Friday, May 5, 2017

Courage Is Not The Absence of Fear

I've set new boundary. 

I feel nervous but solid. I think it is the right thing to do. I feel I have been patient enough.

I don't often write about stuff quite this personal because the Boy Scout reads this blog, but it is my blog and it is with a sense of relief that I will share.

There are ways that this man is perfect. He is a positive person, loves my kids, attempts to pay attention to my needs, helps when asked, is outgoing and very social, is a willing and amazing cook, we share a similar faith and he is kind to me. He is also a dreamer. 

The problem is that he has not been employed since I met him. Immediately after our second date he had a knee replacement. Six months after that, he had the other knee done. A few months after the second knee was the rotator cuff which. honestly, seemed to take longer to recoup than the others. There was disability, then unemployment, miscellaneous income and then mostly just me. 

It has been a long journey. I believe that if things remain the same my love for him will be drowned out by resentment. I lived a crazy, chaotic life with my ex that made our world insular. I want to do many things; dance. travel, kayak, socialize, theater, bike, golf....basically enjoy the life that I had hoped for but had remained elusive. I still have a ton of energy and am ready to get moving.

June 1st is the deadline I have set. It is hard. My desire is to care for him but that is not a healthy desire....not for me...and certainly not for him. I worry that I he will feel hurt or betrayed, "thrown away", but that is not what I am doing. I want him in my life, I love and adore him, but I want a partner who is employed in some capacity and I have decided that it is a boundary...a line I no longer want to cross. 

Honestly, I would love to hear your thoughts.


  1. I've learned from my own past relationships that it's not a sign of love to be the sole (long-term) financial support of a partner, it's a sign of being codependent and being played for a sucker. At least it was in my case. A relationship cannot be truly equal unless both partners are financially self-supporting. It's just so much better all the way around.

    1. Much appreciate your comment Debra. Thank you.

  2. Is he actively seeking work? The only thing I can do is relay an example. A couple that I know had an experience where he had to leave his job. It was not a happy experience and it took some time to "recover" from it. But as time went on there were excuses as to why he did not look for another job (stayed at home to care for their son, had to be available to take son to school and pick him up even though he could have taken a bus like other kids, needed to stay home to renovate the house they were living in, had carpal tunnel issues, and on it went. He has never had a job since. It's been about 8 years. She is the only money earner. I have zero respect for him and we no longer see this couple. Don't know if that helps. -Jenn

  3. Good for you. Who was it that said we teach people how to treat us. You are teaching him what your expectations are. I totally respect and give you kudos for setting the boundary.


What do you have to say about that?