An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I've had a nagging suspicion regarding my love relationship for quite some time now. This morning I had a startling confirmation. Having just gotten back from a three day trip and being tired from lack of sleep, I slept in a bit (meaning I drug myself out of bed at 7am). Finishing up my shower and putting on my makeup, I was a bit chilly so I slipped on my pajama top. I'm bending over the counter top getting close to the mirror, allowing my mature eyes to better focus, which means parts of my anatomy were rather exposed.  The Boy Scout walks by and stops at the bathroom door. I pause to look at him and he gazes back for a second and then says, "You're t-shirt is on inside out." And keeps walking. Yuppers, the honeymoon is over.  On to the next phase.

My trip is coming to an end. My son is busy today but we fit in time for a quick breakfast. We were all too tired to do much chatting but it was still nice. I started feeling pretty melancholy at the idea of not seeing him for awhile and with the knowledge that this is now "home" to him. The scenery is gorgeous and I can see why he loves it so but it seems odd, him creating a new life that we sit only on the periphery. To many I guess it's seems normal but me and all but one of my sibs stayed very closely connected to our mother.  Home was always near her. As the ache in my heart tightened I remembered the past two days, the four special women that have built a relationship with my son. Two of them expressed the desire to adopt should I feel the need to abdicate my parental role. They sang his praises, appreciating him for the same things that I have missed in his absence. The engaging conversations, the desire to use his passions in computers and learning to make ...

3:00am wake up call.  A nice warm breakfast made and served by the Boy Scout. One hour to LAX is unheard of; it's taken in excess of three hours on occasion. All is well. But is it?  My anxiety rises as he gives me a sweet kiss and hug in the cool morning air. Off he goes with my Sophie sitting next to him. My counselor says that we all deserve someone we can trust but that implies that somewhere inside of me there is still a morsel of trust left. What do I trust these days?  Good question. I'll have to think that through.  I know that I need to detach and TRUST in me and know that whatever happens at any given time, I can trust that I will be there for myself and that should allow me some peace of mind. The fact of the matter is that men have let me down big time. There is the tape playing that says I'm not worthy of real love and consideration. I know it's not true logically but getting that message to my heart is work....hard work I'm going to focus...

Me and my Boy Scout The weekend was nice; the weather was great, perfect for a bike ride. We packed a picnic of cheese, bread, dried fruit, and some white wine then headed up to El Capitan State Beach . It was incredible out. Dolphins, whales and a seal were saying hello from just off shore. Met a guy that was riding his bike from San Francisco to San Diego...over 600 miles. I would love to do something like that. I am sure I have mentioned before that I am NOT a camper. I do not want to camp for camping sake but I would love to bike a nice long ride, moving from place to place, meeting new people and seeing the country a little more up close and intimate. El Capitan State Beach With all the fun, you would think that I would be blissfully happy but there is a feeling of discontent or anxiety right now. I am not sure what is going on but the world is not sitting well with me. I am heading to Portland Oregon tomorrow to see my son present his senior projects. He is about t...

One of my very favorite bloggers is John Gray with his blog  Going Gently . A few days or weeks back he talked of a quick encounter with a celebrity and asked about others encounters. I thought I'd share a few of my memories. Dub Taylor My dad was in the motion picture industry. Early on, he did stunts, later he drove and operated the generator truck the powered up locations spots. Being that we were a big family we did not always go with him when he traveled but there were a few times. He worked on a movie called Nashville (he worked quite a few Robert Altman movies), where I mostly remember the biggest mosquitoes I'd ever seen. I saw the stars but really didn't know who they were. There was a movie called Junior Bonner that was filmed in Prescott Arizona, I have wonderful memories of that time. We stayed on what was then Prescott College campus, ate in the school cafeteria where I was first introduced to self serve sodas (a novel idea at the time) and rode the ca...

Life is kind of interesting.  I have been working "my program" to one degree or another for the last 2 1/2 years. There have been times when I thought it was a complete waste of time. When I would finish raging over something, anything.....I would be completely exhausted and filled with shame, guilt, remorse and, most importantly, self loathing. I blamed, coerced and shamed the ones around me too but, inside, it was a complete lack of self love. Don't get me wrong...in between those times I was a pretty decent person, caring for the welfare of others, loving, affectionate, and thoughtful. But those qualities could disappear rapidly when uneasiness or anxiety, that always lurked in the background, flared. Slowly, and I mean slowly, that has changed. I don't know when the tides started turning but they did. The raging has dissipated, the fears have lessened; I have a new perspective. There are times that my fearful thinking kicks in but now I am aware of it ...

To all my friends that are cat lovers,  yesterday my daughter and I went to see the Turkish documentary  Kedi I seriously could not wipe the smile off my face. It is set in Istanbul and you will have to recognize and give room for the cultural differences in how animals are treated in general but this documentary had a sweetness that is simply irresistible. We are introduced to Sari, Bengu, Psikopat (the psychopath), Deniz and Duman (among others). We get to know them personally, or as personally as you can possibly know a cat, as well as the people love them. Loved one of the quotes, "It is said that cats are aware of God's existence. While dogs think that people are God, cats don't. They just know better." Fun getting to know the wonderful creatures and the people who love them. Kedi   is well   worth the trip to your little neighborhood independent theater.

I have made and, for the most part, kept my commitment to keep my Facebook page free from any political statements, rants, subversive comments or even innuendo. It is not how I choose to use Facebook. But this is my blog....this IS MY BLOG. I haven't said much here but it should not be construed as lack of involvement or caring. I just have to say this and I will ask forgiveness for those of you who don't like my language or disagree but: WHAT THE HELL? Lordy, how did we get into this mess? And how long will it last? Hopefully not 4 entire years! Walls, travel bans, alternative facts, health care, Putin, pussies, women's rights, questionable appointees, racism, defunding of arts and worthy safety nets, environmental issues, fostering a complete distrust of the overall media, LGBTQ issues, alienation of allies along with a puffed up sense of self to demi-god status. He can't even get along with his own party. I know he is not evil, I know that he has the...