Saturday, May 6, 2017

Looking For My Summer

Detachment

Do people actually do this?  Do you?

I'm not there yet, at least not to this extent. I guess I don't trust myself enough. YES, that must be it!!! I must not trust in myself enough to know that I will be OK no matter what. Logically I know that the worrying and the talking I do in order to make myself feel ok is just wasted energy but emotionally I fret and finagle, I appeal and entreat.

I have no idea what normal is. When a behavior causes mistrust inside of me I cannot even trust that I should or should not be feeling the apprehension.  Everything I read tells me that children of alcoholics recreate their chaos. Perhaps that is what I am doing...recreating living in fucking craziness. WHAT IS NORMAL? Is a beer a night normal, whiskey once a week, going to a bar without your partner, is getting stoned normal, what about lying? WHAT THE HELL IS NORMAL???

There are times, more and more often, that I think, "Hey girl, perhaps you are just suppose to be alone...to do this thing called life without a partner. So often you are not doing a great job of this." But then I think BULLSHIT, men have done enough damage to my psyche....why should I imprison myself to aloneness because of what two or three or five men have done in the past. I don't hate men, they just scare me.

And so I rant.....

But I trust in my Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon programs. I trust that many others have found a new way to live without the chaos and anxiety. I also trust that this is an up and down journey. Two steps forward and one step back. One of these days, and I hope it is soon, I can let all this shit go and just BREATHE.

5 comments:

  1. There is no normal. There really isn't. We are all damaged. I think adult children of alcoholics are more damaged. And within that scope, I am more damaged than most. Or so it seems. I don't try to figure out what is normal. I try to figure out what is healthy. Because I find chaos so easily I mostly isolate now. It's not healthy but at least I am away from the drama. I am starting to very, very slowly integrate into a kind and supportive society of friends. It's so hard because fear drives me.

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    1. No normal but healthy makes sense. I think I can do that.

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  2. There is a fine line between forcing a solution and working towards a solution. I guess I'm not a fan, not any good at kicking back and waiting for a spontaneous solutions!

    Might have something to do with my PTSD or just might be my nature!

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  3. I must agree with Birdie, there is no normal. But especially not when you are the adult child of an alcoholic. Or perhaps normal is me when I am feeling happy.

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    1. I like that thought. Feeling content means normal for me.

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