. At the onset, I needed this place to think things through, to connect with people with similar struggles, to document my brokenness and, hopefully, to see progress. More time goes by between entries as I reach higher for the whole person God intended. Without my High Power, I flounder. Without His mercy, this girl would still be raging and causing harm in this world. The past may have been painful, but it is gone now and the time to create a better future is here. I found the following to be helpful in every day life, not just when there is substance abuse present. Accept what is.  While it is understandable to wish things were different, know that you are not alone, that family subs...

A phone call....it starts out pleasant enough, although I wish I didn't need to make it. "I have some mail for you," I tell him.  "You should probably change your address at the doctors office and the lab." "Oh, ok...no problem."  He goes on to explain a few other things.  He actually sounds really good.  Completely coherent and present, unlike so many times in the past year. "Also, I need to get the information on the accounts you opened at the bank after we separated, " I told him.  "They need that on the court documents." Hesitantly he asks if I am still going through with it. He tells me how hard he has been working. He tells me that he had hoped I had changed my mind.  I tell him that I love him but that we can't be together, that I can love him more freely this way. I can wish him only the best when I am not feeling the hateful resentment that daily reminders would inevitably stir up in me. Voice cracking, he ho...

This morning, on my walk, I was remembering the complete paralyzing fear I had in those initial days.  I was drowning in it, unable to stop the recording in my head. Witnessing the pain of my poor children as the SWAT team lead my Secret Keeper away, the loss of a good portion of our income and our health insurance, possible loss of my home, dealing with a sick, scary person, the alienation of valued friends, the costs of the impending medical bills, being alone. And then a jolt of shock! I don't live in that place anymore. Those memories have lost their power. The rest of the walk was spent recognizing the beauty around me and the gift of another wonderful day. The dread and anger and hate have all slowly ebbed; replaced by empowerment, understanding and empathy.  Not completely but for the most part. The fear is the hardest part because, as an ACA, it is a part of my very nature, deeply ingrained. But awareness is half the battle because you don't know what you don...

My desire to keep growing is tremendous. I want to continue my spiritual journey with an ever growing dependence on my God for all that is needed in life. Applying the principles I have learned, allowing me to be open minded and forgiving, to myself and others. Thus far, I have used my newly acquired tools as a way to cope with the craziness in my world. Now I want to learn to wear them like a second skin. Recognizing the people and events that are hindering growth is important but hard....very hard. I'm in need of a good dose of discernment. On another subject, next weekend our family celebrates baby Gavin. This boy is a miracle in so many ways. He entered this world so early and scarcely over one pound.  He fought a hard battle to be here. In addition, his mom and dad tried for years and years to get pregnant. Finally carrying a baby to full term and losing baby Faith in birth.....the heartbreak was unspeakable. Now he is here and we rejoice as a family. We will be together...

Learning about yourself and who you are is truly a step-by-step process, one day at a time. It is a journey of self-discovery against the backdrop of grieving the end of a marriage. There will be moments of excitement and joy contrasted with moments of deep sadness over the letting go of a life that is no more ~J Daniels As I walk this journey and as I feel that I might be coming out on the other side, no truer words have been spoken than the ones above. All the emotions had to be felt, all the tears had to be shed. J. Daniels shared this little spark of wisdom but she shared so much more with me. She slowly and tenderly showed me how to reach, deep within, and find something more than that person I had crafted to fit into the crazy life I had been given. She gave me the hope of a better tomorrow and helped reveal a person who loved life, who was not always filled with fear and who found wonder in connecting with new people. I can now love more abundantly than I ev...

Woke up feeling so grateful that it brought tears to my eyes. This journey has been long and drawn out and, at the same time, lightning fast. So, quickly I  made a list which I try to do daily. It looked something like this. I am so freaking thankful for; My God for having mercy on this flawed lady. Abundantly blessing me way beyond what I deserve. My mentee, who turned out to be the mentor. Only God knew how much I needed a recovered, hard of hearing, addict to help me through. A tiny old house to call my own....it whispered to me over a year ago.  Who knew we would reconnect. My sib's who, despite the fact that we are getting way too old to do it, show up to move, lift, carry and love me through the second move in 5 weeks. Kid 1,2,3 and 4, who make my heart soar. My dearest friend, who would rather sit in dog poop than.......oh wait, I probably shouldn't say but we had the best laugh over it. Trust me! My sponsor, who listens and loves me. She understands wha...